The Blandness of Being.

I'm in pain.  A lot of pain.  Trying to think and write here is often too difficult, so... I choose to avoid nonsensical blathering when I can.  But then, I get a few emails or messages on FB asking if I'm okay, why am I not posting, etc.  When this happens I make sure to come here and at least put in an appearance.  As for catching up, well, not sure there's much to catch up on.  But I'll try.

I'm still waiting on lab results regarding my adrenals and blood sugar.  My BP goes very high, then... very low.  No way to treat that, and until we know if my adrenals are struggling we may not know what causes the crazy swings in BP.  It's said that those swings are more dangerous than constantly high BP.  Well, so what?  If you can't do anything about it then why bother worrying?

All there is right now is day by day assessment and trying not to plan anything in advance.  Do you hear the blandness?  I feel it.  I see it.  I live it.

What do I do all day then?  Well, I'm learning Spanish so work on that when I can.  I listen to music, watch Trump rallies, etc. on RSBN.  Well, I use the link from RSBN's web site to the youtube version so I can chat with some friends there and participate.  Not the most glamorous of lives, right?  It's okay... I'm still breathing, so there's that.

Then there's the insomnia.  I believe a lot of the blandness of being right now stems from not being able to sleep well at all.  I desperately need to get the surgery on my shoulder as it hurts badly all night long.  But I have to wait for the results on my adrenals and find out what needs to be done, if any, prior to and during surgery in order to avoid a dangerous adrenal crash while undergoing surgery.  Adrenal Crisis is life-threatening, so the surgeon isn't willing to do the surgery until I get clearance to get it, etc.  Fatigue will absolutely flatten a person out, especially when it's chronic... and... it drains the adrenals.

All in all, the stress has taken its toll.  It took its toll years ago when I was in a BADLY stressful relationship for 11 years.  The relationship was BADLY stressful---as much as the 11 yr one, only condensed into a shorter time frame.  And now it's very stressful but for very different reasons.  T at least is open-minded most of the time to what's needed to avoid the stressful situations.  However, he's not good at all with follow-through, and even in that there is stress.

I pray every day.  I ask God to just shorten this suffering--and yes, it is absolutely suffering.  Anyone who's had chronic pain knows what I'm talking about.  I try and go through my days as normally as I can, find stuff that makes me laugh, smile, or inspires hope.  Motivation is out of reach but at least I can see it in the distance.

For all practical purposes.... this is just life for me at the moment.  I will have a lot of catching up to do when I'm back to full-strength me.....