I have to admit I was to write this entry immediately following the last. However, I found myself getting rather caught up in Ian Somerhalder photos. lol Now, he 'presents' as the typical Alpha in that he's confident, successful, but also possesses a huge heart and an abundance of compassion. The Ian Somerhalder Foundation is all about.. animals. You'll find hundreds and hundreds of photos of him on the web posing with both domestic and wild animals. The fact that he's an animal lover is a huge clue to who he is as a man.
So is Ian an actual Alpha male? Well, I wouldn't personally know because I don't KNOW him. But usually what comes to mind, whether you're male or female, is an image that represents "Alpha." For some it may be the image of actors who played James Bond. For others, such as me, it can be someone else entirely. But when we look back at our history and interactions with various people it's pretty easy to see who's what.
It's not about a pretty fact, btw. In fact, many Alphas aren't classically good looking at all. We just find there's something about them....
You'll find opinions everywhere as to what an Alpha actually is. Some believe that Alpha women are the best because, like their male counterparts, they're successful, confident, etc. But this really, from a psychological standpoint, is a lot more complicated when it comes to females. Ever meet a 'Feminist'? Yeah. Need I say more? This isn't always the representation, but it often is. Not all confident Alpha women make 6 figures per year and own yachts. Many, if not most, are just ordinary people.
Life experiences affect who we are, which can make or break a woman down to her lowest common denominator. This, though, is entirely out of the spectrum we want to stay in here. So, we won't be addressing the minutia of the human psyche and its effects on us as individuals.
The Balance of Power And Sustainability in Relationships:
There's is where I'm going to keep it REALLY simple. 99% of successful relationships have both a male role and a female role---and an Alpha and Beta role. You have no idea how very important this is. So let's put it in perspective, in real life situations.
We've all seen enough movies to have seen this Alpha/Beta thing in action. Fiction does have its components based on actual reality--otherwise there wouldn't be anything to sustain our interest. If we can't connect in some human way with what we see and hear... we become bored. This isn't always something we're acutely aware of, btw.
Let's take things OUT of the movies and go straight to the core of the problem. In every relationship that works there's a male & female role in which Alpha & Beta personality traits are in play. Again, I'm focusing mostly on the guy's role here for the sake of this discussion. However, let's also back it down, since we already know what an Alpha & Beta is, and keep it to 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits, because the latter is far easier to recognize.
Whether a heterosexual relationship or gay relationship--it's still the same. Every relationship has both a male and female component. We're strictly speaking of straight couples here in this discussion, btw.
Female or Feminine TRAIT situations:
Honestly, this is the worst situation of all, because there is this lack of initiative on the guy's part. Most women, of course, have feminine traits. This is problematic because they're both in the mode of waiting for the Alpha to step up, step in, and take charge. In these situations... it just never happens and ultimately ends up in complete failure. Both parties are waiting for the other to literally take charge of the situation, whatever that situation is. If the situation is sex--there's usually BIG trouble.
Beta males, as opposed to Alpha males, tend to sit back and wait for the woman to orchestrate life and, oddly, he ends up resenting her for it later. When this happens it makes the relationship and everything in it, including sex, extremely awkward. To say the least.
Most times the tell-tell signs are there, but they're not actually recognized for what they are until it's too late.
Beta males will:
Expect you to initiate sex 99% of the time, and expect more 'receiving' than giving. More times than not there is they have this sense of entitlement where you're concerned, as well as a sense of expectation without provocation. In other words, a Beta male is inherently going to expect you to initiate sex, jump through hoops to please him right off the bat, right from the start, and pretty much 99% of the time. Over time his female counterpart will lose interest in sex with him and begin to pull away.
Eventually, that woman he's with will begin noticing other men, Alpha men. Again, this is just nature and a fact of life.
This also holds true with the other scenario, that in which both have 'male' or 'dominance' traits. This is also a disaster because both sides are always vying for power and control. This second situation I won't go into much because it's outside the scope of this conversation.
When the balance of power is in its rightful place things tend to go smoothly between two people. If the man is dominant/Alpha he compliments the female role of his partner. If the woman is the Alpha or 'dominant' role and she's with a guy who just so happens to be a Beta... it just may work out because he wants someone to take care of his needs and, well, isn't willing to initiate himself into any given role or circumstance.
Girly Girls Love Manly Men:
It's kind of how the human race survived. I don't think I need to go into all of that, because I think you get the picture.The bottom line is that it's very difficult to be in a relationship with Beta males. I'm girly to the core and find situations where I'm expected to assume the masculine role EXTREMELY awkward and uncomfortable. And when it comes to sex in such a situation--it's a major turn-off for me. Been there, done that. Ugh. And, I'm rather in that situation now. But for the possibility that reason can lead to understanding on his part, meaning.... he really has to come to terms with a LOT and find ways past or around those things. Otherwise, this situation is doomed.
It takes a mountain of humor to see myself through this, I have to say. I'm not completely confident that it will be resolved, and I'm not exactly sure right now how to manage remaining in this relationship given the outright upset in the balance of power. And THIS, my friends, is where The Fourth Child comes in.
We've come full circle back to me and my situation. Even though they did eventually end, the most enjoyable, exciting, and FUN relationships I've had in my life were the ones where I was with the ultimate Alpha male. The best lasted 11 years until he went full-blown mid-life-crisis mode. There just isn't any way to save someone from themselves when they head willingly down that path. He passed away about a year after we broke up, but he was in full MLC swing from what I heard. But for the better part of 11 years, until his MLC became a relationship wrecking ball, it was pretty awesome.
I've been in relationships with 3 Betas in my life, and not one of those was anything to brag about. True to my nature I hoped it was a simple matter of respect, or lack thereof. But as it turned out it was far more than that and something that couldn't be fixed in the short term. Not my job to 'fix' anyone and I won't waste the energy trying to.
I'm not a psychologist or expert on anything. My take on all of this is from YEARS of reading books and gathering information from psychology journals and research papers online, and a little of what I obtained in my psych classes in college. My experiences fall in line with what I've read.
As my life is now I feel as if I'm living with someone who's very much like a child. He's not a child in his work, because he's very successful. But when it comes to everyday life it's another matter, and at this point it's risky for me due to my health and physical limitations. I feel vulnerable and am having a nearly impossible time trying to feel any confidence in this. The vulnerability stems from my failing health, for the most part. It's scary knowing that you have to depend so much and count on someone who is NOT the type of person to care this way for another. Very, very scary. I've been in a similar circumstance and felt the same vulnerability, the same anxiety, the same exact lack of confidence in both the situation and the person.
Every day that I wake into this life I'm met with yet more reminders of how blatantly awkward and exhausting this whole thing is. Does he know how I feel? He absolutely does. Has it helped? Not in the least. The more this fails the scarier for me it becomes, which makes getting my health back absolutely necessary, vital, critical...
The first time I learned about the whole 'Beta male' thing was when I lived in Colorado, some 20+ years ago. I found it curious and interesting and thought such information would serve me over time. I didn't count on my own lack of ability to immediately identify such traits, or perhaps.. my inability to recognize I may have been overlooking them on purpose. But I chose to read a lot of books over the years, off and on, and often by chance, and yet to this day I still don't SEE the writing on the wall until after it's too late. Not my life's finest accomplishments, I have to admit.
While I mostly write to get things off my chest, out of my system, I also write in hopes of helping others. Maybe I'll spare someone the hassle of a relationship where there's just a coupling of opposing forces.
In retrospect I see evidence that I didn't recognize at the time.... one in particular...
As I lay next to him, exhausted, and not in a good way I thought to myself... "We can't both be the girl in this relationship."
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