Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me. Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens. Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of. It really is that rare.
In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me. Okay, I can certainly deal with that. Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.
The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source. Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy. Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order. I found the results of that rather.. lacking.
All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all. Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating. But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience. Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from. G knows. She gets it. And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been. Eh. I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff. I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.
NOTE: Actual talking will commence post-whining. *snort*
Begin Whining: Waiting. The Watchman Device isn't, at least in AL, approved by BC/BC insurance. This means my cardiologist and electrophysiologist have to start the appeal process to get it approved for me. So the waiting game sits in and I'm stuck on a blood thinner I believe is ruining my health. So there's that. I also found out I may have a torn rotator cuff and may need surgery. Well alrighty then. But hey, if that's what it is an I have to go through Sx and have my arm in a sling for a month... I can live with that. The pain.. not so much. Since when did I become such a wuss?
I've always had a high pain tolerance, but I've never had chronic pain like this either. Guess I'll give myself a pass this time.
Somehow the idea of just living a normal life has receded into the background of dull static making it hard to hear myself think. Everyone goes through a little something every now and then, and sometimes it's a big something. It resolves, and people move on. This has been a very long haul so far, but I'll do the same once I get past whatever the hell this is. End whining:
Re-discovering 'me' again. Sounds so damn egocentric, doesn't it? Especially when you say it out loud. But hey, it's not like anyone else can do that for me, right? Getting through the steps of the day sometimes interferes with the process, trying hard to remember who I am and all that entails. In my situation, since it's not somewhere I've been my entire life, it's a bit more difficult given this is an abrupt situation, rather than a chronic one. It's a bit like a tidal wave of change that pummeled and stripped everything I knew about me and my life... completely away, removing almost all recognizable things and swept them out to sea. Well, on one had that really sucks. But, on the other hand it just means a clean slate. Right?
Then there's the debris, having to clear that away. Beginning to re-think and rebuild what was once 'me' is probably one of the strangest and toughest things I've ever face with regards to my own personal experiences here on planet earth. Not to say it's completely bad, mind you, but it is a little unsettling to have to repair damage that was done that was beyond my control. Medication and illness has a way of doing that sometimes. So be it.
(Have I mentioned I absolutely love coffee?)
Anyway, there are choices I have to make. Sounds reasonable, right? The trick is having the strength and energy to see those choices through. Like my choice, be it a small one, to visit ALL of my blogs today and catch up on things a bit. Sounds easy as hell, yet even now my arms are so weak and achy that I still have to rest them on the laptop as I type. So there's that.
What does all of this even mean? I'm still fighting. That's what it means. I've walked right to the edge of just giving up but have managed to not step off into oblivion. Isn't that how we all get through the hard times?.. not by saying there aren't difficulties but by saying there are and fighting being overtaken by them. Well.. that's me anyway.
I'm still reaching for a better life, and that counts for something. I guess.
Two doctors appointments today, woken at 5am for no reason, sleep at the top of my priority list, yet sleep is out of reach for today. When the night comes, it's my respite in time, though not in sleeping or dreaming.
Belonging to myself is the best thing I can do for myself. I'm focusing on what I must in order to heal and survive amid the grasp of this ill-timed machine some call life. God, but I am as tired as it gets today.
If only I couldn't gotten just a little more sleep this morning. I'm tired of that phrase rolling about my head on far too many days. I'm not even going to go into the plethora of ways T has found to make sure I wake, and wake, and wake beginning in the wee hours of every morning. Why? I've no answer to that, but I have spoken to him at great length about suggestions so I'm not repeatedly awakened by those things that really don't have to be as noisy as he makes them.
OMG, but I seriously need a good night's sleep. On occasion I'm blessed with blessed, beautiful, and much-needed sleep. But most of the time there simply isn't enough quiet and still to last throughout the night for me to get adequate rest.
I long for languid days, just a few of them. If I can have days that promote stillness, peace, inner-sanctum, then I will rest easy on those nights. It's not a difficult concept. Is it? I mean, is that really so lost on people that no one gets that when they disturb someone's sleep repeatedly it WILL take a tremendous toll on them eventually, that it's a matter of IF and not WHEN? Really?
I will feel better when I'm finally able to lay my head down and feel the peace wash over me...
How tempting a vacation is from my life; how necessary; how perfect; how utterly insane it is NOT to pay attention to that one important and vital necessity to survival.
I'm running out of steam even as I write this. And today is not the day to run out of steam. Today I have to search and research and compare high-end exercise bikes for the home. It's that time. And dammit, how am I to exercise when I can't even sleep????
Shhhhh...
That inner voice needs to shut the hell up and think peaceful thoughts.
For anyone curious, I'm back to mostly splitting my posts between the blogs, sorted by relevance. I like being able to look back and remember where I was in what capacity, without looking through an endless potpourri of thoughts and events.
I've spent the morning drinking coffee and spilling my guts upon these 'pages,' wondering why the hell this medication (prednisone) MUST make me feel so damn off, a little depressed, swinging from motivated to just too damn painful to walk. Hell, I don't have any answers, so I just let my feelings crash upon the pages until I can at least figure out what the hell to do.
The house is quiet. My choice. Just quiet today. No music pouring from the Bose... just the sound of a small, ticking clock nearby... and typing. Coffee as fuel, and the inner turmoil of prednisone hell. Yeah, yeah.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it really is rather overwhelming at this time, especially since I've dropped down another 5mg. What will the effects be this time, I wonder?
Next week I see the pulmonologist. Last appointment I had revealed mild COPD and many lung changes since the first CT. In 3 months time things got a bit worse for my lungs, but that was BEFORE the prednisone! I wonder at this time if the prednisone will actually help my lungs and keep the nodules and focal thickening from becoming worse? Seems my breathing is better, and with less wheezing than before. Could be, could very well be the anti-inflammatory effects of this very powerful corticosteroid. We will see. Not sure if the Dr. will order another CT to check things. But we will see.
I see the hepatologist again on the 25th. He may order labs to check my liver enzymes, etc. I'm not sure what will happen medication-wise. I hate the prednisone side effects, but I hate the idea of a flare-up even worse. Ugh. We'll see what he decides.
Dammit. I feel like I'm in limbo. Could very well be that my cortisol levels are low and making me feel low as well.
*sigh*
I have so much to say, really.... and I'm just not saying it. Maybe a bit later when I can realistically deal with what I'm feeling. Maybe after I get a few things done around the house... Need to make the main office room ready for an exercise bike---a huge expense, but a necessary expense IMHO. There's already a new tv and blu-ray player for the room, and now all that needs done is to shuffle things about to make a space for something that's going to help me immensely.
First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!!! No matter what's going on in our lives and the world we still can find much to be thankful for. :)
Okay, so the CT w/contrast results came back and, well, it shows a few unsettling details. Not entirely frightening or anything, but a little unexpected and confusing. Naturally, I have to wait for my follow-up in January to get answers regarding the findings on the pulmonary function test, and as well as the new CT findings...
So, I get my copy of the CT w/contrast results and am encouraged at first by the word "stable" with regards to an enlarged lymph node... 1.7cm x 1.1cm at this time... but then I realized that the word you really WANT to see in lymph node findings is "reactive." Basically reactive means due to an inflammatory or infection situation. Ok. The radiologist's report said to watch and follow up with other investigations. I'm honestly, to tell you the truth, not all that concerned with this particular finding.
Still showing mild, scattered scarring, but below are a few new findings...
"There is a small amount of new and some slightly larger left pleural nodularity at the same level posteriorly and medially and also anteriorly..." Will say more about this in a moment...
"There are a few areas of left pleural focal thickening that are new in areas and slightly larger in other areas, including at the level of the above-mentioned LLL nodule. These can be reassessed on a short-term follow-up CT to see if they persist."
Mostly I'm not happy about the pleural nodules, nor about the pleural thickening. So, I guess the saga continues as to what is what and what is to be done, if anything.
Results... but no answers. *shrugs* I'm not going to focus on this. Being aware is the most important thing.
Guess that's all I have to say at the moment---packing and moving things to the new house.
