Dealing with it Vs Fixing the issue

The line blurs so completely between the two at times... maybe that means... both?  So what is it I'm saying here, exactly?... Communication.  Respect.  Kindness.  Manners.  I mean, didn't most of us grow up learning about this stuff to some degree?  Or, at the very least, when we become adults we should know better, even so.  Whatever.  After a while my tolerance slips below a VERY well-defined line, and its effects are immediately felt, and totally unwanted.

Listening.  Being attentive.  It's not always easy, because these days everyone's mind is on 'something.'  But we have to choose to listen, pay attention.  I make allowances for people who are easily distracted, because not everyone is a master of focus. I'm certainly not.  ADD is just something I deal with and have to consciously work with.  So, I absolutely do give some leeway when it comes to some situations.  But when a person ACTIVELY tunes you out to the point where you're talking to yourself most of the time---screw that.  And it goes much deeper than just not listening.  It's also a deadpan, utter indifference to what's going on with my health and how it affects me.  The one person I have close-by to talk to... is completely deadpan about it.

No use wasting my time and energy trying to open up and talk to someone who doesn't give a crap.  Yeah.  I'm a little ticked at the moment.  I've come a long way over the past 3 to 3 1/2 years learning to actually ALLOW myself to feel angry about things, to express it.  Holding it in, I found, is damaging.  I'm calm, but I'm also ticked.

There's nothing okay about ignoring someone who's talking to you.  If you're not interested in what that person is saying---say so!  Don't be one of those people who fake their way through a conversation.  Politeness, being what it is, warrants our behaving kindly when someone is talking, even if we don't find the subject all that interesting.  But when it comes to the important stuff and the important people---pay freaking attention!!!!  Or not.  Just know the latter comes with consequences.

It becomes habit, tuning someone out.  With enough 'allowed practice' one can become QUITE adept at it.  It's not a virtue.  So I don't understand why anyone would want this to become a part of who they are and what they're known for.  I don't understand why anyone would allow and nurture, even by default, such undesirable a quality.  Especially when it hurts people.

My tolerance has been waning for this type of treatment for about 3 or so years now, and I believe I've reached the point---FINALLY---of intolerance.  That's not a bad thing.  What's bad, even unhealthy, is to live in the context of someone else's indifference.

I'm already disconnecting with this person, emotionally.  I have to.  I can't allow this treatment to affect my health, my happiness, my joy.  I won't allow it.

So what do I do now?  Focus on me!  It's time.  It's overdue.  A lot of damage has already been done, and now I'm in 'damage control' mode.  And I have a lot of healing and work ahead of me.

In the meantime I am going to make sure that any of the bad feelings I have are vented.  Yeah, that will most likely happen here.  But purging that stuff is critical, because holding it inside, or doing something to cover it up, forget about it, etc... is damaging.  You can sugar-coat crap, but it's still crap.  Get RID of the crap!

Onward...

Damn these dreams...

It seems to just be a constant nightly thing now.  Dreams come, unbidden, that point out how much my life isn't actually my life, and it does this in a very poignant and, in some respects, ruthless ways.  Do I question this?  Of course!  Everyone knows, or should know, that dreams are your subconscious trying to work issues out that the conscious doesn't want to deal with.  Having said that, it's gotten to the point where my dreams leave no room for interpretation.  In fact, they're as blunt and outspoken as an unpaid whore.

Seriously.

Last night/this morning, dreams that leave me haunted and anxious after waking.  Places I want to go and can't (right now).  People I don't even know...who I miss, somehow.  Unnatural forces in times or places with unfamiliar faces.  They're all friends it seems, from a life I don't recognize myself in.  Damn this night.  Just fucking wake me up already.  Right?

Those faces, those people.  Dreaming about people you've never met isn't exactly unique.  And my dreams have included people I DO know and don't have contact with any longer.  It's all just a messed up, complicated message that I don't have the capacity to interpret right now.

...All I have to go on is how it leaves me feeling when I wake.  A bit confused and bewildered...and feeling as if I'd missed the only train capable of taking me where I need to go.

I'm sure it's meant to be motivating.  But motivating me to do what is the million dollar question.

Damn these dreams.  I guess I just need to work on getting my subconscious to reveal what it's REALLY trying to tell me.  Enough of the guesswork already.  M'kay?

So...it's going to be later today (I hope) when I get to the entries for the Alter Ego blogs... links are in the section to the right.  For now, I'm saying adios.  Time to login to life for a few....

Dreams--OMG, just stop it!

Insomnia isn't one of the highlights of anyone's day/night, but it is my reality for now.  I won't go into all the factors involved, but handling the liver issue and finally getting the new mattress delivered will be a great start to things.  In the meantime, I deal as best I can.  And what this means is laying in bed, awake, until anywhere between 2am and 5am.  I never know how the fabric of my night will feel until I'm actually there---wool or velvet, clouds or chainmail.  Either way, sleep eventually comes, and with it... the dreams.

Recurring dreams are also a part of my reality--and it's been this way since childhood.  Similar themes, but rarely ever the exact same dream, all leaving me to wake up feeling positively haunted.  Not as in actual ghosts (that's another talk show), but ghosts of my past.  No, this isn't unique or unusual, because most of us, if not all of us, have dreams of this nature.  I'm definitely not saying mine or more or less extraordinary than anyone else, but they are extraordinary to me.

One person in particular ends up being the star of the show, and in a way that is truly unsettling, especially when I end up waking up bewildered, confused, and feeling... *sigh*.. never mind.  I won't dwell on something I cannot understand for the life of me.  Yeah.  So I tell myself.

The situations, the symmetry and context of these dreams are always curious in that they're not unhappy in the least.  Perhaps a little melancholy, but...still so incredibly intriguing.  Exciting places, beautiful houses, as was such in the most recent one (last night/this morning).  The part that sticks with me the most is sitting with this person on the porch of a white house... flowers in the tall bushes surrounding the area.. shade, soft breezes, a chair swing (also white)... having drinks outside while talking.  And the conversation eludes me, though I do recall it was extremely important.

Well, I'm sure my subconscious was paying attention...

So where does this leave me today?  Contemplating.  As usual.

Just...contemplating.

As 'enlightening' as these experiences FEEL like they are, it's too damn unsettling to do any real good, even IF I knew what the message is supposed to be.  So...dear, subconscious...if you're not going to allow me the opportunity to understand the message... dreams---OMG, just stop it already!

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." --"Dig" by Incubus

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person it makes me think about.   2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Incubus - Dig

Enough with the platitudes already...

Tanking up on coffee today.  I slept out of exhaustion, finally, and I feel a bit better than usual.   But I still need that boost of caffein, even so.  Not exactly sure how this whole thing works, trying to find answers on my own to ALL of my questions, and consulting Google isn't providing me with anything I can work with.  In fact, Google actually ends up proving more questions, and very few answers.

To what?...

To everything.  Don't you hate it when I don't get to the point?  Yeah.  Me too.

I don't even know where to begin with what I need to say today.  My thoughts are all over the place, which is pretty common these days.  I don't understand what's happening to my body with all the significantly elevated liver enzymes, and I don't understand at all if that is causing this RIDICULOUS and totally UNWANTED fatigue, aches, pain, and soooooo much more.  And it seems that no one can help me understand it, either.

I long to feel like myself again.  And if I were to be completely honest here I would have to say that, on the really bad days, it feels as if I won't every feel like me again.  It's the kind of truly debilitating stuff that tries like hell to wreck hope.  Screw that!  I'm not having any of it and will fight that to the end.  Oooh, but I can hear the wheels spinning in at least 2 of you who are bothering to read this.  Yeah, and those wheels produce a lot of insight, I know....

...'Don't be so negative!'

...'You're attracting that crap!'

...'You're focusing on the wrong things!'

...'Think positive and things will improve!'

I can hear your voices. lol  And I'm not disagreeing!  But anyone who has dealt with chronic pain and fatigue knows all too well how you can get completely worn down after it goes on for so long.  It can break you if you're not careful, and if you don't have a good, solid support network.  Which I don't.

Yes, I know..I know.  A person only needs themselves to right things.  I get it.  I do.  But again, even strong people need other people sometimes.  Even strong, determined people need encouragement from others.  It's human nature.  That's where I am right now--I need someone to talk to.  But who?  Which brings me to the other end of this situation...

People, please....

"Well meaning/good intentions" don't cut it.

"Weak platitudes" don't cut it.

"Disingenuous remarks" don't cut it.

"Cookie-cutter advice" certainly doesn't cut it.

"Bullying or controlling behavior" definitely doesn't cut it and hurts.

"Indifference" not only doesn't cut it, but it's harmful and hurtful.

There comes a time when people need to assess whether or not their intentions are to help someone, or if they simply want to feel important, like a hero, or just want to snuggle up to their ego.  There comes a time when you just need to shut up if you're not actually speaking from the heart to someone who needs support, friendship, etc.

Agree?

Get real.  Self-assess.  Ask yourself the right questions before you speak.  Because playacting at giving a shit isn't the same thing as actually giving a shit.  If you're rusty, well just pick something to give a shit about and PRACTICE.

I can get indifference from anyone.  My dog has more warmth than some of the people in my life, which is why this struggle has become... a struggle.  I can't thrive in an environment of careless indifference,  you know.. the kind where someone isn't exactly doing it on purpose.  Careless indifference, to me, is worse than stark indifference.  At least with the latter the person is aware of it, acknowledges it, and takes responsibility for it.

Now I'm just ranting.  But... if not here, where?  Right?

No idea how to resolve this.  So far it's me, myself and I, and that's not cutting it either. lol

Damn.

The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.

Emotional Detox (can you handle it?)

Warning!  This is an emotional detox, and I'm not going to apologize for what falls onto the 'page' here.  As with any detox, this is purging the poison, a self-cleansing if you will.  If you can't handle the non-fluffy-bunny rant here, then this is your queue to exit, stage left, while you still have the chance.

Thoughts are rather disorganized at the moment with so much converging at once.  I can't really sort things out where they make sense--just too f*cking much going on.  And yet I will try, as maybe rambling will at least get it all out of my system.

I won't promise my language will be clean.  Again, this is an emotional purging of sorts.  Of sorts.  That's the key, isn' it?  Because I'm not convinced I can completely open up here..even after all this time, after all the very close calls I've had regarding just spilling my guts for the whole world to see.

Whatever.

Waiting on doctor appointments, face to face with people who say they are specialists.  Will any of them listen, or attempt to get down to what's causing all of this?  Maybe.  I wouldn't know.  The waiting game sucks in a huge way--THAT I do know.  I also know how utterly tired I am of dealing with the physical crap going on with me, not knowing how to fix it myself, what to do/not do, or even how to DEAL with it.  Yes, I took care of the majority of the stomach pain with getting BACK on a PPI (Proton Pump Inhibitor), and DAMN was I not happy about that.  I just took myself OFF of one, convinced that it had to be causing most of the problems, if not all.  Then had to go to yet another type of drug that is NOT a PPI... only to find out that it worked for about a week, then.. didn't work at all.  Seriously? *sigh*

But there is still abdominal pain, severe muscle weakness, and I can't get enough sleep!  Really?  I mean.. really?

Then there was weaning myself off the Topamax.  Off of that... and still feeling like crap.  BUT.. it's still good to be on as little Rx's as possible.  But coming OFF those prescriptions has yet to reveal any benefit other than just being off of them.

W.  T.  F.??!!

So I'm sitting here fighting off the urge to make one more cup of coffee.  Caffein--really, the least of my problems.  And I only drink two cups/day now anyway.  Still, I'm fighting the urge.  Maybe it's my body trying to self-medicate?  IDK...

And this damn depression is irritating the crap out of me.  Though I do know that it's not your run-of-the-mill depression.  I'm told it's related to the other health issues and that when they're resolved... the depression will resolve itself.  Either way, I'm not taking any poison for that!  No way, jose!  Even so, I couldn't because of the blood thinner.  It's the feeling of being powerless against this..whateveritis.. that is taking my life away from me piece by piece, day by day.  But I'm still pursuing all avenues to help it on my own until the 'specialists' can offer up something.  Still, what can they possibly offer that will resolve THIS?

Inflammation.  I'm convinced that's what needs addressing.  It's origin means little to me at the moment, as I believe systemic inflammation IS the origin of health problems.

Damn I'm tired.  My thinking isn't quite 'there' today... just... too... tired.

Skipping Stones....

Blast from the past--feeling nostalgic for the old days...

Holding onto just being me...

...with no excuses.

I've come to a crossroads where my f'd up health and maintaining balance in my life intersect in such a way that I'm left with making a choice between hanging on fiercely to who I am in the midst of life-changing circumstances.  Sounds like an easy choice, doesn't it?

After posting in Where Fireflies Dream I feel like the remnants of what is left to purge are like shards of broken glass.  In some ways I have to be very careful exposing all of my feelings, thoughts, and so forth.  And I don't believe for a minute that I have to explain why this is.  So I won't.  What I will say is that talking about problems, rather than burying them, is far more healthy.  So if anyone isn't in the mood to listen--now is your chance to skedaddle! ;)

I've discovered that the Montgomery, AL area.. and surrounding areas, is NOT the best place to be when you need great medical care.  But I was blessed in finding a fabulous Dr... a D.O., which was confirmed by complete strangers this past Friday... who happened to overhear a conversation between Tom and I.  These two people were pharmaceutical reps who were very familiar with local doctors.  In fact, both of them use my Dr., so.. that was a definite great thing to hear.   They also offered a lot of advice with where to go to get help with this ridiculous situation regarding my health.

Nothing is ever chance.

I also discovered that the guy I'm with, while a total sweetheart, is not really in the now or connected with what's going on with me.  This causes huge problems because I'm forced to hold back a lot of information from him, and to even keep a distance between him and what's going on with me.  I withhold information, which he knows I do and why, because trying to talk to him about this..my health..seems to just fall on deaf ears.  So be it.  I reach out to one or two people when I need to--at their offer and, often, their insistence.  But this has done great damage to my relationship.  And I know all to well where this eventually leads---my complete and total disconnection from that person. And yes, I've talked with him at great length about this.  He gets upset and does a lot of promising about things, but... nothing follows those promises.  So I've told him to not make promises anymore.  Don't say "I'm sorry" anymore.  He says he understands why.  And still... nothing changes.

So here I am holding onto being me...with everything I have.  I can't waste anymore precious energy on those things that continue to wreak havoc with my health and my life.  Tom understands, he says, and he is steadfast and not uncertain about what he wants.  But he doesn't do anything to keep me wanting this.  And it is VERY hard to keep wanting this by just telling myself that I do.  Make sense? I have to agree that on many levels it makes no sense whatsoever.  But it is what it is, right?

Step one: Heal.  Step two: Continue to heal.  Step three: Allow healing while maintaining my spirit, joy, happiness, and every aspect of who I am.  Period.  Step four: Keeping doing the first three steps until I'm well.

While a larger part of me has once again retreated into isolation, that small yet significant other part of me is a wide open door.  I suppose in some ways it's a lot like a lock and key...

For now I'll focus on a couple of important things like making decisions regarding the rest of the house renovations, which has turned into something major. lol  That's okay.  The house's resell value down the road, should we need it, is going to be awesome.  Location and view... and all these updates.. oh yeah, it's resell value is really going to improve significantly.

The other focus is my health--finding out why my liver values are significantly out of whack, what all the other abnormal ranges mean, and finding a doctor willing to put it all together.  A GP can only do so much, and mine has done a lot and is working with me to get to the bottom of things.  His focus at the moment is the liver issue(s)... serious enough to get everyone's attention and eclipsing anything else that's going on.

What I will do...

Listen to music because it lifts me.
Read books or articles that lift, lighten and inspire me.
Find things that make me laugh.
Keep looking ahead in short distances.
Learn to relax, REALLY relax.
Enjoy what I like, what brings me joy.
Avoid sharing my feelings and thoughts, wishes and desires with anyone who makes me feel bad.

....and much more.

I will do what I can do and keep doing it.  It's my life, so I have to do what I must to protect my health, my spirit, my joy, my happiness... and who I am.