Just a brief update

Because.....

Part II: Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking...

Part I: Generally speaking...

Well... this.... again.

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Time Precious Time.

As my shoulder heals it becomes easier (and faster) to type these entries, rather than do audio entries, copy them to youtube, etc.  It really is very time-consuming.  While time IS precious to ALL of us, I did promise a couple of people that I would continue with some audio entries.  "Some." ;)  I have two parts of an entry to upload, and also one short entry.  Not 100% that there will be time today/tonight to upload them, but I will try tomorrow if it doesn't make it today.  On one hand I feel as if time flies by in a blur of nothingness, and yet.... I feel that all I have is time ticking away second by second, minute by minute, tiny slices of life that honestly provides so little of what I need to call my life... a life.  Even so, I'm trying.

All in all, what else is there to really say other than I'm wishing my life to be very different than it is? I can't for the life of me think I've been less than clear on that issue, so it amazes me a little that I've not bored you all to tears by this point.  Well... thank you for being here just the same.  I appreciate it.

Goals, being what they are at the moment, are distant, disconnected, and the lines having blurred so many years ago that I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking at anymore.  I know what I want--sort of.  I know where I've been---for sure.  But dammit it's just a pain in the ass trying to figure out where the hell this is all going, meaning my life as a whole.  How does anyone find their way through he muck and mire of all the hidden possibilities when all there 'seems' to be are hidden possibilities.

I can't say I'm at all liking the idea of asking myself the same question for the rest of my life---"What now?"  That's not a question I like, nor is it a question I can answer at this time.  I 'feel' strongly that an epiphany is coming, that it will reveal itself before long.  Just something I feel in my bones, and that's good enough for me.  In the meantime I'll just keep my eyes open.

Waiting.  I've spent my life either waiting for life to happen or walking the wrong path to make it happen.  IS that life?  Nah.  I don't think so at all.  Maybe this is a preservation, conservation or recovery time that's being forced.  Hell if I know.

.... I wish I could be THIS open in my audio blogs.  Guess that's something I'll have to work on.

Well, me and my confused self are going to move on to the next blog and see if I can get something done with my thoughts.

Until next time.....

Social Media.

These days I find Facebook and Twitter more than a little cringeworthy.  Not to say I don't still partake in posting/tweeting, but I really don't find my heart's in it anymore.  Have I lost all interest, or is this just another manifestation of situational depression?  How the hell should I know?

I've tried to pour myself into ANYTHING that will eat up my time, including social media.  Somehow the idea of just blasting information/thoughts into cyberspace like that seems, well, so freaking WEAK when it comes to life and living.  Social media isn't life, and it sure as hell isn't living.  So... what's next?

It's been my 'thing' to dump FB when life gets to be a bit more than I can handle.  Facebook is the first to go, which is why I have 3 different accounts, each having a place in my day or week, depending on what's going on.  So today I deactivated my newer account that I've used now for some 4 or 5 years, and took up residence once again in my first and original account, the one I dumped due to relationship drama a few years ago.  No one super close to me is on that account.  Well, maybe a couple of people who don't exactly live close BUT who do know me well.

Needing down time away from the mindless meme-posting isn't anything new for me, but the garbage with T that's getting on my nerves has prompted me to use the other account so I can have some peace, space, and room to breathe.  It's just another way I'm stretching my wings in order to find my own voice again, even if it means I'm not saying much.

The knowledge that I've lost interest in most things lately isn't lost on me, but in a way it's somewhat a welcoming side effect of situational depression.  Maybe it's just time to take a break from social media and do most of my thought-processing here in my blogs.  Honestly, I don't know for sure but am willing to go with this one.  Because it just feels right.

I will be posting in all of my blogs, different entries for each.  Most of you check/read them all, so you know what I mean by this.  Likely I'll become a bit more blunt as this next week progresses and edges closer to a very dark and gloomy Christmas.  You've been forewarned.....

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

....as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self explanatory, yes?

PART III: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

By request.... PART III.  And Julia, I will post the video to the song at the end of this...

PART II: Malignant Narcisists, Revisited.

By request.... PART II.  Part III is next.

THE TRAIN - Coldwater Canyon (on CD Baby)

This is by special request. ;)  As for me, yes.. I'm Deplorable and only watch Trump events at RSBN's live stream on YouTube (Wayne Dupree as well).  What can I say... I've been waiting for Trump to run for President since the late 80's when he was asked repeatedly about it.  :D

Revelations, Post-Consumption.

NOTE:  I apologize if the audio isn't quite up to par, and I'm looking into a decent mic to cut down on the static heard.

"Post-Consumption" and what I mean by that.  AFTER a malignant narcissist chews you up and spits you out (narcissistic supply).  Plainly, put.

Dealing. Just dealing.

I've dealt with enough crap this morning to last a lifetime.  Unearthed is the truth, something I'll have to deal with one day at a time, one decision at a time.  After posting in This Free Spirit I've little left to say, as I'm spent emotionally.  Overall, I'm glad to have the benefit of the truth, even if it's not pretty.  Not being one to like my head in the sand I will just face what actually IS, rather than pretend all is well in my world.  It's just the reality of life.

Dealing with health issues, the indifference and lack of compassion from T, seeing a glimmer of what 'could' be once I'm well again... is a lot to process every day.  Maybe not so much for someone healthier, but it certainly is for me.  I suppose I can just say it's keeping me on my toes.

For the most part today I feel betrayed and stuck in a life that I'm not at all fitting into.  I miss MY life but accept that sacrifices are made with a relationship, be it marriage or something else.  The betrayal I refer to is that, once again, I've a situation where I'm with someone who pretended one thing and is actually another.  I don't like that at all.  He's not evil or abusive, so don't get me wrong.  But what he hid and the lies he told DO have an impact on life, especially mine.

For heaven's sake, why can't people just be HONEST about who they are?!

My morning was riddled with anxiety and stress, so I'm paying the price for that today with fatigue, discomfort, elevated pain level.... and just a dull feeling of sadness that is going to take some work to overcome.  It's not depression really, but more like heavy disappointment laced with anger.

My view of life is somewhat distorted as I spend the majority of my time alone.  I'm once again disconnected from the greater part of living--meaning the outside world.  Too sick to get out of the house, and in a place I've not been in but for a short time means... I don't know anyone.  It's a familiar situation, I'm afraid, and it's not my choice but more my circumstances.  But this disconnection does hinder the healing process, which isn't going well at all but actually getting worse.

Another day of dealing with what I already deal with, and also new challenges.

Well... till tomorrow......

The Handshake.

A relationship is like a handshake.  One person extends their hand and the other extends theirs in acceptance.  This is the best case scenario, however, and relationships leave one person waving their hand in the air and feeling foolish.  At some point that dance just doesn't work anymore and we have to decide wether it's all worth it or not.  But how do we know WHEN it's time to place our hand back in our pocket and walk away?

There's no difference in friendships and we've all seen those fail miserably due to one-sided participation.  It's not usually an instant fail, btw, and we come to the conclusion to walk away after a lot of energy is spent trying to be the one acquiescing, initiating, or taking the blame for the short-comings within the relationship machine.

So if we know how it works in friendships, why do we take so damn long with romantic relationships?  I think part of it is that there's a much larger prize at stake when it comes to that kind of connection that leaves you ultimately vulnerable and exposed.  That other person, unlike a friend (usually) has seen you literally at your worst, your best, naked, knows most if not all of your secrets, and the love and affection that ties it all together is not that easy to break.  In most cases.  Either way, there's just a lot at stake when talking romantic relationships vs friendships.

Friendships do last longer.  And if you think about it, it's most likely because you're not living with that person or trying to divvy up responsibilities, not relying on that person when it comes to the hard times.  I mean, yes, there is some of that, but again.... you just can't compare the two.  There is an exception, however, to this rule, and that is that we actually can apply what we are willing to put up with when it comes to carrying the load of that relationship.

I don't care about the numbers, myself.  Wether you call it 50/50 or 100/100 it still requires both sides to assess what's what and decide a compromise when one side is no longer able to carry the larger portion of the load.

My point here is this: At some point we have to acknowledge when something is harming us, wether it's physical or emotional harm, be it stress or overt abuse, we absolutely HAVE to make a decision at some point while we still have enough of ourselves left, before any real long-term damage is done.

Every day I'm reminded of how much I have to carry, what I'm left to be responsible for, and just how little energy and strength I have to take that on.  Physically I grow weaker each day.  My specialist has upped the Azathioprine about as high as I can take it, and I'm waiting to see if/when this begins to pivot the illness and begin to heal what's wrong.  In the meantime I'm extremely weak, often sick (nausea, etc.), and I have to lay down in bed several times a day now.  This means little gets done because I'm not able to do it myself.  Simple things, really.  Chores that I could handle easily back when I was healthy, living alone and with many more time-consuming responsibilities.  The difference between he and I is that I did what needed to be done and was glad to do it.  I can't live in a dirty or nasty environment so fight my way through the day trying to do what little I can.

I'm so so so done with this.

And since the communication is one-sided (out of his laziness. No joke there.) I'm beyond exhausted. I'm back to my focus being on ONE thing and ONE thing only--getting well.  I will be well enough to take my life back when the time comes and he's going to find himself in the dust when it happens.  It's his own doing, and he's not going to be happy about it when it happens, I promise.  He's been warned of this, and he's coasting along like he can't see it happening already.  But it is, happening already....

The Truth.

The world has gone mad.  Or more specifically, America has gone mad.  In all my life I've never seen such division, such bitter hatred on the left, such utter madness.  And it is madness.  I don't watch the news anymore because it's simply the most depressing thing ever, honestly.  We all know the media lies, stretches truth, etc., but recently trusting anything put out by the media is just buying into fiction.  And to that I say--open a book and read, because there's more truth in a Stephen King novel than there is on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.  If you're going to waste time, might as well have fun, and there's nothing fun about what's going on in the media.  And worse, are those buying into the garbage.

Whatever happened to the truth?  What's happened to people that they're SO willing to except, embrace, and repeat lies that have been repeatedly debunked?  Rhetorical question, because we all know that people will ultimately believe what they want to believe and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.  Once sucked into the gaping black abyss of a lie--it takes a tremendous effort to find your way out.

As for me, I choose not to buy into the garbage.

But I'm sad to see how much hatred there is in our country, hatred born of the dirty side of government, of politics, and of greed.

I'm not sure at this point that any one thing or person or event could turn it around.  People are to blame for their own thoughts and actions.  They make the choices, and no one is twisting their arm.

It's just so tiresome.

We don't have to agree with one another to be civil.  We don't have to think alike or look alike to be civil.  We don't even have to like each other in order to respect one another.  All social graces, all levels or morality and decorum can be maintained under almost all circumstances if we make the choice to rise above it all and do the right thing.

I have no idea what the outcome of this election will be, nor do I even pretend to think that we're all going to end up changed by the end of it all.  We're already changed.  All we can do now is dig our heels in and hold our ground despite the odds.  I'm ready to do that, and I know a lot of others are as well.

We'll take things day by day like anyone else, but none of us are willing to be bullied by the 'powers that be' or radical domestic terrorist groups.

They can try like hell to stop us.  But here's the deal: We're not going anywhere.

Deal with it.

Seven Days.

It's an important number to me.  Every 7 days my dosage of prednisone decreases.  While I'm tapering from this extremely powerful drug I experience many unwanted side-effects, much of which I can't differentiate from AIH symptoms.  At 5mg/week my body became my worst enemy, leaving me unable to walk from the living room to the kitchen, making it difficult to walk the very short distance from the room I have to sleep in now to the nearby bathroom.  From unshakable episodes of freezing to feeling as if my body is going to melt into a puddle, I never know from one minute to the next what I'll be dealing with.  The turning point for me a few days ago was waking up before the sun in the throes of a migraine.

Tapering 5mg/week was simply not going to work.

Another call to the dr. and I'm told to go back up to 7.5mg and taper down at 2.5mg/week.  The morning of the migraine I discovered that with that 5mg dosage the migraine would go away, and it was that same evening that I added the additional 2.5mg.  While this seems like numbers and boring, dry information, I promise it's much, much more than that.  My entire quality of life depends on a tiny little pill that had the ability to make or break my life in every way.

On one hand it's a life-saver, and on the other it's dangerous as hell.  It's the drug people with AI diseases love to hate.

The usual thinking on getting off prednisone is to slow the taper the lower the dosage gets.  I'm unsure if I will be able to go down to the 5mg again, but I'll certainly find out next Wednesday.  Just how I'll find out is yet to be seen.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worse?  Will there be debilitating symptoms again?  Or will everything go smoothly?

Without answers I can't make plans.  With each day being a giant mystery that unfolds one minute, one hour, one symptom (or lack of) at a time I am no longer really in control of my life anymore.  Prednisone now determines everything---basically, it's made me its bitch.

I can be honest about this.  I have to be honest about this.  I'm willing to face this head-on even if it means I'm the recipient, on occasion, of a TKO by a drug that is supposed to save my life.  I'll get up, face another day (albeit at times unwillingly), and keep going.

All of the above has affected my life.  Okay, I accept that.  What I don't like at this time is no support network, no one listening (not including who reads here) when I really need to talk.  If I could just feel good, be without pain, lead an normal life, I can handle the other stuff.

In the meantime I'm ticking down the hours in those 7 days to reach toward that goal of being off a drug that whispers it will save me, while making me feel as if I'm dying.

Seven days at a time... we'll see where I will be when I'm finally free of the prednisone shackles.

We will see...

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

I see what you did there, Obama, and I'm not okay with it.

I warn people there's a RANT ahead.  Consider yourself warned, my friends.

No matter where you live in the world, I'm betting you know we're not in full-swing election mode... and the butthurt is strong.  Hey.. it's politics; can't really come out of the other side unscathed, so you have to put your big-girl (or big-boy) panties on and grow thicker skin.  Nature of the beast, my friends.  Nature of the beast.

We choose a side and sometimes change that stance as more information comes to light, GIVEN that the information isn't a steaming pile of political dung.  Media, oh yeah, they're somewhat the great shovelers of said dung, and given THAT... a smart individual will take everything with a grain of salt and seek out the most COMPLETE version of the story.

I support Donald Trump.  I won't apologize or explain my choice, because at this point there's no need.  The man's entire life has been in the public eye nearly ALL of his life from young adulthood and up.  Nothing new to see, nothing new to find, except that it wasn't popular to hate Donald Trump UNTIL he scared the crap out of the establishment and decided to run for the presidency.  Wow, right?  Hate-born of nothing more than a choice to run for office; a by-product of left-wing lunacy.

But my point here isn't to talk about the why I made my choice and am sticking with it 100%.  The point of this entry is to express my complete and utter bewilderment at the hate that spews from people, liberals, who are scared shitless that their free handouts might actually not be free for long, or that they'll somehow be required to do something utterly insane---like WORK for a living.

So the hate spews forth, and instead of focusing on supporting who they WANT to win the nomination for their side, they choose instead to bash the most likely opponent.  Um.  Really?  How does that help exactly?  It doesn't.  In fact, many liberals/democrats have switched sides because they no longer want to be affiliated with what, for every measure, is a chaotically organized hate group.  Sorry, but not sorry.  It's the truth.

What's even worse are is the BS from people who don't even live in this country, are not US citizens, and who have absolutely NO SAY in who we elect.  No offense to anyone who's a non-US citizen who reads this, but we know what's best for our country.  You can't bully or shame us into doing what you want.  It doesn't work that way and never will.

The current administration is a travesty, a fraudulent front of epic proportions.  Obama has all but destroyed our country and has taken GREAT pride in pushing his agenda of diversity.  Every month, sometimes every week, there's yet another BS move planned on his part to do whatever he wants to do without restraint, without listening to what the people want, without batting an eye at the long-term consequences of his wielding of power that he has virtually stolen.  He doesn't have the power he's using---he's TAKING it.

All the establishment talking-heads, all of them flailing about as the money rolls in from super pacs, all of them turning from real boy to pinoccio as the puppeteers pull and tug on the strings, while they dance and flail below the maniacal smile of ownership.  They are owned.  They accept the millions given to them and they're bought and paid for.  It's how it works.  They're loyalties are tied snuggly to those who handed them the goods, and the greed is the cement in which they step, willingly.

Donald Trump can't be bought.  He's self-funded, and he doesn't take any shit from anyone.  Few who hate him know anything about him.  Based on nothing but what they may have read on FB memes, or maybe cut, clipped and distorted comments, they don't bother to read his books, listen to the rally's he's given (can stream them or view them afterwards on youtube).  Based on BS they allow the lies to infest their already hate-filled minds and hearts and... they become blinded, enraged, and out of control.  All sense of order, logical and healthy thought-processes...GONE.  Just like that.

They've drank the blue kool aid willingly.

Most importantly, the hate is rampant in this country.  I don't mean just towards candidates or sides, but people have turned their hate on one another.  Division--brought about my Barrack Obama and his sociopathic ideals, tendencies, and needs.  Even as this country falls into disarray the libs continue their propaganda of hate, intolerance, and even self-loathing.  They can't seem to help themselves.  They just can't seem to stop.

This is the democratic machine in perfect working condition.

People refer to this as a sickness, illness, even lunacy.  Maybe they're right.  And I'm not saying everyone on the right is sane, mind you.  You'll find lunatics in just about every corner and facet of society.  Humans.. what can I say?

So what about this lunacy?  Well, it's barely controlled rage, really, hatred dug in so deep that they're literally blinded by it and fail to see anything even remotely reasonable.  Such as supporting a candidate who's lied her entire career, repeatedly, tried to cover up the truth by destroying evidence (and got caught), and was responsible for the deaths of soldiers (Benghazi).. for starters.  This candidate, Hillary Clinton, IS the so-called "war on women," as she defended her husband, Bill Clinton, when he was accused of raping women, etc.  So much for her fight agains the 'war on women.'

Their other main choice of the libs is Bernie Sanders--and they're supporting him while attempting to call Donald Trump a "Fascist."  Um, well, first of all... I'm embarrassed for them, for starters, because they've NO idea what fascism is.  I can only shake my head at this.  Bernie the socialist, the guy who they like because he promises them money for nothing, promises to give, give, give and claims it will all be.... free.  Free?  There's no such thing as FREE anything!  Someone pays for it, and it's the working class citizens who do.

Free stuff:  Now for the record, let me make one thing perfectly CLEAR: Conservatives have no problem with giving social aid to people who actually NEED it.  I'm not EVEN going to go into the millions of people who literally ride out their entire lives, able to work, but choosing not to in order to get free money, food stamps (EBT), and free medical.  All the while those who are struggling to make ends meet continue to work to pay for those who refuse to work.  NOT okay.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Donald Trump has spent his entire life giving opportunity to people, including women... who hold most of the highest paid positions in his companies.  His goal is jobs, income, returning the jobs back to the American work force so people can reach for the 'American Dream,' which Obama has spent his time in office trying to completely destroy.

Most of us are pissed off, fed up, and are speaking out.  Many of us have had a change of heart because our eyes were finally opened.  I'm one of those people!  I was raised in a Republican household, but I chose the democrat side early on.  I even voted for Obama THE FIRST TIME because I was utterly stupid.  I can admit how easily I fell for his pack of lies, false promises, and his ability to schmooze people.  I had that glass of kool aid right up to my mouth, too.  Difference between me and most liberals is that I FREAKING WISED UP!  I pay attention, and I'm good at it.  But I was brainwashed into the whole liberal agenda when I was younger and voting age, and it came about mostly because I have a soft heart and hate to see people suffering and in need.  I grew up very very poor, so I understood the struggle and hated it with all I was.  What I failed to understand is that there was another way of thinking, one that put ME in charge and not the government.  Better late than never, here I am in a complete turn around.  I can thank Obama for that one!

I also admit that prior to Obama running I'd become completely disillusioned by politics, politicians, and even the voting process.  I believed that my vote didn't count for anything, and that not a single politician had my best interest at heart.  I didn't see or hear anyone speaking to or for ME.  I didn't vote, and I told people this: "I'm afraid that who I vote for will win."  Says it all, doesn't it?  I didn't trust anymore.

When Obama schmoozed the public with saying and doing ALL the right things, acting in a fashion that people called "Presidential," I began to wake up and pay attention again.  When he spoke of 'change' I erroneously believed him.  He was very well practiced, had superb speech-writers, and I chose to believe that those had to be his own personal words and that he meant them.  I woke up, but I didn't know it was to be in a nightmare that would span 8.. very long years.

The bewilderment set in when the promise of health care looked like a real possibility.  I was sick, very sick, and I eventually was unable to work.  Long story short, "Obamacare" did NOTHING to help me at all.  Ending up in a hospital twice meant my credit cards were maxed to the limit to cover the bills.  Out of work with no savings I struggled to pay them off and, a few years later, I'm almost there.  My health insurance actually came about due to a marriage.  yeah.. Obamacare helps no one really.  I was broke and unemployed, sick and had dangerous heart problems no one could or would help me with.  Obamacare for most people.. is a complete failure.

But we have bigger problems than the Obamacare disaster.

Obama, in his last couple of years in office, has set his sites on dividing and destroying this country, and he's incited the weak-minded people to take up this fight FOR HIM.  He doesn't need to do anything but light the fire under the already smoldering ground...

And he did.  And he continues to do so.

In the background, around the rest of the world, people are clueless as to what's really happening here.  But I know.  We all know.  Those of us in our right minds anyway...

In a full turn-around from a little over two years ago.. I switched parties to Republican/Conservative. I won't be going back.  The poison is now out of my system and I see things for what they really are. Funny thing, too.. a lot of other liberals have switched.  We can at least thank Obama for being stupid enough to open our eyes.

Yes, I know this is a long entry, and for those of you who stuck with it and read... thank you!  It had to be said.  I had to get this off my chest.  I'm tired of the same ole same ole, as many of us are.  We're done with politicians, done with the insane hate from the left, done with the rest of the world bashing us because they think they know what's happening here.

If you do live in another country, beware of the media lies, the deceit, because we DO NOT have unbiased media here in the USA.  It's always been slanted, but over the past couple of years, and especially with this run for presidential nominees... the media has literally been turned into chaotic works of FICTION.

Please, before you decide to hate Americans, or to hate Donald Trump, KNOW that you CANNOT trust the media 99% of the time.  Remember Trump has been in the media eye, the public eye, for nearly ALL of his life, and that it's only been since he decided to run for president that he's become popular to hate... with the left-wingers.

It's a good rule of thumb--- "Hate what you KNOW, NOT what you THINK you know!"

If you've made it to the bottom of this... thank you...

What is worth more than this day?

I've been blog by blog, fueled by a little too much coffee this morning.  And yet I feel accomplished as I discover that, once again, my mind has cleared a little (thanks to the Prednisone??) and I'm able to get my thoughts out.  My other blogs, well all of them, are being filled with ideas, expectations, hope, contemplations... and I am feeling uplifted for the moment...

It's another day.  It's another day living with an autoimmune disease that is far from reaching remission.  I know the deal, summon the patience needed to accept the situation and it's processes, the time it will take to reach remission.  1-2 years.  I can do this if I focus.  Yes, there will be good days and bad days and struggles and set-backs, but there will also be victories.  It is what it is.

Acceptance.

Today began a little rough, not feeling well in the least.  However, and maybe not the best idea, I used a bit of extra caffein to boost myself to the next level here.  It worked.  So far it worked.  I can't do this every day, obviously not healthy, but I can do it when I need to.

Today is a good day.  And I'm going to get some things done.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Always.  But that's life, isn't it?  In the meantime I will take advantage of what energy I have, even if it is caffein-induced, and I will use it for what needs done.  Oh but I would love to have a take-it-easy kind of day, actually NEED that.  But not today.  Not today.

So I will listen to music, have this last cup of coffee, and find the drive and determination to complete tasks that are, quite frankly, not the easiest things for me right now.

I'm tired.  So tired.  But today is a good day.  And I'll take that.