The Spaces Between the Seconds

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." --"Dig" by Incubus

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person it makes me think about.   2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

Low-Carb weirdness, or is my subconscious mindf*cking me?

Day 3 on Atkins and am having a little of the carb withdrawal.  Could be worse, but thankfully I'm not withdrawing from grains/wheat, processed food, caffein, sugar, etc.  Still, I know this feeling well and it should pass.  Still, WTF is going on with all this other bizzwax?

That low-carb lull isn't surprising, but this craziness with my dreams at night are really getting on my nerves now.  It's not like I haven't brought this up before, and I'm not sure I want to go into the details about who and what is in my dreams or why.  Hell, some of it is hella fun!  Like the drag racing in last night's dream!  THAT was awesome! lol  But, this common theme is really unsettling, to say the least.  Some of it I get.  I really, really get.  And I know my subconscious is telling me to get a freaking life.  No, not telling me, but demanding I get a freaking life.  It's beyond obvious.

I am out-of-my-mind restless now.  Something's going to give.  Correction, something IS giving.  Question is, WTH am I going to do about it?

Simple answer... get a freaking life!

Oh if I only had the cojones to just spell it out here in great bloody detail.  But I don't.  Not right now.  Not even sure I get what it's all about or what I'm going to do about it, to tell you the truth.  But those damn dreams....

Why do I have the dreams I have?  Why are the people in them IN them?  I don't understand.  I wake up and can't make any sense of it all, and yes... the dreams are profound enough that they do follow me about the rest of the day.  And there are times the dreams haunt me for a few days.  Maybe it's because I don't get why some people are in them and why some are not, or why things happen in them or why I don't understand MY role in them.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I could talk to a girlfriend about this, but it's just not that easy, especially when everyone is out of state or hours away.  A phone call often just doesn't cut it.  And when you hang up the phone...you still feel isolated.  Neighbors here are either WAY too old or WAY too young, and the one or two my age I've met just want to get drunk or party etc.  Not my thing.  And I've not gotten out much recently because of the health issues.  So that's changing, but it's taking time to undo the damage from the medications.  One step at a time.

But those dang dreams.  And this dang feeling of needing a road trip.  Not just a road trip but one just for me, to reset everything and find my muse again.  Me, my car, my camera, good tunes, a destination...

Life.

Driving... :)

When I drive.. music is an integral part of the experience... it feels.... it feels like.... (the words will eventually come....)

W.E.I.R.D. as K.C.U.F.

Day 17 and I'm past the half-way point in this juicing journey and counting down to Transitioning-IN.  And I'm feeling weird and having weird dreams and having weird needs and it's just FREAKING WEIRD.  Not bad.  Weird.

There's a difference.  I say that a lot lately.

Maybe I'm just rediscovering a few things I've lost along the way and have NO freaking idea what to do with these "things," whatever they are.  Or maybe I've just lost my damn mind.  *snort*  Now that I can actually deal with.  But there are the dreams and the strangeness with that, and the odd way I can't really wrap my head around how I FEEL about anything anymore.  I mean, WTF is up with THAT???

Now that I'm not wandering around in a gluten and sugar-induced fog I seem to be a bit overcome and overwhelmed by all of this.  Damn, what do I do with it all?

I've discovered an intense need to see something else, somewhere else.  I need stimulation of the 6 senses, all freaking six of them!  Could it be that I'm having my own personal 'Eat, Pray, Love' moment?  Though I don't have any intentions on visiting other countries to find love and get fat! lol  On the contrary!  But, I do so very much need to just get the hell out of Dodge and DRIVE.

To see, to drive, to smell, to taste, to FEEL ALIVE!!

It's a moral imperative.

So the question is now... where do I go?  And do I go alone, or if not, who do I go with?