For those who've left comments... THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...

Being me: I often fail. But I always try.

Wow.  Talking about getting things out in the open about communication.  Posting what I did on Where Fireflies Dream was long overdue.  I could say it was difficult, and it would be the truth, but it was also very necessary.  What I deal with every day sometimes means I have to keep things inside more than I should (if that phrase even made sense).  And when it comes time to spill the contents of an otherwise overflowing mind, well, I have no real idea how it will land on the page (so to speak).  Still, what fun would it be if I always held back?

Maybe I talk too much here lately about my health issues.  Don't know.  What I do know is that I need to talk about it so I can sort through it all and find out exactly where I am with it all.  Do I accept what I'm told?  What do I do with the waiting, waiting, waiting?  How do I expect of others?  Do I give in and let the current take me into what looks like dark waters, or do I hold on and maintain the familiarity of who I am?  I don't know where this all will take me, but I have to remain me no matter what the outcome.

I've spoken a lot about living with someone who is indifference-with-feet, so I won't revisit that except to say it's my reality.  Looking for the place to draw the line in the sand with that has also been an investigation of sorts.  I really need those answers.

As for what's keeping me in this odd limbo is not knowing what my diagnosis is.  Yeah, it doesn't help to know what others have gone through, seeking answers for years while living with symptoms, etc., especially in the absence of a support system.  I can do this alone, but I really need to know what I'm dealing with.  Anyone get that at all?

Being me.  Sounds so freaking simple, doesn't it?  I mean, how can we not be ourselves, right?  It's amazing what changes when dealing with the unknown of this nature, unsure of how your life will be like going forward with X, Y, or Z diagnosis.  Never mind the effects of not having one at all and living with a mystery until someone figures it out.  Blood work, etc., doesn't always reveal what's wrong in a timely fashion.

Oh, and where's the coping mechanisms that keep me grounded?  Hell if I know.  Good days, bad days, dealing, not dealing, hope flourishes then fades.  Damn.

Being me.  Hanging on and remembering who I am.  Every day.  Wondering how I reach out and connect when it feels like I don't have the strength.  Remembering how I used to feel.  Seeking absolution in strange places.  Finding peace in hidden places.

I suppose my words sound random, unfocused, impotent.  Okay.  I'll give you that.  But isn't that what journals are for?  I often write when I can't talk.  Making sense isn't always the goal, at least on [virtual] paper.  Sorting through the confusion and the unknown isn't easy for me right now.

*sigh* Most of my confusion comes from facing the unknown.  I just wish I could get the answers I need to know how and when I can proceed.  Tick tock, Dr. V... I need those test results.

The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The hum of that engine, or the sound of the whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

Well, tomorrow is it...

The house closing is tomorrow and...I'm super excited to be moving out of the city.  It's busy here, and I guess I've grown far to used to the serenity of the neighborhood I lived in while in Mobile, AL. I miss that neighborhood so much, having lived there about 10 years.  Hopefully this little private drive will be just as peaceful.  No through traffic, one way in/out... and not that many houses.  And, the house sits on a bluff.  No, I'm not bluffing.

In the summertime it's covered in kudzu... something that I believe is taking over the south (lol), and in the Winter... it withers and opens up the view even more.  Basically, the landscaped backyard comes to a halt at one point, and needless to say.. it's not a place you want to wander out drunk, especially in the dark! lol  I wouldn't advise wandering out there in the dark sober either. haha  That's one SERIOUS drop, folks! ;p

The deck will be refinished over the next few weeks, as the paint and a few other things get done.  But I honestly can't wait to get hold of that sunroom!!!!  That will be a topic for another day.

This is one of the back corners of the 'back yard' as far as one can take a photo without falling off into that abyss. lol (again, just a photo from the listing). going to be my oasis, my place where all the decompression happens.

And I love the way the deck wraps around the sunroom so that there's a little deck on one side, and a larger deck on the other side (showing in the photo to the left.

I'm loving this already. :)

Last but not least... the bedroom set for the master bedroom was ordered this past weekend. :D  Headboard/footboard, dresser w/mirror, 2 nightstands, and 2 lamps you see in the photo.  Already have the contractor trying to match the paint on the walls in the photo, and I've been looking for the 'natural' look curtains....  yeah, I'm somewhat trying to recreate this room.  Almost.  Almost. :)

And my bedroom set, also pretty but in dark wood.. will go in one of the other two bedrooms. Most likely the one that will be my workspace/office/art/photography room.  We have to have places for family to sleep when they come to visit, so now we will have beds in all 3 rooms.  Yay!

What's not showing here is the view from the breakfast nook (from the back of the house), and the master bedroom.. also at the back of the house.  Unbeatable.  As they say... location, location, location!  There were other houses.. often placed in crowded neighborhoods or on barren, stripped lots.  Oh they were GORGEOUS inside with new everything, etc...  but when you walk outside... barren suburbia.

My thinking on things like this is simple---there are things you can change, and things you can't change.  You can make your house look like a palace, but if you build it in the middle of a landfill... it doesn't much matter if it's a palace.

No matter what house was seen, walked through, oooohed and awed at... it always came back to this one house.  It was difficult to forget the view, the privacy, the way the front yard was outlined in trees all the way to the driveway so that it is literally secluded.

Well, it's difficult to put into words, and most houses aren't at their best in the Winter with all the trees stripped of leaves, the shrubs appearing like nothing more but twigs and woody bones, the grass a pallid yellow.  I guess you just have to see its potential through something other than just your eyes.  And of course, photos from another season certainly helps. ;)

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

Low-Carb weirdness, or is my subconscious mindf*cking me?

Day 3 on Atkins and am having a little of the carb withdrawal.  Could be worse, but thankfully I'm not withdrawing from grains/wheat, processed food, caffein, sugar, etc.  Still, I know this feeling well and it should pass.  Still, WTF is going on with all this other bizzwax?

That low-carb lull isn't surprising, but this craziness with my dreams at night are really getting on my nerves now.  It's not like I haven't brought this up before, and I'm not sure I want to go into the details about who and what is in my dreams or why.  Hell, some of it is hella fun!  Like the drag racing in last night's dream!  THAT was awesome! lol  But, this common theme is really unsettling, to say the least.  Some of it I get.  I really, really get.  And I know my subconscious is telling me to get a freaking life.  No, not telling me, but demanding I get a freaking life.  It's beyond obvious.

I am out-of-my-mind restless now.  Something's going to give.  Correction, something IS giving.  Question is, WTH am I going to do about it?

Simple answer... get a freaking life!

Oh if I only had the cojones to just spell it out here in great bloody detail.  But I don't.  Not right now.  Not even sure I get what it's all about or what I'm going to do about it, to tell you the truth.  But those damn dreams....

Why do I have the dreams I have?  Why are the people in them IN them?  I don't understand.  I wake up and can't make any sense of it all, and yes... the dreams are profound enough that they do follow me about the rest of the day.  And there are times the dreams haunt me for a few days.  Maybe it's because I don't get why some people are in them and why some are not, or why things happen in them or why I don't understand MY role in them.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I could talk to a girlfriend about this, but it's just not that easy, especially when everyone is out of state or hours away.  A phone call often just doesn't cut it.  And when you hang up the phone...you still feel isolated.  Neighbors here are either WAY too old or WAY too young, and the one or two my age I've met just want to get drunk or party etc.  Not my thing.  And I've not gotten out much recently because of the health issues.  So that's changing, but it's taking time to undo the damage from the medications.  One step at a time.

But those dang dreams.  And this dang feeling of needing a road trip.  Not just a road trip but one just for me, to reset everything and find my muse again.  Me, my car, my camera, good tunes, a destination...

Life.

How to starve to death on a vegan diet and make your private parts fall off

No, wait WHAT??  Yeah, everyone knows that if you're vegan or vegetarian you're going to starve to death because, what the hell are you going to eat if you're not going to eat meat?  Right?

Seeds and twigs and grass.  Right?  I mean, who wants to live off of rabbit food when you can just eat the rabbit?  OMG, no!  And if you starve yourself your muscles will be used for protein and..and..and..isn't just about everything made up of muscle?...and what about my, you know, "stuff?"  You know, 'the important stuff'?

What?  You think if you don't eat meat then your muscles will waste away and your junk will fall off, right?

So, to make things easy, and without going through the myriad of facts and such, and without restating the bazillian things listed in abundance on the internet already regarding how you will ultimately starve to death on a vegan diet... let me just skip right to it and give you the horrifying visual of all the grim and non-palatable ways you'll starve.

Brace yourself.  This shit is about to get real.

It's not meat.  I LOOKS like meat.  Ooooh, but it's not!  THIS is how they trick you! 

I'm not falling for this!

And this, this is another way "they" lure you into the vegan trap!  yeah, just take a gander (oops, did I just say that!?!) at this heaping pot of vegan chili!  Non-meat!  It has to be an illusion, filled with visual and culinary impossibilities.  It's a trap.  Just don't go there!

Oh, now we're talking!  THIS looks like some kind of salad!  HA!!!  Gotchya!

But then there's all this creamy stuff, and then some walnuts.  Some herbs and fruit... chickpeas I guess...  I don't trust this.

I simply don't trust this.  Best to steer clear.  I'm sure it's definitely a trap.

I know I see cheese in this stuff.  Right?  Cheese?  No cheese, you say?  WTF???  I KNOW I'M SEEING CHEESE!

Cauliflower?  That's not freaking cauliflower, dude! You're out of your f***ing mind!  Cauliflower that looks like cheese.  You're crazy.

Well I'M not going to eat it!  I don't recognize one single thing there!  Okay, maybe TWO things.  But I'm not eating it, because I don't know what it is.

And where's the chicken?

So this looks okay, but I'm going to have to hit McDonald's after this.  You know that, right?  I mean, where's the beef??!!  Nothing there to eat?!  I'm going to starve!!!

Aaaaahhhhh!!!  A hamburger!!!!!

What do you mean it's not a "hamburger."  I know a hamburger when I see one, and that is a f***ing hamburger!

Mushrooms, my a$$!  And what the hell is a quinoa??!!

Yeah.  I've heard it all, read it all, and at times... thought it all.  But it's all vegan.  Some are main courses, and some are side dishes.  MY thing right now is that I have to combine both vegan/vegetarian with gluten-free.  That is a given.  Though there is one thing that is going to somewhat hinder that from being 100% and that's my cookware.

In order to have a COMPLETELY GLUTEN-FREE DIET you have to replace all of your cookware!  Yep.  And my cookware is an expensive, professional quality set that I'm not about to replace.  Maybe one day.  But not right now.  I've invested in two juicers, so that's enough investing at this time.

Another thing you need to know if you go gluten-free is this:  If you suspect celiac do NOT go on a gluten-free diet, because that will hinder a diagnosis!!!  Get your doctor to get the tests done prior to doing any gluten-free diet, because you don't want to go through that biopsy for no reason!  I doubt I have celiac, so I'm willing to take the risk.

So here's me kicking off my next phase in health, weight loss, and keeping my private parts from falling off!

And yes, there will be some new entries about other things such as how I'm feeling, if my girly bits are still intact (just kidding!), how I feel about the price of tea in England.... or whatever happens to be floating or sinking my boat.

Like I said... This shit is about to get real.