I've come to a crossroads where my f'd up health and maintaining balance in my life intersect in such a way that I'm left with making a choice between hanging on fiercely to who I am in the midst of life-changing circumstances. Sounds like an easy choice, doesn't it?
After posting in Where Fireflies Dream I feel like the remnants of what is left to purge are like shards of broken glass. In some ways I have to be very careful exposing all of my feelings, thoughts, and so forth. And I don't believe for a minute that I have to explain why this is. So I won't. What I will say is that talking about problems, rather than burying them, is far more healthy. So if anyone isn't in the mood to listen--now is your chance to skedaddle! ;)
I've discovered that the Montgomery, AL area.. and surrounding areas, is NOT the best place to be when you need great medical care. But I was blessed in finding a fabulous Dr... a D.O., which was confirmed by complete strangers this past Friday... who happened to overhear a conversation between Tom and I. These two people were pharmaceutical reps who were very familiar with local doctors. In fact, both of them use my Dr., so.. that was a definite great thing to hear. They also offered a lot of advice with where to go to get help with this ridiculous situation regarding my health.
Nothing is ever chance.
I also discovered that the guy I'm with, while a total sweetheart, is not really in the now or connected with what's going on with me. This causes huge problems because I'm forced to hold back a lot of information from him, and to even keep a distance between him and what's going on with me. I withhold information, which he knows I do and why, because trying to talk to him about this..my health..seems to just fall on deaf ears. So be it. I reach out to one or two people when I need to--at their offer and, often, their insistence. But this has done great damage to my relationship. And I know all to well where this eventually leads---my complete and total disconnection from that person. And yes, I've talked with him at great length about this. He gets upset and does a lot of promising about things, but... nothing follows those promises. So I've told him to not make promises anymore. Don't say "I'm sorry" anymore. He says he understands why. And still... nothing changes.
So here I am holding onto being me...with everything I have. I can't waste anymore precious energy on those things that continue to wreak havoc with my health and my life. Tom understands, he says, and he is steadfast and not uncertain about what he wants. But he doesn't do anything to keep me wanting this. And it is VERY hard to keep wanting this by just telling myself that I do. Make sense? I have to agree that on many levels it makes no sense whatsoever. But it is what it is, right?
Step one: Heal. Step two: Continue to heal. Step three: Allow healing while maintaining my spirit, joy, happiness, and every aspect of who I am. Period. Step four: Keeping doing the first three steps until I'm well.
While a larger part of me has once again retreated into isolation, that small yet significant other part of me is a wide open door. I suppose in some ways it's a lot like a lock and key...
For now I'll focus on a couple of important things like making decisions regarding the rest of the house renovations, which has turned into something major. lol That's okay. The house's resell value down the road, should we need it, is going to be awesome. Location and view... and all these updates.. oh yeah, it's resell value is really going to improve significantly.
The other focus is my health--finding out why my liver values are significantly out of whack, what all the other abnormal ranges mean, and finding a doctor willing to put it all together. A GP can only do so much, and mine has done a lot and is working with me to get to the bottom of things. His focus at the moment is the liver issue(s)... serious enough to get everyone's attention and eclipsing anything else that's going on.
What I will do...
Listen to music because it lifts me.
Read books or articles that lift, lighten and inspire me.
Find things that make me laugh.
Keep looking ahead in short distances.
Learn to relax, REALLY relax.
Enjoy what I like, what brings me joy.
Avoid sharing my feelings and thoughts, wishes and desires with anyone who makes me feel bad.
....and much more.
I will do what I can do and keep doing it. It's my life, so I have to do what I must to protect my health, my spirit, my joy, my happiness... and who I am.
3 comments:
I have a friend whom I feel does the same thing. She keeps her emotions and feelings inside because she doesn't want to burden the friends around her. Which always makes me feel terrible! I want to help her, to listen and be a friend. But I feel like prying makes it worse... What do you think? If this were you, if they tried to get the information from you, would you open up more? Or would you hide it stronger?
Just now catching up to comments I didn't get notifications for. Now, for your question: I think it really depends on the person, and sometimes it depends on what's going on right then. I've had moments when I needed to retreat and not talk about things, but then there were times I reached out almost in desperation because I couldn't find my way out of the fog of confusion. One day I may be ready to talk, but that can change quickly. I think most people are like that. A person will talk when they're ready, and I think the best thing, IMHO, is to just say... "I don't know if you're ready to talk about this yet, but I'm here when you are ready." Those are powerful words to say to someone who's not really dealing well with a situation. Of course, the standard disclaimer applies in that if you sense this person is in real danger, either by the circumstances or their reaction to it (depression, suicidal tendencies etc) then it's best to talk, to ask, to saying something to someone, rather than regret later if something happens. But that's an extreme scenario and one that doesn't appear to be the situation with your friend. Mostly, though, just be there and let them know you are... because that in and of itself can be incredibly uplifting. You're a good friend, J.N.... I hope your friend knows this. :)
There must be something going on with my notifications too because I didn't see this reply until this morning.
I love that advice: "I don't know if you're ready to talk about this yet, but I'm here when you are ready."
Those really are powerful words, and I wrote them down verbatim because I think it's the perfect way to gauge how someone is really feeling....
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