Not Today

I guess after spending the morning trying to write in all of my blogs I'm left with very little.  Hell, I started with very little.  Even so, I'm trying.  I have to be able to look back and SEE where I was so I can assess where I am.  This is all for a reason, all of this talking and contemplating, all the raging and wondering and wishing and... well, it's all for a reason.  Still, I would like to just stare down the crap I'm dealing with and say... "NOT today!"  Yeah.  If only.

My mind is trying very hard to still be 'me,' which means there's SOMETHING still here I recognize a little bit.  If only for a moment I can feel that spark, dulled by illness it may be, struggling to ignite something within the deepest recesses and protected by a very stubborn spirit.  I refuse to let go and give in.

My body, however, has other ideas entirely, and it sends the warning signals with any attempt at doing anything remotely 'normal.'  Don't move, don't clean, don't walk that much, don't pick that up off the floor, don't... just don't.  *sigh*  Enough already!... is what I really want to say.

I have to listen, though, because when I don't I pay big time.  It's hard to accept this state of bad health I'm in, though I do know and accept that it's nothing I did, nothing I didn't do that caused this to happen.  Autoimmune diseases are no one's fault.

I'm so incredibly tired...

Okay, body... YOU win today.