Either way.
Funny, though, how much of the saved crap is unpleasant crap. But I do know why I did that. During a time when I needed that reality check it kept me strong in my decisions and resolve with what needed to be done for my health, my happiness, and my life overall. It serves its purpose even now.
Having no one to say 'goodbye' to...
And you guys know I've spoken about this before, but the reality of the situation is that when the mask slips and you see what really 'is'.. it's an earth-shattering event that is very very difficult to get past. During a breakup saying goodbye is part of the deal, and closure is a natural process of healing. But what of those situations where you find yourself not recognizing who you fell in love with, that same person you have to say goodbye to? Yeah, that's the sucky part of it, isn't it? That person vanishes, and in his place is this other guy, one you only recognize because of the physical features. The change, as the mask slips, is insidious, a cautious and malignant process that sneaks up on you while you're busy with the task of trying to find out wtf just happened.
I've said my goodbyes. Many times. The merry-go-round keeps spinning, that other face of that other person you didn't recognize anymore there on the sidelines, standing still, not speaking. No brass ring, folks, just that nauseating sensation of your world spinning and no one at the controls to make it stop.
But it does stop, eventually. The vertigo sucks, your wobbly legs try their best to keep you standing, and yet you're still filled with this question as to WHO you're supposed to say your farewells to. The guy you fell in love with, or the one who took his place?
I saw a therapist and am not at all afraid to admit that fact. Smart people WILL seek help with things they don't understand, those things that disrupt an otherwise good life. She was great, I will admit. So much I was able to understand because of her, so much pointed out to me that was there but unrecognizable. I get it now, I do. But she warned me that it would take time, work, patience and perseverance to come to terms with what I was dealing with, who I was dealing with, and the resulting damage to my spirit and being. No blame, mind you, as I realize my blindness was my own. But I don't blame myself either, because I was dealing with an unknown that I had no name for.
I do know what it is now, and that helps me when I feel that old bewilderment return. When I find myself STILL wondering wth happened to me, how I ended up in THAT experience, I need only to remind myself just how bad things became, and how utterly destructive it was to me as a woman, a human, and a thinking, feeling individual.. and I'm grounded again. Oh, but no hate there. I don't hate and never hate. I hate what a person does or doesn't do, not the person. That's not who I am.
Recognizing what happened wasn't my fault was hard, and is still hard. I was told repeatedly how it was all my fault, completely and totally my fault. I was told that so many times that I began to believe it (Gaslighting), then accepted it as truth because, after all, I loved that person dearly and believed he loved me as well--a mistake I wish I hadn't made, frankly. But I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker. But this is how those things work. It's the same in every single case, which is why it was so easy for my therapist to identify what was going on and point it out to me in the way she did.
It's an ongoing revelation for me. In and out of confusion and the understanding that what was happening was out of my control. What I DID have control over, which I didn't believe at the time, was my ability to make the decision to walk away from it all. Which I did. Finally.
Or did I? Well, I live with the residual damage, so it seems. A constant reminder of what I thought was and actually wasn't, always wondering wtf happened and who the F I was with. The mask slipped and I didn't recognize the face behind it...
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