Here We Go

By now you guys probably understand that I'm existing in that Prednisone fog.  It's intense, and it's not exactly a good time being on this stuff... and it's exceptionally awful coming off.  Once again, just a brief reminder that I will most likely reference this fact often, because it's overwhelmingly JUST THERE as a backdrop to everything I do or attempt to do.  But having said that, I'm dealing with one day at a time, and most days.. one hour at a time, and having sliced the 24 hours in unequal parts means things are truly at a level of chaos unlike anything I've ever known.

Nausea now.  Here it is in all it's glory, the beginning of Cushing's Syndrome-like effects, mostly unavoidable even when tapering slowly.  Bear with me, because if I have anything to say it's going to be filtered through this experience.  I can't promise it will be pleasant, but I can promise it will be truthful, real, and about as raw as you'll ever see me.

So, not to underestimate the power of steroid withdrawal, I simply face my thoughts and feelings on a case by case basis and hope for the best.  Is it moodiness that makes me think this or that, is it reality squared?  Do I ignore my feelings and tell myself "It's the prednisone"?  Nah.  Really, what mostly happens on this stuff is that the filters break down and allow everything to rise to the surface, unfettered by social graces. haha.  Of course I have some control over it and can maintain some semblance of balance in my perceptions, etc.  But I'm also finding it refreshing in a way to actually SEE and FEEL things on a very real level, even if it's unpleasant at times.

It's really weird, but I find myself facing things head-on that I would usually shrink away from in order to avoid any unpleasantness.  In fact, last night I had someone who I've known for many years say something completely out-of-line and hateful on social media, snarky... bitchy... just really blatantly rude.  A pre-prednisone me would've gotten her feelings hurt and simply left the conversation to die and wither on its own.  I would've walked away, licked my wounds and distracted myself with other matters until the hurt feelings passed.  Oh, but not last night...

Last night another, bolder me rose to the surface and in just a few words let that person know she was being mean, ugly, and asked her WHY.  Not for MY sake, mind you, but so she had to face her own ugliness.  Keeping it simple and VERY blunt I got my point across and actually had someone come to my defense, the very person who began the thread in the first place.  A thread, mind you, that had nothing to do with what that ugly person was talking about.  She basically just took a shot at me for no reason.  It's okay, though, because my give-a-shutter is a bit broken right now and I'm able to speak my mind without regret.  No, I'm not being mean or ugly.  I simply spoke the truth in question form and let HER emotional machine deal with it all.  Not my circus, not my monkeys... as they say.

I'm a little done with being a pushover, too-soft, and too much of an introvert that people walk all over me.  Maybe this is my chance to grow a stronger backbone so I can continue to rise above any BS that comes my way.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  I will still be me, just a little tougher than before.

Worth a shot anyway.   I'm nobody's tool.