Secrets From A House On A Bluff....

Living in a house on a bluff means seeing and hearing some of nature's most fascinating children.  These are just some of their stories.

2018. Winter, Spring, early Fall.

So many photos, many taken through a window with bird screen.  But the memories are there, which is the most important thing of all.

Nothing vs Something. It's never as easy as that.

It's been a long and trying road going from most of my life without health insurance to having good health insurance.  While I waited and prayed for answers to what was wrong with me, when the answers began showing themselves it seems to be more a tidal wave of information, rather than simple enlightenment.  I'm reeling a bit from it all and processing the information as it arrives.  Still, there's just so much information, as well as unanswered questions, that the weight of it all leaves me numb.  The lack of a support network makes this process, this experience... trying all the more.  All I can do is continue.  What else is there?

I'm scheduled for a fine needle aspiration biopsy next week, as it seems the 'benign' thyroid cyst I had a couple years ago is now a large, solid, hypervascular lesion/mass that now requires a biopsy to rule out cancer.  This mass can now be felt and seen, so something has definitely changed.  Not sure if it's the cyst that transformed into this hardened mass for some reason, or a completely new thing.  That's always fun, right?

Then there's the waiting for my follow-up with my pulmonologist to go over the CT w/contrast results for the possible PAVM.  out of the two scenarios this is the one I really don't like at all.  Hopefully the results are that it's NOT a PAVM.  The radiologist's report listed the large thyroid mass first, rather than the lesion in my lung.  Maybe because the thyroid mass was more concerning.  We'll see.  And all of this is really only a backdrop to the everyday occurrences that truly make life an annoying endeavor.  Honestly.  Some people do tend to be so absent and indifferent, and I wonder why I would keep anyone in my life who wasn't really there to begin with.  Ah, but this is also history repeating itself, isn't it?

It absolutely is.

Inevitably I'm brought back to reviewing past mistakes, especially the more recent ones, and looking for understanding as to why I've allowed people to do so much damage to me along the way, why I didn't have my own back and protect myself, why I extended so many forgivenesses to those who really didn't deserve them.  One thing I can say about T is that what he's doing, for the most part, is really just coasting along on autopilot, rather than being an active participant in this life we're sharing.  In so many ways I believe my having gone through as much as I have the last several years has left me somewhat changed, and though there may be a lack of permanence to these changes, they're still there, holding fast.

Specifically, what does it say about a person who turns an indifferent ear to another's pain?  When someone reaches out and your response is indifference or lame ass platitudes, what does that say about you?  Callous, is one word that comes to mind.  Selfish, is yet another.  Selfish, because that sort of behavior is fully self-preserving, not wanting to burst your happy little bubble by submitting yourself to someone else's pain and need for friendship, understanding, encouragement, comfort.  I can't say T is doing all of those things, but indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

Indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

I've experienced that in the last relationship, him offering the worst behavior and the worst times, actions and words often peppered with a heavy dose of passive-aggressive cowardice.  Oh, and I have pics of him doing it.  You see, it's easy to take pics of someone when they're in full-blown drama mode and doing everything in their power to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I'll never forget the incidence, the place, the experience, the cruelty, and the nightmare of a drive back to my apartment.  Things like this tend to stick to you once exposed.  Forgetting is one thing, letting it go another.  So far.. I'm unable to do both, and probably because I literally should've told him that very day to go fuck himself.

It's a battle for me now, opening up to anyone.  While I was never an in-your-face type with sharing or talking about personal issues and experiences (still am not), it got so much worse due to my previous 'relationship' (using that word loosely).  I learned to not trust, to not believe my eyes, my ears, my instincts.  Yes, I'm working on repairing all of that, but I may very well need help to accomplish my goal.  Getting back to myself again has been years in the works now.  If I'd only known then what I know now I would've run like the devil was at my heels.

Feeling like crap, so I'm out for now.

Till next time.....

Few & Far Between

August 2018:  Size doesn't always matter.  Juvenile male Ruby-Throated Hummingbird chooses, not the most colorful or larger flower, but the one that bears what he needs to survive.

Such is the case with just about everything these days, constantly in the 'hurry up and wait' mode while both bored and anxious at the same time.  Life is what it is, as I've said a thousand times before.  Roll with it, fight against it, or just accept it.  Who says we have to choose just one way to deal with that which we can hardly deal with?  I'm doing things my way, despite anyone's opinion.  My health sucks, and I feel like shit.  I don't need anyone's permission to feel anything at all.

My choices aren't always the best, and the 'good feeling' that comes from making the right choices are actually few & far between.  Having had my head messed with (to put it MILDLY) for most of my life by people I trusted, and most often those I loved, has left those invisible scars that are, for the most part, the only things holding me together now.  I've never claimed to be perfect.  I do believe I'm being careful, thinking it all out, being reasonable, and deciding on the right choice given when I have to go on at the time.  Yes, I do believe that.  Many times in the last few years I've been SO wrong.  Dealing with the aftermath of said choices sucks beyond reason, and those experiences also leave scares of their own, and ones I really don't know how to function with in the everyday world.

I feel mostly as if I'm not functioning at all.

My world exists in that one mode, the 'few and far between' events that mark anything good or joyful in my life.  Everything comes with a price, and T works very hard (though he won't admit it) to make sure, ALWAYS make sure that I know what the price is.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Having the minutia raining over me constantly is enough to break my give-a-shitter beyond repair.  Somehow, I always find my way back to giving a crap again, but damned if I don't know HOW I manage to do that.  Maybe it's just pure, old-fashioned will.

Bring me the happy events, the joy-filled moments without some ass-hat (male or female) coming along to fuck it all up.  Is that really too much to ask?  Give me a damn minute to breathe every day, not just on occasion when I manage to steal a bit of time for myself where I'm not having to deal with whatever was dumped on me that day.

Any single thing I've done, or experienced, etc. has had something nasty and negative attached to it, again... via T.  He can't be happy for me on any level, and even if it's just something simple.  So much questioning, so much complaining, that barely hidden look of disapproval.

It just makes me tired, you know?  Spending my time being sick and painful, lonely and so freaking lost that I have no idea where my life is going or who the hell I am... is too much most days.

Dammit.

I need those little things in life, the ones I need to survive.  Who's listening?

Till next time......

I am...

July 2018:  Juvenile male Ruby Throated Hummingbird eagerly approaching the Ember's Wish Salvias planted just for him, and all of these garden jewels.

In the throes of indifference, mainly that from another..rather than from oneself, is a state of 'being' that isn't really being at all.  My mom always said there is a vast difference between 'living' and 'existing.'  But where in all things 'life' does 'being' even come in?  Everyone talks about 'being,' writes poems, screenplays, books... about 'being.'  But what the hell is it exactly?

Who the hell cares, though, right?

Only in the current context of my life does it really matter, at least to me.  T's indifference is so thick and heady, oppressive in just about every way, that I question sometimes if I'm actually here or not.  No, not in the literal sense, but... more like questioning everything I am, who I am.  That's pretty significant, no matter who you are.  In those too-dark minutes during the night, this is when we're visited by reality, and one that rarely shuts up no matter what we do to silence that truthful voice.  In some ways it's necessary, needed, but in others that much sought after bliss of ignorance skirts the edges of what we want, and what we know.  Understand?

More than anything I want to be done with it all, sick of the ridiculous and crappy 'surprises' that comes with trusting men to do the right thing.  DISCLAIMER:  I know ALL men aren't bad, lazy, arrogant, ego-driven or self-centered (to list just a few traits).  But in my experience it's been way more times than not.

My life is in limbo.  Again.  Freaking again!  Why the hell do I even bother to trust what T (or any other dude that's been in my life)?  Rhetorical question.  Yet still, I do wonder why I've not learned to be SKEPTICAL.  A bit of skepticism would've done me great favors throughout my life.  But hell no, "I" had to trust blindly.  My bad!

The end result of all these lovely experiences (sarcasm) is that I now, at this late date, DO NOT trust. Aside from my sons (all good men with kind hearts), what's the point in trusting outside of the ones I know that well?  I don't see any up-side to it at all.

I am me.  I like what I like, dislike what I dislike, and I've finally arrived to a place in my life where I won't ever compromise myself for yet another selfish, egotistical, BLIND fool who thinks he can simply regard the fact that I 'am.'  Indifference is an UGLY trait in any person, no matter who you are, what you have, what you look like or claim to be.  It's UGLY, and it's far more poisonous than hate will ever be.

Ah, screw it.  I'm done thinking of this for the day.  Maybe, just maybe.. tomorrow I'll live.

Indifference--the death of connection, respect, and eventually... love.

A very hot day for this young cardinal going through his first molt.  With several bird baths to choose from, all of nature's beautiful children can find food, shade, water, and a bath when most needed.  With heat index temperatures reaching 103+ ... how could I not offer something as simply as clean water for them?  It's the least I can do.

Let me begin by saying.. I'm going to completely avoid discussing the worst of my disappointments from today, as reliving them yet another moment is beyond what I can physically and emotionally handle at the moment.  It's not that I'm avoiding the topic as much as I'm allowing myself time to think, assess, and find my strength to deal with it another day.  This is in direct contrast to the way I usually deal with important and/or life-altering information that demands, well, addressing.  So be it. This time I'm doing it my way.

Functioning in a one-sided relationship isn't something I've not experienced before (duh), and most of us have been there, done that, right?  But experience certainly doesn't do a damn thing to make this any easier, dealing with an indifferent and emotionally-lazy guy.  I guess I'm surprised at how many "Grown" men are still this selfish, this childish, where simply floating along in one's life without regard to anyone else in it seems, well, second nature.  Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

Seriously, there's NOTHING about a man-child that's sexy.  Nothing at all.

Oh, but I can hear the 'buts' even now.  'Oh, but I work and hold a job!"  Um, there are young kids who do yard work, deliver newspapers (not so much these days though), and do other odd jobs on a regular basis.  So tell me how having a job defines you as being a 'man'?  And yes, I'm using the word "You" loosely here.  But trust me... if this strikes a nerve, then... as they say.. if the shoe fits, Cinderella.

But I digress...

I suppose not everyone has the same criteria for what a 'man' actually is.  But then... that's not what this entry is about anyway.  No sense in focusing on the differences in my definition and anyone else's, because we're all smart enough to understand what it is I'm talking about.  Either way, today was riddled by man-child-isms from beginning to end.  I'm at my wits end dealing with this crap, for sure.

Oh, but he's not a narcissist like the other guy!  True.  Still, that doesn't mean his behavior is respectful, compassionate, or even loving.  One doesn't have to be a monster to do harm to another, and failing to hear, understand and avoid certain disrespectful and hurtful behaviors doesn't cost a dime nor burn a single calorie.  It's not rocket science.

At the end of the day it comes down to a few simple truths, ones that you can either look at, acknowledge and sleep easy, or ones that you may have known weren't kind or respectful or caring but didn't care that they were, opting for the easiest thing that takes little to no effort.  Guess which T chose?  So now it really is the end of the day, and I'm sitting here in the dark writing a blog entry and wondering why the hell he just simply wanted to go take a nap while I sat here in tears.  Oh, he offered a split second platitude, but it had nothing behind it whatsoever.  What he really wanted was to just go chill, lay down, play on Facebook, and nap.

Whatever.

So where does that leave me?  Isn't this the usual question after all the bullshit?  Well, where it leaves me is feeling more and more like it's once again time to take my life back, to actually LIVE despite what some dude wants.  I don't need permission to go about the business of my life.

More later.....

The Frightening Truth: Pathological Narcissists Groom Victims Like Child...

How the Narcissist Uses The Silent Treatment to CONTROL YOU

SIGNS THAT HE'S A NARCISSIST!

Part II, as promised.

Spring 2018: Mourning doves snuggling before mating.  Doves are some of the sweetest birds on the planet, and I feel blessed having them visit my yard every day.

Yesterday I made the decision to switch from a Keto eating plan back to low-cal, low-carb, low-fat.  Honestly, I never thought it would work, but eating breads, pastas, anything with a lot of sugar, etc. simply doesn't work very well for my body.  And when it comes to eating a moderate protein/high fat diet... it doesn't take very long before I can't even stomach the thought of eating more meat, eggs, cheese, fat.. fat.. fat.  Yes, it does speed up fat loss better than most plans, but my body isn't feeling well.  So, what could it be that makes my body feel this crappy?  SLE symptoms, Sjogren's symptoms, medication to bring those symptoms under control, diet?  I've no idea, but it sure doesn't help this challenging situation one bit.

I'm on day 3 at the moment of this diet change, and my body feels like crap.  On one hand, I can eat a more balanced diet this way, but on the other hand... my stomach can't hold much in the way of food.. which means my caloric intake is crazy low, usually below 600 calories/day.  Trying to handle the chores inside and out of this house has become, and pretty much has been a serious uphill battle for me.  While the SLE & Sjogren's symptoms persist.. I'm left with very little to drive my body to get everything done.  I'm often completely spent by 1pm or 2pm, and I can barely stay awake at 8pm.  Yes, I get up early, but I'm getting enough sleep.  So what gives, and how the hell do I fix this dilemma?

The major driving factor in this malaise is emotional, however, and as long as that remains 'as-is' I've no chance of fully healing and regaining strength, endurance, or good health.  The days, afternoons and nights are heavy with the undercurrent of anxiety and stress, most of which are powered by mistrust.  T is fabulous at his job, extremely intelligent (genius IQ), but he's not driven when it comes to other important aspects of life, such as the responsibilities of relationships and personal life in general.  It's very hard on me to carry it all, to be the one carrying the relationship and handling EVERYTHING indoors and out.  Working 8 hours a day would be a vacation compared to this.  But what can I do?

There's simply no motivating someone who isn't interested in anything, someone completely content with letting everything (but his job) fall to the wayside because it's simply easier.  Whoever said everything should be 'easy' has likely got shitty relationships and a filthy, cluttered home.  And I'm not kidding.

I'm not a Jill of All Trades, nor do I want to be.  I also don't want to be completely used up as a person within the next couple of years or so.  The latter is likely going to be the case if T doesn't get up off his ass and start sharing in responsibilities here at home.  I mean, seriously.

We purchased yard/gardening equipment, but I assure you it's not for T to use, but for me to use.  They're also STILL sitting in the boxes and have been for the better part of 2 months now.  No matter how much I ask, beg, etc.... he just finds ways to procrastinate and NOT put anything together.  And yes, I've tried, but I can't get down on the floor to assemble everything, especially the heavier items like my solid wood gardening bench.  I mean, assembly for someone able to do it means.. they get the easy part.  The hard part is getting out in this crazy heat and humidity and sun, the latter of which I'm not supposed to get out in because it triggers flares of SLE and Sjogren's.  Still, I'm the one out there doing the work, pretty much all of it.

I'm worn out.  When is life going to actually begin?  When do I actually GET a life?  Can anyone even answer that, because I sure the hell can't.

The chores never, ever, EVER end.  No exaggeration.

Speaking of which... I'm off to do chores now....

I dream of a life of my own.  One day... maybe one day.

He was a good dad.

Mockingbird dad with one of his fledglings.  This is one of the last few photos I took of him (and his babies) before he was taken by a Cooper's Hawk.  In nature... the cycle of life is just what it is, but this loss saddens me deeply.  Funny how close one becomes with nature's beautiful children when quiet respect for them is put forth first, when gentle observance is the order of the day and any situation  I miss his songs and his presence, and the way he tolerated my presence in the most surprising ways.  I hope the little ones are off onto their own territories and enjoying their new world and lives.  Be safe, little ones.  Be safe.

Long gaps between entries here doesn't mean nothing is going on.  In fact, usually the long silences are do to something very much going on in my life, and it's most often of the unpleasant variety.  Honestly, trying to even begin to explain what's transpired over the last several weeks is nearly impossible, and some things... are just difficult for me to wrap my head around, much less share it out in the open.  Some of it's personal, and some of it is absolutely, deeply personal.  Sharing the latter with anyone is the hardest.  Few understand me, and even fewer understand that which rocks my world---both in a positive or negative way.  Still, I will try and share what's rocked my world lately, as hard as it will be.

The undercurrent in my life is being, well, separated from a 'normal' life.  For most, as it is for me, that means 'living' (using the word loosely) in a severed state, if you will, from people.  This isolation has been coming on and getting worse over the years, and it seems to get far worse the sicker I get, and the more I end up in a situation where the guy in my life becomes the only real human contact I have.  The only thing that truly feels like 'me' anymore is my love of animals, nature, and photography.  Those things, above and beyond all else, will never change.  How far I can submerse myself, however, does change and is dependent on the other aspects of my experiences here on planet earth.  It's an often sad, lonely, and very happy existence when one is forced to live outside their natural norms, and when the most of the responsibility for everything inside and outside the house, property is left to me, even when my body isn't up to what I, and T, have demanded of it.

My days aren't completely joyless, however.  A pair of bluebirds checked out one of our nest boxes for a few days, and trust me.. that's a blessing considering our yard and area isn't their type of habitat. They prefer open areas, whereas our area and property is heavily wooded.  There's also a gorgeous male Summer Tanager that's been hanging out and singing from the trees, probably trying to attract a mate.  So, while this life I'm in leaves much to be desired, I have my moments of joy and beauty.

I'm a little spent at the moment, and I've lost the flow of things here.  I'll amend that with a part II soon.  Til next time.....

Life? I think not.

Secrets From A House On A Bluff, April 2018. One of two mockingbird fledglings the dad brought to where we put mealworms out for them.  He's a good dad.

It's been awhile.  Again.  I know, I know.  Sometimes, well actually most times, life itself gets in the way of my doing anything else but putting out fires someone else has set.  And yes, I also know this is pretty much an echo of things that I've spoken about here.  No big surprise there, really.  So then, what makes this time different?  To be honest, absolutely nothing has changed.  It's not different, which is the problem.  No surprise there either.

There isn't a day I don't dig and think and contemplate and troubleshoot how to fix this miserable mess I've once again gotten myself into.  The only way to truly avoid this crap is to not get in it to begin with (duh!).  One day I'll figure out how to not buy into the bullshit most guys try to feed me when things are new, and when I'm most vulnerable and want to believe that most people, even guys, are good.  My understanding at this point is that it's better said than done, because this world is full of frauds and bullshitters who've faked their way through life so much they actually believe their own crap.

Expecting perfection from others isn't the problem.  The problem, at least in my case, is that I forgive people's flaws, even the ones that are, in essence, unforgivable.  My bad completely.  I've dealt with a long line of liars and cheats, frauds and narcissists (which are the very worst), and they often all come in pretty packaging.  No, I'm not referring to looks but the facade they try to pass off as their personality, who they actually are.  As always, the day or reckoning always, ALWAYS comes, and here I sit, once again, bewildered as to how I could've managed to fall for it again.

No worries.  I know where I am in this.

Oh now, it isn't THAT bad.  Oh, yes it is.  In fact, to the backdrop of recent health diagnosis it's beyond bad.  Experiences such as this makes me lose faith in humanity, what little I had for it anyway.  Mostly I find people lacking and disappointing to a painful degree.

Yeah, I'm here talking and leaving all the details out.  The details aren't easy to talk about, and they're painful on a deeply human level.

"I see humans, but no humanity."  Not sure who originated that statement, but no truer words were ever spoken.