I am...

July 2018:  Juvenile male Ruby Throated Hummingbird eagerly approaching the Ember's Wish Salvias planted just for him, and all of these garden jewels.

In the throes of indifference, mainly that from another..rather than from oneself, is a state of 'being' that isn't really being at all.  My mom always said there is a vast difference between 'living' and 'existing.'  But where in all things 'life' does 'being' even come in?  Everyone talks about 'being,' writes poems, screenplays, books... about 'being.'  But what the hell is it exactly?

Who the hell cares, though, right?

Only in the current context of my life does it really matter, at least to me.  T's indifference is so thick and heady, oppressive in just about every way, that I question sometimes if I'm actually here or not.  No, not in the literal sense, but... more like questioning everything I am, who I am.  That's pretty significant, no matter who you are.  In those too-dark minutes during the night, this is when we're visited by reality, and one that rarely shuts up no matter what we do to silence that truthful voice.  In some ways it's necessary, needed, but in others that much sought after bliss of ignorance skirts the edges of what we want, and what we know.  Understand?

More than anything I want to be done with it all, sick of the ridiculous and crappy 'surprises' that comes with trusting men to do the right thing.  DISCLAIMER:  I know ALL men aren't bad, lazy, arrogant, ego-driven or self-centered (to list just a few traits).  But in my experience it's been way more times than not.

My life is in limbo.  Again.  Freaking again!  Why the hell do I even bother to trust what T (or any other dude that's been in my life)?  Rhetorical question.  Yet still, I do wonder why I've not learned to be SKEPTICAL.  A bit of skepticism would've done me great favors throughout my life.  But hell no, "I" had to trust blindly.  My bad!

The end result of all these lovely experiences (sarcasm) is that I now, at this late date, DO NOT trust. Aside from my sons (all good men with kind hearts), what's the point in trusting outside of the ones I know that well?  I don't see any up-side to it at all.

I am me.  I like what I like, dislike what I dislike, and I've finally arrived to a place in my life where I won't ever compromise myself for yet another selfish, egotistical, BLIND fool who thinks he can simply regard the fact that I 'am.'  Indifference is an UGLY trait in any person, no matter who you are, what you have, what you look like or claim to be.  It's UGLY, and it's far more poisonous than hate will ever be.

Ah, screw it.  I'm done thinking of this for the day.  Maybe, just maybe.. tomorrow I'll live.