Spring 2018: Mourning doves snuggling before mating. Doves are some of the sweetest birds on the planet, and I feel blessed having them visit my yard every day.
Yesterday I made the decision to switch from a Keto eating plan back to low-cal, low-carb, low-fat. Honestly, I never thought it would work, but eating breads, pastas, anything with a lot of sugar, etc. simply doesn't work very well for my body. And when it comes to eating a moderate protein/high fat diet... it doesn't take very long before I can't even stomach the thought of eating more meat, eggs, cheese, fat.. fat.. fat. Yes, it does speed up fat loss better than most plans, but my body isn't feeling well. So, what could it be that makes my body feel this crappy? SLE symptoms, Sjogren's symptoms, medication to bring those symptoms under control, diet? I've no idea, but it sure doesn't help this challenging situation one bit.
I'm on day 3 at the moment of this diet change, and my body feels like crap. On one hand, I can eat a more balanced diet this way, but on the other hand... my stomach can't hold much in the way of food.. which means my caloric intake is crazy low, usually below 600 calories/day. Trying to handle the chores inside and out of this house has become, and pretty much has been a serious uphill battle for me. While the SLE & Sjogren's symptoms persist.. I'm left with very little to drive my body to get everything done. I'm often completely spent by 1pm or 2pm, and I can barely stay awake at 8pm. Yes, I get up early, but I'm getting enough sleep. So what gives, and how the hell do I fix this dilemma?
The major driving factor in this malaise is emotional, however, and as long as that remains 'as-is' I've no chance of fully healing and regaining strength, endurance, or good health. The days, afternoons and nights are heavy with the undercurrent of anxiety and stress, most of which are powered by mistrust. T is fabulous at his job, extremely intelligent (genius IQ), but he's not driven when it comes to other important aspects of life, such as the responsibilities of relationships and personal life in general. It's very hard on me to carry it all, to be the one carrying the relationship and handling EVERYTHING indoors and out. Working 8 hours a day would be a vacation compared to this. But what can I do?
There's simply no motivating someone who isn't interested in anything, someone completely content with letting everything (but his job) fall to the wayside because it's simply easier. Whoever said everything should be 'easy' has likely got shitty relationships and a filthy, cluttered home. And I'm not kidding.
I'm not a Jill of All Trades, nor do I want to be. I also don't want to be completely used up as a person within the next couple of years or so. The latter is likely going to be the case if T doesn't get up off his ass and start sharing in responsibilities here at home. I mean, seriously.
We purchased yard/gardening equipment, but I assure you it's not for T to use, but for me to use. They're also STILL sitting in the boxes and have been for the better part of 2 months now. No matter how much I ask, beg, etc.... he just finds ways to procrastinate and NOT put anything together. And yes, I've tried, but I can't get down on the floor to assemble everything, especially the heavier items like my solid wood gardening bench. I mean, assembly for someone able to do it means.. they get the easy part. The hard part is getting out in this crazy heat and humidity and sun, the latter of which I'm not supposed to get out in because it triggers flares of SLE and Sjogren's. Still, I'm the one out there doing the work, pretty much all of it.
I'm worn out. When is life going to actually begin? When do I actually GET a life? Can anyone even answer that, because I sure the hell can't.
The chores never, ever, EVER end. No exaggeration.
Speaking of which... I'm off to do chores now....
I dream of a life of my own. One day... maybe one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment