Nothing vs Something. It's never as easy as that.

It's been a long and trying road going from most of my life without health insurance to having good health insurance.  While I waited and prayed for answers to what was wrong with me, when the answers began showing themselves it seems to be more a tidal wave of information, rather than simple enlightenment.  I'm reeling a bit from it all and processing the information as it arrives.  Still, there's just so much information, as well as unanswered questions, that the weight of it all leaves me numb.  The lack of a support network makes this process, this experience... trying all the more.  All I can do is continue.  What else is there?

I'm scheduled for a fine needle aspiration biopsy next week, as it seems the 'benign' thyroid cyst I had a couple years ago is now a large, solid, hypervascular lesion/mass that now requires a biopsy to rule out cancer.  This mass can now be felt and seen, so something has definitely changed.  Not sure if it's the cyst that transformed into this hardened mass for some reason, or a completely new thing.  That's always fun, right?

Then there's the waiting for my follow-up with my pulmonologist to go over the CT w/contrast results for the possible PAVM.  out of the two scenarios this is the one I really don't like at all.  Hopefully the results are that it's NOT a PAVM.  The radiologist's report listed the large thyroid mass first, rather than the lesion in my lung.  Maybe because the thyroid mass was more concerning.  We'll see.  And all of this is really only a backdrop to the everyday occurrences that truly make life an annoying endeavor.  Honestly.  Some people do tend to be so absent and indifferent, and I wonder why I would keep anyone in my life who wasn't really there to begin with.  Ah, but this is also history repeating itself, isn't it?

It absolutely is.

Inevitably I'm brought back to reviewing past mistakes, especially the more recent ones, and looking for understanding as to why I've allowed people to do so much damage to me along the way, why I didn't have my own back and protect myself, why I extended so many forgivenesses to those who really didn't deserve them.  One thing I can say about T is that what he's doing, for the most part, is really just coasting along on autopilot, rather than being an active participant in this life we're sharing.  In so many ways I believe my having gone through as much as I have the last several years has left me somewhat changed, and though there may be a lack of permanence to these changes, they're still there, holding fast.

Specifically, what does it say about a person who turns an indifferent ear to another's pain?  When someone reaches out and your response is indifference or lame ass platitudes, what does that say about you?  Callous, is one word that comes to mind.  Selfish, is yet another.  Selfish, because that sort of behavior is fully self-preserving, not wanting to burst your happy little bubble by submitting yourself to someone else's pain and need for friendship, understanding, encouragement, comfort.  I can't say T is doing all of those things, but indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

Indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

I've experienced that in the last relationship, him offering the worst behavior and the worst times, actions and words often peppered with a heavy dose of passive-aggressive cowardice.  Oh, and I have pics of him doing it.  You see, it's easy to take pics of someone when they're in full-blown drama mode and doing everything in their power to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I'll never forget the incidence, the place, the experience, the cruelty, and the nightmare of a drive back to my apartment.  Things like this tend to stick to you once exposed.  Forgetting is one thing, letting it go another.  So far.. I'm unable to do both, and probably because I literally should've told him that very day to go fuck himself.

It's a battle for me now, opening up to anyone.  While I was never an in-your-face type with sharing or talking about personal issues and experiences (still am not), it got so much worse due to my previous 'relationship' (using that word loosely).  I learned to not trust, to not believe my eyes, my ears, my instincts.  Yes, I'm working on repairing all of that, but I may very well need help to accomplish my goal.  Getting back to myself again has been years in the works now.  If I'd only known then what I know now I would've run like the devil was at my heels.

Feeling like crap, so I'm out for now.

Till next time.....