Few & Far Between

August 2018:  Size doesn't always matter.  Juvenile male Ruby-Throated Hummingbird chooses, not the most colorful or larger flower, but the one that bears what he needs to survive.

Such is the case with just about everything these days, constantly in the 'hurry up and wait' mode while both bored and anxious at the same time.  Life is what it is, as I've said a thousand times before.  Roll with it, fight against it, or just accept it.  Who says we have to choose just one way to deal with that which we can hardly deal with?  I'm doing things my way, despite anyone's opinion.  My health sucks, and I feel like shit.  I don't need anyone's permission to feel anything at all.

My choices aren't always the best, and the 'good feeling' that comes from making the right choices are actually few & far between.  Having had my head messed with (to put it MILDLY) for most of my life by people I trusted, and most often those I loved, has left those invisible scars that are, for the most part, the only things holding me together now.  I've never claimed to be perfect.  I do believe I'm being careful, thinking it all out, being reasonable, and deciding on the right choice given when I have to go on at the time.  Yes, I do believe that.  Many times in the last few years I've been SO wrong.  Dealing with the aftermath of said choices sucks beyond reason, and those experiences also leave scares of their own, and ones I really don't know how to function with in the everyday world.

I feel mostly as if I'm not functioning at all.

My world exists in that one mode, the 'few and far between' events that mark anything good or joyful in my life.  Everything comes with a price, and T works very hard (though he won't admit it) to make sure, ALWAYS make sure that I know what the price is.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Having the minutia raining over me constantly is enough to break my give-a-shitter beyond repair.  Somehow, I always find my way back to giving a crap again, but damned if I don't know HOW I manage to do that.  Maybe it's just pure, old-fashioned will.

Bring me the happy events, the joy-filled moments without some ass-hat (male or female) coming along to fuck it all up.  Is that really too much to ask?  Give me a damn minute to breathe every day, not just on occasion when I manage to steal a bit of time for myself where I'm not having to deal with whatever was dumped on me that day.

Any single thing I've done, or experienced, etc. has had something nasty and negative attached to it, again... via T.  He can't be happy for me on any level, and even if it's just something simple.  So much questioning, so much complaining, that barely hidden look of disapproval.

It just makes me tired, you know?  Spending my time being sick and painful, lonely and so freaking lost that I have no idea where my life is going or who the hell I am... is too much most days.

Dammit.

I need those little things in life, the ones I need to survive.  Who's listening?

Till next time......