Zella Day - Sweet Ophelia (Official Video)

Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (RAC remix)

What is "Joy"?

Joy is the giant umbrella that keeps the harshest rain from soaking you to the bone, the same umbrella that brings shade when the sun is at its worst.  Joy isn't a perfect day or perfect life, and it doesn't present itself the same to everyone.  Your joy may very well be my complete hell.  The answer to the question is.... "Joy" is a different experience, a different presence for each person.  When you think about it, there is no real definition for joy.  It just is or is not.

I sometimes find my joy, though it's often fleeting.  And sometimes my joy is stolen by a careless action,  inaction, word or the strong and damaging presence of indifference.  But eventually... I will find it again, and in those moments are when I'm most alive, free, and completely me.  And I will not be made to feel selfish for embracing the person, soul, spirit I am.  There have been a couple of people in my past who sought to change me completely, and in every instance I was left shattered on the inside and out.  And it nearly happened again.

I somehow managed to catch myself in the process of falling into that abyss.  And yes, I consider that 'lucky.'

This is where I am today as I sit here spent from days and days of running behind T dotting all the I's and crossing all the T's, and I've yet to actually get a break from it all.  Yesterday was my birthday, and as birthdays go.. that one sucked beyond belief.  SO much to do, and all I did was go and go and go from sunup till sundown.  That's what life is like when you live with someone who 'coasts' through life like they're still 15 yrs old and have mamma to take care of everything.  I'm worn today, worn and shattered and trying to catch my breath.

My camera sits beside me, covered so dust doesn't get on the lens.  I've not been outside to capture the beauty that I can still see around me.  There's simply just no time right now.  I'm far too busy picking up where T left off.  God, but I need life to slow down.

I have surgery coming in a few weeks, possibly a couple of months.  They've not scheduled it yet.  But the important part isn't the when but what happens when I'm incapacitated for a bit.  The thought terrifies me since I have no help here.  T... is not help.  In my circumstances, like so many times before, if I don't do 'it,' it just doesn't get done.  So what hell awaits me when I'm supposed to be healing?  Who will help?  A terrifying thought.  Just terrifying.

It's thoughts like these that keep me up at night, that wake me at 3am, that exists as a dark undercurrent to all things 'life' and 'living,' leaving me no peace, no serenity, and consuming everything in its path.  It's been two weeks since I've slept more than 5 hours a night.

Two weeks.

Where is my joy today?  Waiting.  Waiting for me to be released from this anchor of servitude to a person who simply doesn't understand the damage he's doing.

Doesn't matter.  Praying I will get there, that I reach that place where I am happy, where I am me, where my joy is.

"You Can't Pour From An Empty Cup."

.... so take care of yourself FIRST.

Easier said than done.

Overwhelmed.

Because it happens.  The minute a guy starts believing you'll pick up the pieces, dot all the i's and cross the t's... you're in deep shit.  The minute he figures out that he can just flip the switch to auto-pilot and leave the wrecking ball swinging, you're fucked.  The second he sees he can just sit back and half-ass his way through life, through YOUR life.... you'll be buried under a mountain of crap that you will never, EVER get away from.  At some point, something IS going to give.  And guess what?  That something... is YOU.

That is, unless you take your life back QUICKLY and before too much damage is done.

Oh, and there's something else I should mention.  This damage is cumulative.  That means that every relationship you've ever been in that was destructive to you in some way creates layer upon layer of dead weight that sits on your soul, your spirit, the very core of your being until one day it finally breaks you.  This is why protecting yourself is critical to your emotional, psychological and physical health.  Trust me.  I'm not kidding when I say it will break you.

This is where I've been and where I am today, right here and now.  Like others before him, T only does what he considers the absolute bare minimum, leaving the bulk of 'whatever it is' for me to handle, fix, augment, and any form of picking up the slack that exists.  One person simply cannot do it all when there are more than one person in the situation.  Well, I should say one more ADULT.  Kids are way WAY easier.  Grown men not interested in doing what needs to be done and doing it the right way.. not so much.

Fuck that.

I make no apologies for cursing at the moment.

Life has been beyond trying over the past couple of years, and it's gotten much MUCH worse of late. The last several years have been a fucking nightmare from beginning to end, with the exception of those few things that were solely and truly part of my own personal life.  In those moments when I was living MY life the way I was meant to live it, when all that I did, did not do, thought, dreamed, wished for, etc.... wasn't filtered through someone else... I knew joy, peace, and a freedom that renews the soul, mind and spirit.  This is how people are really meant to live, you know.  And it doesn't mean someone else can't be in their life, but it does mean that whoever is in their life shouldn't be controlling that other person nor pushing the weight of the entire relationship on that other person.

Carry your share of the damn load already!

I can't do the work of two people.  Life's work is what it is, but everyone has to carry their share.  Period.  Right now, I feel I'm carrying the load of several people, and it's getting to me in more ways than I could ever explain.  Everywhere I turn I'm doing damage control.

There's SO much to do, and it's pretty much left up to me.  I'm sick of it.  SICK.  OF.  IT.  Don't ask me what the solution is, because I've absolutely NO idea, and without any coping mechanisms in place, with the absence of any kind of support network coming up with solutions is pretty impossible.  All there is for me to look forward to is the overwhelming part, the shutting down part, and the stuck in inertia part.  That's it.  Oh, but it does take some time to get to that last part.

No time or room or breathing space to enjoy a single thing most of the time.  The moments of joy I do have are ultimately stolen from those things requiring my attention (because no one else is willing to do their part).

So today was meltdown day, at the end of my rope day, aka... hell day.  And there are just far too many of THOSE days lately.  The problems pile up and are left to me.  I can't keep up, and I can't catch up, and my body is giving out from the going, going, going, going, going to try to keep up with it all.

I've no idea what will be left of me by the end of this day.

What Sustains Me

Photography.  Nature.  Not necessarily in that order.  Having the ability to lose myself in something beautiful, even if it means hard work.  While the usual struggles remain I can still seek solace through the lens while watching some of nature's most interesting children go about their lives.  My world may be small right now, but it's rich and vibrant with color and sound and LIFE.  What more could I really ask for?  Much, sadly.

Yes, it would be amazing to have the kind of relationship I had long long ago.  The 'who' in that situation really doesn't matter.  What DOES matter is that I did have that kind of relationship for a time, and even if it didn't work out I was able to live it, feel it, have it, and remember it.  But is that 'enough'?  Not really.  But it's great that I had the experience.

How can it possibly be a bad thing to seek something better?  The idea of wanting more, wanting a better quality life and experiences doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what I already have.  Life, for good reason, just isn't that simple or cut and dried, and anyone who lives their life by the 'easiest route' is usually a very unhappy person, despite what face they put out there for others to see.  Truest me, we see the real you.

For all the things that sustain me, the beauty, the color, the story behind what I see, there is much that still drains from me the very vitality that's instilled in me through the experiences I'm blessed to have.  And those experiences, for the most part, are private.  I simply don't share them.

Aside from blogging, which is pretty much the only place I share, any and all attempts in the past to share my passions, dreams, views, experiences, all that which inspires and excites me has all ended on a flat and somewhat out-of-key note, ruining the entire song.  The decision to hold these experiences close, to protect them is what I do.

So I'm still here.  Still breathing.  Still hoping for a better life.  I'm still here wanting a real relationship like the one from long, long ago.  But in my heart of hearts I'm not entirely sure I believe that.  I know, how silly, right?  But it's true.  I'm burned out on relationships and all their trappings and stressors and demands.  My spirit needs recharging, replenishing, and a much sought after sabbatical from the daily grind of keeping up with people who don't get me.  Been there, done that, and really don't want to do that again.

In the meantime and as my body and soul heals I look past this house and into the world surrounding me and see the face of nature.  And it makes me smile.  I mean TRULY smile from the inside out.

Sept 05, 2017, Secrets From A House On A Bluff

It's been a busy busy few weeks.  Planting, putting up a few trellises, a small fence, and lots of opportunities to photograph my favorite subjects.  This is  the biggest blessing of all, being able to put my soul through the lens and see the magic on the other side.



For a time I can forget the trouble, the frustration with every day life...

This House On A Bluff.

The more that goes on the harder it is to talk about it all.  One moment life seems both chaotic and redundant, and at other times life just settles in place and I'm aligned with all I love.  Maybe it's like that for most people.  I don't know.  For me, though, the chaos is avoidable and often brought about by T, and he tends to run contrary to all I believe in and love.  Okay, so not ALL, but you get the point, right?

I turn my focus to photography (no pun intended) and I'm good, inside and out.  Searching for the beauty in the world through the lens has always been a healing component to that which drives my passions and dream.  And these days I indulge in what feeds my soul.  That is, until I have to find my way past the T barrier.  No, it's not like he does this on purpose (or so I want to believe).  Still, he doesn't NOT do it on purpose either, and therein... lies the problem.

Now, it's only fair that I also mention there are some things, vital things, that we both are alike on, and one of them is animals, especially wildlife.  We are on the same page there, for the most part.

Health is shaky these days, beginning with about 12 minutes of sun exposure.  Long story there, but suffice it to say I'm intolerant, and since that exposure I've crashed and burned.  I won't go into the gory details.

So where am I going with this exactly?  Addressing and trying to thwart the disappointment that seems to be T's 'thing' these days, beginning with the day I took the photo above.

While I was outside replacing the hummingbird feeders with fresh ones, I heard loud, beating wings and the 'landing' on the tree above the house.  I did briefly see the large wingspan out of the corner of my eye before the bird landed in the tree.  It was a black vulture, and I really dig those guys so immediately went inside to grab my camera.  The last clean feeder was just hung anyway, so.. why not?

The vulture perched above for a few minutes, looking around, then found a nice, tall pine tree with a place for him/her to rest, take a nap, and preen.  I wanted SO much to stay there with my camera and wait for him/her to leave, because I really wanted to get a shot of those wings in flight.  I did catch a couple of shots as the vulture hopped from one limb to another, but I really wanted that flight shot.

LONG story short, and while I did get a lot of shots of that vulture looking back at me, curiously, napping, preening, etc... T kept complaining that we needed to go.  Yes, we needed to go to the store, but the store wasn't going to close anytime soon.  Still, after repeated complaints I finally just gave in, and it didn't sit well with me AT ALL.

The vulture had perched and napped, etc for some time and had been looking upward and about, those tell-tale signs that he/she would be leaving soon.  But it didn't matter, not to T.  This was a once in a lifetime shot, maybe, because that vulture perched only to rest.  Their perching locations are normally with a committee comprised of family etc.  This vulture had a very full crop so was literally chilling after the feast, and he/she chose our property as a place to do that.

No telling when I'll see this again, though I do see them flying over every day.  It was a somewhat missed opportunity to catch shots of that vulture flying off the limb where it was perched.  T didn't care.  He's more like a young child who is egocentric and thinks the world revolves around him at every given moment.  This behavior is really irritating.

But I go on, try to salvage what I can when I can and hope for better soon.

There are some processes in the works that will change my life for the better, and patience is the key to getting from A to B and coming out on the other end intact.  I'll make it.  Me and my camera and nature... all components in what I hope will be a success story.

Till next time....

Rain.

So after about 10 minutes of typing Blogger decides to crash.  Now, I don't mean a browser crash, I mean Blogger actually just crashed and burned and took everything I typed with it.  Okay then.  You don't have to nudge me twice.  Change of subject!  While there is more than my share of serious pain in my muscles and bones at the moment, I am able to be thankful for one lovely little blessing today that decided to perch right outside the window where I sat.  Luckily for me I had my camera.  While I still had to shoot through a screened window on a gloomy/cloudy day.... I was able to capture a few shots of a beautiful Gray Blue Gnatcatcher, one of the tiniest birds you'll ever see. And boy are they fast!  Still, window screen and bad lighting and the curtain getting in the way... it felt for a moment like Christmas.  What a gift.

But what about INSIDE the house, the life therein.  IF one can actually call this a "Life," that is.  Well, that's where things just continue on the same ole humdrum, or... same shit different day.  Hey, there are times when blunt is best.

There's hardly a day where I seem to be misstepping along my way to wherever this life is heading.  Today is not one of those days, and the missteps were many.  Not mistakes, per se, but more just giving over control of my life to some unseen force that seems hell-bent on making damn sure I don't reach my goal---like ever.  And before you roll your eyes, yes I know "I" am the only one who can affect change.  But change, success, decisions that affect one's life isn't make just by making a decision, because our histories ALWAYS dictate the majority of what we do.  Seriously, anyone who actually thinks that we wake up each morning with a blank slate is fooling themselves.  In fact, the ONLY blank slate we ever had is when we first exited our mother's womb, and in that moment, and that moment ONLY we had no writing on the pages of our lives.  And the very first thing our mom's did was the first sentence in the long chapter of our lives.

THAT is where our history is, and that is also what's brought us to where we are today.  Sure, there are arguments for hard work and determination that affected change in our own lives from our own initiative.  But really, this stuff was decided long ago.  What stuff, you ask?  The stuff that makes us who and what we are and how it filters everything we do, say, want, feel, and so on.

Yes yes.  I know.  Get to the point....

The point is simply that what little control I have on my life right now is a complex network of both recent and past experiences.  And... it's kicking my butt all over the place at the moment.

How do I regain control of things again?  Well, that is yet to be determined.

....To be continued.

The Bluff....

I've been spending most of my time of late behind the camera, and it's paid off in ways I couldn't even begin to explain.  In this beautiful corner of the world, the bluff, I CAN find solace, peace, comfort, joy, hope... and endless beauty.  It's taken some time, and I had to tear my focus away from that which plagues me and my life in order to reach this point, to connect with what fuels my soul and spirit.  It was easy.  It sucked and still does.  But the rewards are more than I could ever ask for.

My quiet time, my alone time is what allows me to free myself from the 'other stuff' that often threatens to destroy my health.. and me.  I've had more alone time than I think is healthy, but I was also not using that time correctly or to my advantage.  So much was wasted, but then.. why look back?  I have NOW, right?  And isn't that really all we ever have?  Right here, right NOW.  That's it, and banking on future, tomorrow, next week or next year or another lifetime is life completely wasted.

Reconnecting my soul and spirit with nature and all that is OUTSIDE of these walls is the only way I will survive.  Not that I haven't known this, but I don't have the strength to DO anything about my circumstances.  It's okay, though... today and every day is another beginning and another chance for change to happen and take hold.

Of course life isn't perfect, and there is still PLENTY going on outside of this spiritual respite I speak of.  The more creative side of me is just stirring and stretching as if awakened from a too-long sleep, and it's going to take a good long minute to get myself up to speed again.  The only thing that's lagging behind everything else going right is staying focused on my health, eating right, losing the rest of the stubborn prednisone weight.  Okay, okay... so I still have issues with the past relationship that caused so much damage that I'm STILL dealing with it to this day.  But I don't have to focus on that or even face it EVERY SINGLE day!  I deserve a break from the BS.  I just do.

In the meantime, especially on those glorious low-dewpoint days, I can look out onto the bluff, or even in my front yard... and remember who I am and what I'm connected to.  My life, like anyone else's, is PART of a bigger picture but isn't the entire canvas on which that picture is painted.  If one only stands there and looks at that 'big picture' as a whole then you'll only see a single blob that lacks depth and richness.  If you can't SEE the colorful, vibrant areas, or the deep, darker, shadowy hues of gray, the somber, the less colorful, the soothing blues from the invigorating reds and oranges.... if you can't see ALL the pieces that much up the whole.. then you're missing the point entirely, and I mean the point of LIFE.

For every candle burned there casts a shadow.  This is the way life is.

Yes, I deal with the darker parts of my history and experiences, and yes the damage does often dull the brighter experiences.  But not all of the time, and I don't always have to be in 'repair mode' to get through the day.

I won't always talk about heartache, illness, bad relationships and secrets best left unspoken.  And honestly, I've not even gotten to that last part yet.  So for those of you who wrote and texted me, those who said they were concerned that I may be 'burying' the 'issues.'  Rest assured--I am not.  They're there, but I don't have to give them all my time and attention and every waking moment of my life.

I do get and understand that when I talk of those experiences that they can help some of you.  And I never said I wasn't going to talk about it anymore.  More times than not, to be honest, I will be delving into the dark for those memories, the damaged part of my spirit that seeks healing.  Because I'm able to go a day or so without addressing those unpleasant memories, or the unpleasant present, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Every now and then, however, I just want to go a couple of days to not have to deal with that.

The bluff behind my house is teaming with abundance life, and as often as possible.. I simply want to take it all in and feel, see, and experience that part of the canvas as life splashes color, light, shadow, darkness and symmetry upon that fabric that every one of us is a part of.

For a while, I can look out into the bluff... and use my camera to capture those living details that make up this amazing masterpiece---life.

Till tomorrow....

A Little Visitor, and A Most Curious Cardinal.

It was a low dew point day today, and with little humidity it was easy to sit outside with my camera to wait for the butterflies.  A perfect breeze greeted me as I sat on the bench and watched.  What a wonderful surprise when a little female (or perhaps just young?) hummingbird arrived, took what she wanted from a cluster of flowers, then decided to perch for a while.  That's a rare treat indeed to have one simply... hang out.  :)  I was so excited that I missed a couple of shots.  My hands were trembling a little, I have to admit.  What a gift it was to see her.

For a short time I could forget how weak and painful I was, and the sadness that's usually a constant companion faded away, even if for a short time.  I was content to sit in the shade on this relatively perfect day to watch one of nature's most beautiful children enjoy herself among the flowers.  Even with the excitement I felt... there was also an uncharacteristic calm that settled within.  I was happy for a while.

Life tends to be a lot less complicated when I have my camera in my hands.  No one really understands who or what I am, and even fewer understand that which I truly love.  If I could only show them....

The image above is one interesting story played out right in front of my eyes.  The little thing that looks like a bee is not a bee at all but a "Hummingbird Moth."  They're interesting creatures, and apparently... the hummingbird thinks so too.  She watched as the HBM flew towards and past her, and she tracked its approach and passing.  She wasn't afraid that I could see at all but more.. curious.

The curious little hummingbird could be a young one, and maybe that could also explain the intense curiosity she had with the hummingbird moth.  This is something I've yet to investigate still.

She eventually flew from the cluster of blossoms to another, almost hiding herself in the foliage from camera view.  Thankfully, I know how to isolate a subject from its surroundings.  :)

She was intently curious, to be sure.  There was certainly a blessing in having been witness to this.

Some of nature's children are going through quite a change of late, with juvenile cardinals growing in new feathers, and the adult cardinals molting and looking more like tiny red and black vultures than cardinals.  I find them all beautiful... each and every one.

The below pic of a cardinal in molting stage was taken from indoors, through a window with a screen, and about 4ft from where I was sitting.  The window sill did get in the way a bit, but I didn't dare move or risk scaring her away.  She did see me, and likely because there is yet to be a 'silent shutter' on a camera.  She didn't worry too much and didn't leave right away.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but this cardinal (to me) is no less beautiful than the butterfly of which you cannot see inside the Chrysalis.  Plus, I just adore that one little red feather on her head. ;p

See her "feather eyebrows"?  Nature has an amazing way of protecting her children, and while it's not always perfect (as we all know), nature has given this little girl protection for her eyes from the sun.  And then again... there's that ONE little red feather on her head.  I just love her.

So it's been quite a day of varied experiences, with the good being enough to outweigh the bad.  These days I choose not to go down the road of what makes me miserable and, instead, reach out and embrace that which makes me glad I'm alive.

A day with my camera in-hand is a good day for me, and now that it's after midnight.. I'm off to bed, this time, smiling.

Till next time....