Overwhelmed.

Because it happens.  The minute a guy starts believing you'll pick up the pieces, dot all the i's and cross the t's... you're in deep shit.  The minute he figures out that he can just flip the switch to auto-pilot and leave the wrecking ball swinging, you're fucked.  The second he sees he can just sit back and half-ass his way through life, through YOUR life.... you'll be buried under a mountain of crap that you will never, EVER get away from.  At some point, something IS going to give.  And guess what?  That something... is YOU.

That is, unless you take your life back QUICKLY and before too much damage is done.

Oh, and there's something else I should mention.  This damage is cumulative.  That means that every relationship you've ever been in that was destructive to you in some way creates layer upon layer of dead weight that sits on your soul, your spirit, the very core of your being until one day it finally breaks you.  This is why protecting yourself is critical to your emotional, psychological and physical health.  Trust me.  I'm not kidding when I say it will break you.

This is where I've been and where I am today, right here and now.  Like others before him, T only does what he considers the absolute bare minimum, leaving the bulk of 'whatever it is' for me to handle, fix, augment, and any form of picking up the slack that exists.  One person simply cannot do it all when there are more than one person in the situation.  Well, I should say one more ADULT.  Kids are way WAY easier.  Grown men not interested in doing what needs to be done and doing it the right way.. not so much.

Fuck that.

I make no apologies for cursing at the moment.

Life has been beyond trying over the past couple of years, and it's gotten much MUCH worse of late. The last several years have been a fucking nightmare from beginning to end, with the exception of those few things that were solely and truly part of my own personal life.  In those moments when I was living MY life the way I was meant to live it, when all that I did, did not do, thought, dreamed, wished for, etc.... wasn't filtered through someone else... I knew joy, peace, and a freedom that renews the soul, mind and spirit.  This is how people are really meant to live, you know.  And it doesn't mean someone else can't be in their life, but it does mean that whoever is in their life shouldn't be controlling that other person nor pushing the weight of the entire relationship on that other person.

Carry your share of the damn load already!

I can't do the work of two people.  Life's work is what it is, but everyone has to carry their share.  Period.  Right now, I feel I'm carrying the load of several people, and it's getting to me in more ways than I could ever explain.  Everywhere I turn I'm doing damage control.

There's SO much to do, and it's pretty much left up to me.  I'm sick of it.  SICK.  OF.  IT.  Don't ask me what the solution is, because I've absolutely NO idea, and without any coping mechanisms in place, with the absence of any kind of support network coming up with solutions is pretty impossible.  All there is for me to look forward to is the overwhelming part, the shutting down part, and the stuck in inertia part.  That's it.  Oh, but it does take some time to get to that last part.

No time or room or breathing space to enjoy a single thing most of the time.  The moments of joy I do have are ultimately stolen from those things requiring my attention (because no one else is willing to do their part).

So today was meltdown day, at the end of my rope day, aka... hell day.  And there are just far too many of THOSE days lately.  The problems pile up and are left to me.  I can't keep up, and I can't catch up, and my body is giving out from the going, going, going, going, going to try to keep up with it all.

I've no idea what will be left of me by the end of this day.