My quiet time, my alone time is what allows me to free myself from the 'other stuff' that often threatens to destroy my health.. and me. I've had more alone time than I think is healthy, but I was also not using that time correctly or to my advantage. So much was wasted, but then.. why look back? I have NOW, right? And isn't that really all we ever have? Right here, right NOW. That's it, and banking on future, tomorrow, next week or next year or another lifetime is life completely wasted.
Reconnecting my soul and spirit with nature and all that is OUTSIDE of these walls is the only way I will survive. Not that I haven't known this, but I don't have the strength to DO anything about my circumstances. It's okay, though... today and every day is another beginning and another chance for change to happen and take hold.
Of course life isn't perfect, and there is still PLENTY going on outside of this spiritual respite I speak of. The more creative side of me is just stirring and stretching as if awakened from a too-long sleep, and it's going to take a good long minute to get myself up to speed again. The only thing that's lagging behind everything else going right is staying focused on my health, eating right, losing the rest of the stubborn prednisone weight. Okay, okay... so I still have issues with the past relationship that caused so much damage that I'm STILL dealing with it to this day. But I don't have to focus on that or even face it EVERY SINGLE day! I deserve a break from the BS. I just do.
In the meantime, especially on those glorious low-dewpoint days, I can look out onto the bluff, or even in my front yard... and remember who I am and what I'm connected to. My life, like anyone else's, is PART of a bigger picture but isn't the entire canvas on which that picture is painted. If one only stands there and looks at that 'big picture' as a whole then you'll only see a single blob that lacks depth and richness. If you can't SEE the colorful, vibrant areas, or the deep, darker, shadowy hues of gray, the somber, the less colorful, the soothing blues from the invigorating reds and oranges.... if you can't see ALL the pieces that much up the whole.. then you're missing the point entirely, and I mean the point of LIFE.
For every candle burned there casts a shadow. This is the way life is.
Yes, I deal with the darker parts of my history and experiences, and yes the damage does often dull the brighter experiences. But not all of the time, and I don't always have to be in 'repair mode' to get through the day.
I won't always talk about heartache, illness, bad relationships and secrets best left unspoken. And honestly, I've not even gotten to that last part yet. So for those of you who wrote and texted me, those who said they were concerned that I may be 'burying' the 'issues.' Rest assured--I am not. They're there, but I don't have to give them all my time and attention and every waking moment of my life.
I do get and understand that when I talk of those experiences that they can help some of you. And I never said I wasn't going to talk about it anymore. More times than not, to be honest, I will be delving into the dark for those memories, the damaged part of my spirit that seeks healing. Because I'm able to go a day or so without addressing those unpleasant memories, or the unpleasant present, doesn't mean they don't exist.
Every now and then, however, I just want to go a couple of days to not have to deal with that.
The bluff behind my house is teaming with abundance life, and as often as possible.. I simply want to take it all in and feel, see, and experience that part of the canvas as life splashes color, light, shadow, darkness and symmetry upon that fabric that every one of us is a part of.
For a while, I can look out into the bluff... and use my camera to capture those living details that make up this amazing masterpiece---life.
Till tomorrow....
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