Photography. Nature. Not necessarily in that order. Having the ability to lose myself in something beautiful, even if it means hard work. While the usual struggles remain I can still seek solace through the lens while watching some of nature's most interesting children go about their lives. My world may be small right now, but it's rich and vibrant with color and sound and LIFE. What more could I really ask for? Much, sadly.
Yes, it would be amazing to have the kind of relationship I had long long ago. The 'who' in that situation really doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that I did have that kind of relationship for a time, and even if it didn't work out I was able to live it, feel it, have it, and remember it. But is that 'enough'? Not really. But it's great that I had the experience.
How can it possibly be a bad thing to seek something better? The idea of wanting more, wanting a better quality life and experiences doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what I already have. Life, for good reason, just isn't that simple or cut and dried, and anyone who lives their life by the 'easiest route' is usually a very unhappy person, despite what face they put out there for others to see. Truest me, we see the real you.
For all the things that sustain me, the beauty, the color, the story behind what I see, there is much that still drains from me the very vitality that's instilled in me through the experiences I'm blessed to have. And those experiences, for the most part, are private. I simply don't share them.
Aside from blogging, which is pretty much the only place I share, any and all attempts in the past to share my passions, dreams, views, experiences, all that which inspires and excites me has all ended on a flat and somewhat out-of-key note, ruining the entire song. The decision to hold these experiences close, to protect them is what I do.
So I'm still here. Still breathing. Still hoping for a better life. I'm still here wanting a real relationship like the one from long, long ago. But in my heart of hearts I'm not entirely sure I believe that. I know, how silly, right? But it's true. I'm burned out on relationships and all their trappings and stressors and demands. My spirit needs recharging, replenishing, and a much sought after sabbatical from the daily grind of keeping up with people who don't get me. Been there, done that, and really don't want to do that again.
In the meantime and as my body and soul heals I look past this house and into the world surrounding me and see the face of nature. And it makes me smile. I mean TRULY smile from the inside out.
No comments:
Post a Comment