Rain.

So after about 10 minutes of typing Blogger decides to crash.  Now, I don't mean a browser crash, I mean Blogger actually just crashed and burned and took everything I typed with it.  Okay then.  You don't have to nudge me twice.  Change of subject!  While there is more than my share of serious pain in my muscles and bones at the moment, I am able to be thankful for one lovely little blessing today that decided to perch right outside the window where I sat.  Luckily for me I had my camera.  While I still had to shoot through a screened window on a gloomy/cloudy day.... I was able to capture a few shots of a beautiful Gray Blue Gnatcatcher, one of the tiniest birds you'll ever see. And boy are they fast!  Still, window screen and bad lighting and the curtain getting in the way... it felt for a moment like Christmas.  What a gift.

But what about INSIDE the house, the life therein.  IF one can actually call this a "Life," that is.  Well, that's where things just continue on the same ole humdrum, or... same shit different day.  Hey, there are times when blunt is best.

There's hardly a day where I seem to be misstepping along my way to wherever this life is heading.  Today is not one of those days, and the missteps were many.  Not mistakes, per se, but more just giving over control of my life to some unseen force that seems hell-bent on making damn sure I don't reach my goal---like ever.  And before you roll your eyes, yes I know "I" am the only one who can affect change.  But change, success, decisions that affect one's life isn't make just by making a decision, because our histories ALWAYS dictate the majority of what we do.  Seriously, anyone who actually thinks that we wake up each morning with a blank slate is fooling themselves.  In fact, the ONLY blank slate we ever had is when we first exited our mother's womb, and in that moment, and that moment ONLY we had no writing on the pages of our lives.  And the very first thing our mom's did was the first sentence in the long chapter of our lives.

THAT is where our history is, and that is also what's brought us to where we are today.  Sure, there are arguments for hard work and determination that affected change in our own lives from our own initiative.  But really, this stuff was decided long ago.  What stuff, you ask?  The stuff that makes us who and what we are and how it filters everything we do, say, want, feel, and so on.

Yes yes.  I know.  Get to the point....

The point is simply that what little control I have on my life right now is a complex network of both recent and past experiences.  And... it's kicking my butt all over the place at the moment.

How do I regain control of things again?  Well, that is yet to be determined.

....To be continued.