Write. Read. Delete. Repeat.

Such is the case in this blog and always has been.  This is the place where I have exposed my heart of hearts, my spirt, and my soul.  When I dare to be blunt about the thoughts in my head or the feelings I have those entries here are often deleted.  Not always, but sometimes.  I guess you might wonder why that is.  I suppose if you reach for something and get your hand slapped enough times.. you stop reaching; at least that's what I did.

Pouring my heart out used to be easy for me.  With all my emotions on my sleeve (most of the time) I was an open book.  Hiding my emotions wasn't something I did across the board but under the proper circumstances, and with utmost care.  However, one of the relationships I was in taught me to mistrust, to close and lock-down my feelings to where I no longer felt safe expressing them.  Eventually, I would learn to not allow anyone to even know I had blogs, much less give them the url's so they could read them.

Mistrust is quite powerful.

I long to be that open and trusting again, and perhaps I will get there if I keep trying.  In the meantime I hold back, and I hold back a lot.  There's so much to say and share here, but I have to UN-LEARN a learned behavior, and I've not yet figured out just how to do that.

In a perfect world I could pour all of my experiences, thoughts, dreams, wishes, rants and ravings upon these virtual pages and go on about my business.  In a perfect world.

I'm going to find a way to fix this...