Perseverance is Determination on Crack.

On occasion I'm reminded of just how little my mind is okay with what's happening in my life.  Sometimes it reminds me that those things I can't do at the moment are weighing heavily, and so heavily that I'm struggling to maintain on a daily basis.  While I understand that this won't be forever, my being so damn limited, it's still wreaking havoc in my waking hours, as well as in my sleep.  How to get past this and find peace is going to be a process, and one that will require much patience on my part.  And oh, but I don't have much patience these days.

I'm not willing at the moment to go into details, and mostly because I just don't have the energy for explaining everything.  All I know is that my physical limitations right now are driving me crazy, anchoring me to this house, and preventing me from ACTUAL living.  I can't engage in anything these days and have become mostly a non-participant in my own life.  How the hell is that going to work as I wait out the too-slow process of 'normalizing' my health?

Perseverance is determination on crack.

I fuel the fire with caffein in the morning, then take to my bed when my body can no longer handle sitting upright for any reason.  My days are measured and sliced by how many times I have to lay down in order to get back up.  Yeah, you heard that right.  If I do even one small task that requires the most minimal of effort I'm wiped, totally wiped of energy, stamina, and I'm laid out for a few minutes---to hours.  I never know what I'll end up with, energy-wise, strength-wise until I'm done doing whatever it is I need to do.  Oh, and those tasks that drain me... they often consist of just walking from one room to another.

Now, I will say that I believe a lot of this is because I'm coming off prednisone and at a relatively fast rate.  The damage of being ON the stuff has concerned my liver specialist, so he wants me off asap.  This happens with consequences.  The immunosuppressant I'm on... Aza (aka Imuran/Azathioprine).. is on board enough now where it should be helping me come off the prednisone with few side effects.  Problem is, I'm sensitive to medications, always have been, and I tend to get most of the side effects.  yay me. NOT.  It is what it is.  Either way, I'm trying my best to persevere and not give up, despite the side effects and discomfort and depression.

I'm trying....