Really?

It's been a confusing and unsettling series of events over the past several months.  Health issues overlapping relationship issues are taking tolls on me that I'm having difficulty keeping up with.  Damage control has become the name of the game each and every day, and I must say...this is NOT how 'life' is meant to be lived.  This.. is not living at all.

Living life.  Isn't this supposed to be something that comes naturally?  I mean, as ridiculous as it is to even say out loud, I still feel like this is the big question of the day.  After posting in Where Fireflies Dream I feel like I got some debris out of the way and am able to really touch on what it is I need.  Not that I didn't know what those things were, because I did... do.  It's just that I wouldn't allow myself to really think about those things for more than a few seconds, because dwelling on them (imho) didn't seem like the productive thing to do under the circumstances.  Know what I mean?

Stating the obvious to affect change largely doesn't work.  Well, actually... I've found it doesn't work at all.  So what then?  What now?  How do I proceed to correct the imbalance in my life so I can FEEL ALIVE, have an actual life, and also breathe.. thrive.. and reignite the vibrant flame that once burned inside me?  And just how do I go about doing this when I feel like shit all of the time?

Tomorrow I see the GI specialist again to figure out, I assume, what to do about my unhappy liver.  I don't drink, smoke, and I don't take but the most necessary medications.  And... I avoid Tylenol now like the plague.  I don't know what he will say tomorrow.  I have no idea if he still wants to proceed with a liver biopsy--something that is avoided if possible.

Damn.  I'm too tired to continue here.  Perhaps I'll come back a bit later.  WTF.  *sigh*