Does knowing help?

So I've really unloaded on one of my alter ego blogs, if you guys are interested in reading.  It's on Where Fireflies Dream.  All the info regarding my appt with the specialist yesterday, findings, etc., etc., and even a bit of an unloading of things on a personal side of things.  I'm not sure what I'll have left for ATE, but I will try.  Forgive me if it all comes out more as musings than actual accounts of what transpired yesterday--all of that has been purged to the other blog.

I feel a bit like I'm standing on a cliff over a wide expanse of beach and ocean.  No.  Not really.  That's simply my desire.  Where I actually am is in a vast and vacant desert of which no life can sustain.  It's temporary and will last about as long as it takes to process the information I received from the doctor yesterday.  Though, being scared at the moment is hard to shake, I'll admit fully.  I mean, how can you just receive news like that and not be affected?  I'm shaken, and that will likely pass in time.

I'm waiting at the moment for yet more blood work results that will, or will not, or suggest, etc. if one of the major things I'm dealing with is Myositis/Polymyositis.  I'm praying that will NOT be the case, that my Aldolase is significantly elevated for another reason, that the unbelievable muscle weakness I have is due to something else entirely, that all these awful symptoms will be explained away easily and be the effects of something else entirely.  Hell, at least if it's autoimmune hepatitis it can be managed, and worse case scenario... a transplant is needed if it's gone on too long and did too much damage.  Hell, at this point there's nothing in my blood work to show there's liver 'damage,' just the implication that the liver is in terrible distress for some reason.  But Myositis/Polymyositis... a much more bleak scenario.  Then there's the great possibility of an ulcer...

I have an endoscopy and another colonoscopy scheduled in 4 weeks, and a liver biopsy may be needed (yet to be determined).

This is what I have to work through, and do so alone.  No siblings or relatives I can talk to, get encouragement from, no one to make happy memories with really (that's explained more fully on Where Fireflies Dream.. alter ego blog links are in the side menu).

So what now? What do I do, where do I start, how do I not lose it a little bit until I can wrap my head around what may be happening, what my doctor is convinced is happening?  How do I do this alone and in a city where I still don't know anyone?

Feeling poorly so have to sign off and find some happy thing to focus on, watch something on the boob tube that will make me laugh.  Damn, wish I just had someone, a friend, who knows me well and that I can talk to...

Until next time...