In the end... it doesn't even matter.

On the most haunted days I know it does.  It's always mattered.

A Whirlwind of Bullshit

Juvenile Ruby-Throated Hummingbird Scratching an itch, Summer 2018

Long lags between blog entries, and most of you know that normally means a flare up.  Living with SLE and Sjogren's is just what it is, and there's really no reason to fight against something that does have the ultimate control.  The only REAL control is how we react to the symptoms and resulting halts to those parts of life we relish.  So why is it that being sick brings back the worst of memories, worse than being sick itself, but of one making me feel like shit for being sick in the first place.  All words and silences leading to "I don't love you when you're sick, and your illness impedes on my happy time."  In what universe is this even normal?

In the universe of the chronically self-centered NOT being the center of the universe isn't tolerated one bit, and how DARE anyone be sick, unhappy, sad, depressed, worried or anxious in their presence.  Like self-declared royalty, malignant narcissists banish and punish those from their lives at a whim for the one, horrid crime of.... simply being human.  Yes, how DARE we be human!  Thing is, long-term abuses such as this have long-lasting effects, and ones that don't go away.  Can the effects be minimized?  Somewhat, yes.  But they will never be gone, and there is no actual "Cure" for PTSD.  Oh wait.  Did I just say PTSD? Yep, and it's the experts who explain it best.  Either way, wether we accept that our reactions to things are based on those traumatic experiences it doesn't change the fact that it's, well fact.  "Face it kiddo... that guy did a real number on you."

The results: feeling bad, guilty, less-than, ashamed, small and diminished, like a piece of shit... because I'm sick.  The is just a fact.  One not-so-simply-explained fact that I will have to live with the rest of my life, because I made a grave mistake of not seeing the warning signs early enough to stop myself from walking right into the flames.  The scars, though on the inside, are permanent now, and the guilt, shame and the rest are always there, forcing me to press on no matter how sick I am or why, pushing myself to the point where I nearly end up in the hospital.  Even though I recognize what's happening, I still can't seem to stop it.

If you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist... GET OUT NOW!  If you've been in one and are now out but experiencing trauma from the experience... get help now!

I'm out.  Still sick but recovering.

Be well, everyone....

When someone asks for help but refuses help

It's time to be blunt.  After a time even I can recognize sugar-coated shit as, well, shit.  Recently I've been handed a silver platter filled with sugar-coated shit, and I have to say I'm not at all tolerant of it this time around.  I mean, seriously.  Passive/aggressive is STILL fucking aggressive, and those who partake in that bullshit are total ASSHOLES, or BITCHES as the case may be.  How's that for not sugar-coating things?!

Freaking don't ask for my help and then make it impossible for me to help!  FUCK!

Yep.  I'm pissed, and I don't give a damn who knows it, or who likes it or not.  I don't have time in my life for lame-ass games.  You're NOT that important, and you don't own me.  If I VOLUNTEER to help you, don't shit on me in the process and make it sound as if you've done me a favor!  It's the other way around.  Bitch!

By now I'm sure you see why I usually cool off before speaking my mind.  Thing is, I often end up not saying a damn thing if I wait too long, mostly because I've found over the last couple of relationships and all they had to TEACH me... that NO ONE is worth burning out your energy just to make them happy or feel powerful.  SCREW THAT and anyone who tries to do that to me.

This shit is a whole lot like giving someone a key to your house because you asked them to clean it for you while you're away (for FREE), then taking the key back on day 1 because your freaking vacuum wouldn't work.  And no, the isn't the scenario I speak of, but due to the nature of the situation I can't be blunt about the details to that extent.  But honestly, this is a whole lot of control freak crap, and I've had enough of that shit to last me two lifetimes.  NO.  THANK.  YOU!

Where is the appreciation?  Where is the small amount of humility that renders being grateful a genuine feeling?  Since WHEN is it customary to play childish power games with someone YOU asked for help?

I can only say the help that was asked for was online, requiring I give up a good portion of my free time on a daily basis to HELP, and it comes with no compensation.  I don't require or ask for compensation and know it's on a volunteer basis.  Yet still.... can you fucking not treat me with respect while I'm doing what YOU asked and what YOU need?

OMG WTF?  Seriously.

It's not my fault that a web site isn't functioning properly so I can do what you ask.  It's not my business to fix what is outside of my control.  It's YOUR situation, and I'm only ONE person who has no power to change the technical issues YOU are having.

Some days, I swear, I just think I'm sick of doing things for people because of the lame bullshit I get in return.  WHERE in any of this is it worth me wasting my time... just so you can play power trip queen and make it impossible for me to actually do anything.

So you've got the key to the house, know your vacuum is fucked, and you're asking ME to let you know when my 'problem is solved'??  The problem is YOU!

UGH!!!!!

Secrets From A House On A Bluff....

Living in a house on a bluff means seeing and hearing some of nature's most fascinating children.  These are just some of their stories.

2018. Winter, Spring, early Fall.

So many photos, many taken through a window with bird screen.  But the memories are there, which is the most important thing of all.

Nothing vs Something. It's never as easy as that.

It's been a long and trying road going from most of my life without health insurance to having good health insurance.  While I waited and prayed for answers to what was wrong with me, when the answers began showing themselves it seems to be more a tidal wave of information, rather than simple enlightenment.  I'm reeling a bit from it all and processing the information as it arrives.  Still, there's just so much information, as well as unanswered questions, that the weight of it all leaves me numb.  The lack of a support network makes this process, this experience... trying all the more.  All I can do is continue.  What else is there?

I'm scheduled for a fine needle aspiration biopsy next week, as it seems the 'benign' thyroid cyst I had a couple years ago is now a large, solid, hypervascular lesion/mass that now requires a biopsy to rule out cancer.  This mass can now be felt and seen, so something has definitely changed.  Not sure if it's the cyst that transformed into this hardened mass for some reason, or a completely new thing.  That's always fun, right?

Then there's the waiting for my follow-up with my pulmonologist to go over the CT w/contrast results for the possible PAVM.  out of the two scenarios this is the one I really don't like at all.  Hopefully the results are that it's NOT a PAVM.  The radiologist's report listed the large thyroid mass first, rather than the lesion in my lung.  Maybe because the thyroid mass was more concerning.  We'll see.  And all of this is really only a backdrop to the everyday occurrences that truly make life an annoying endeavor.  Honestly.  Some people do tend to be so absent and indifferent, and I wonder why I would keep anyone in my life who wasn't really there to begin with.  Ah, but this is also history repeating itself, isn't it?

It absolutely is.

Inevitably I'm brought back to reviewing past mistakes, especially the more recent ones, and looking for understanding as to why I've allowed people to do so much damage to me along the way, why I didn't have my own back and protect myself, why I extended so many forgivenesses to those who really didn't deserve them.  One thing I can say about T is that what he's doing, for the most part, is really just coasting along on autopilot, rather than being an active participant in this life we're sharing.  In so many ways I believe my having gone through as much as I have the last several years has left me somewhat changed, and though there may be a lack of permanence to these changes, they're still there, holding fast.

Specifically, what does it say about a person who turns an indifferent ear to another's pain?  When someone reaches out and your response is indifference or lame ass platitudes, what does that say about you?  Callous, is one word that comes to mind.  Selfish, is yet another.  Selfish, because that sort of behavior is fully self-preserving, not wanting to burst your happy little bubble by submitting yourself to someone else's pain and need for friendship, understanding, encouragement, comfort.  I can't say T is doing all of those things, but indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

Indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

I've experienced that in the last relationship, him offering the worst behavior and the worst times, actions and words often peppered with a heavy dose of passive-aggressive cowardice.  Oh, and I have pics of him doing it.  You see, it's easy to take pics of someone when they're in full-blown drama mode and doing everything in their power to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I'll never forget the incidence, the place, the experience, the cruelty, and the nightmare of a drive back to my apartment.  Things like this tend to stick to you once exposed.  Forgetting is one thing, letting it go another.  So far.. I'm unable to do both, and probably because I literally should've told him that very day to go fuck himself.

It's a battle for me now, opening up to anyone.  While I was never an in-your-face type with sharing or talking about personal issues and experiences (still am not), it got so much worse due to my previous 'relationship' (using that word loosely).  I learned to not trust, to not believe my eyes, my ears, my instincts.  Yes, I'm working on repairing all of that, but I may very well need help to accomplish my goal.  Getting back to myself again has been years in the works now.  If I'd only known then what I know now I would've run like the devil was at my heels.

Feeling like crap, so I'm out for now.

Till next time.....

Few & Far Between

August 2018:  Size doesn't always matter.  Juvenile male Ruby-Throated Hummingbird chooses, not the most colorful or larger flower, but the one that bears what he needs to survive.

Such is the case with just about everything these days, constantly in the 'hurry up and wait' mode while both bored and anxious at the same time.  Life is what it is, as I've said a thousand times before.  Roll with it, fight against it, or just accept it.  Who says we have to choose just one way to deal with that which we can hardly deal with?  I'm doing things my way, despite anyone's opinion.  My health sucks, and I feel like shit.  I don't need anyone's permission to feel anything at all.

My choices aren't always the best, and the 'good feeling' that comes from making the right choices are actually few & far between.  Having had my head messed with (to put it MILDLY) for most of my life by people I trusted, and most often those I loved, has left those invisible scars that are, for the most part, the only things holding me together now.  I've never claimed to be perfect.  I do believe I'm being careful, thinking it all out, being reasonable, and deciding on the right choice given when I have to go on at the time.  Yes, I do believe that.  Many times in the last few years I've been SO wrong.  Dealing with the aftermath of said choices sucks beyond reason, and those experiences also leave scares of their own, and ones I really don't know how to function with in the everyday world.

I feel mostly as if I'm not functioning at all.

My world exists in that one mode, the 'few and far between' events that mark anything good or joyful in my life.  Everything comes with a price, and T works very hard (though he won't admit it) to make sure, ALWAYS make sure that I know what the price is.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Having the minutia raining over me constantly is enough to break my give-a-shitter beyond repair.  Somehow, I always find my way back to giving a crap again, but damned if I don't know HOW I manage to do that.  Maybe it's just pure, old-fashioned will.

Bring me the happy events, the joy-filled moments without some ass-hat (male or female) coming along to fuck it all up.  Is that really too much to ask?  Give me a damn minute to breathe every day, not just on occasion when I manage to steal a bit of time for myself where I'm not having to deal with whatever was dumped on me that day.

Any single thing I've done, or experienced, etc. has had something nasty and negative attached to it, again... via T.  He can't be happy for me on any level, and even if it's just something simple.  So much questioning, so much complaining, that barely hidden look of disapproval.

It just makes me tired, you know?  Spending my time being sick and painful, lonely and so freaking lost that I have no idea where my life is going or who the hell I am... is too much most days.

Dammit.

I need those little things in life, the ones I need to survive.  Who's listening?

Till next time......

I am...

July 2018:  Juvenile male Ruby Throated Hummingbird eagerly approaching the Ember's Wish Salvias planted just for him, and all of these garden jewels.

In the throes of indifference, mainly that from another..rather than from oneself, is a state of 'being' that isn't really being at all.  My mom always said there is a vast difference between 'living' and 'existing.'  But where in all things 'life' does 'being' even come in?  Everyone talks about 'being,' writes poems, screenplays, books... about 'being.'  But what the hell is it exactly?

Who the hell cares, though, right?

Only in the current context of my life does it really matter, at least to me.  T's indifference is so thick and heady, oppressive in just about every way, that I question sometimes if I'm actually here or not.  No, not in the literal sense, but... more like questioning everything I am, who I am.  That's pretty significant, no matter who you are.  In those too-dark minutes during the night, this is when we're visited by reality, and one that rarely shuts up no matter what we do to silence that truthful voice.  In some ways it's necessary, needed, but in others that much sought after bliss of ignorance skirts the edges of what we want, and what we know.  Understand?

More than anything I want to be done with it all, sick of the ridiculous and crappy 'surprises' that comes with trusting men to do the right thing.  DISCLAIMER:  I know ALL men aren't bad, lazy, arrogant, ego-driven or self-centered (to list just a few traits).  But in my experience it's been way more times than not.

My life is in limbo.  Again.  Freaking again!  Why the hell do I even bother to trust what T (or any other dude that's been in my life)?  Rhetorical question.  Yet still, I do wonder why I've not learned to be SKEPTICAL.  A bit of skepticism would've done me great favors throughout my life.  But hell no, "I" had to trust blindly.  My bad!

The end result of all these lovely experiences (sarcasm) is that I now, at this late date, DO NOT trust. Aside from my sons (all good men with kind hearts), what's the point in trusting outside of the ones I know that well?  I don't see any up-side to it at all.

I am me.  I like what I like, dislike what I dislike, and I've finally arrived to a place in my life where I won't ever compromise myself for yet another selfish, egotistical, BLIND fool who thinks he can simply regard the fact that I 'am.'  Indifference is an UGLY trait in any person, no matter who you are, what you have, what you look like or claim to be.  It's UGLY, and it's far more poisonous than hate will ever be.

Ah, screw it.  I'm done thinking of this for the day.  Maybe, just maybe.. tomorrow I'll live.

Indifference--the death of connection, respect, and eventually... love.

A very hot day for this young cardinal going through his first molt.  With several bird baths to choose from, all of nature's beautiful children can find food, shade, water, and a bath when most needed.  With heat index temperatures reaching 103+ ... how could I not offer something as simply as clean water for them?  It's the least I can do.

Let me begin by saying.. I'm going to completely avoid discussing the worst of my disappointments from today, as reliving them yet another moment is beyond what I can physically and emotionally handle at the moment.  It's not that I'm avoiding the topic as much as I'm allowing myself time to think, assess, and find my strength to deal with it another day.  This is in direct contrast to the way I usually deal with important and/or life-altering information that demands, well, addressing.  So be it. This time I'm doing it my way.

Functioning in a one-sided relationship isn't something I've not experienced before (duh), and most of us have been there, done that, right?  But experience certainly doesn't do a damn thing to make this any easier, dealing with an indifferent and emotionally-lazy guy.  I guess I'm surprised at how many "Grown" men are still this selfish, this childish, where simply floating along in one's life without regard to anyone else in it seems, well, second nature.  Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

Seriously, there's NOTHING about a man-child that's sexy.  Nothing at all.

Oh, but I can hear the 'buts' even now.  'Oh, but I work and hold a job!"  Um, there are young kids who do yard work, deliver newspapers (not so much these days though), and do other odd jobs on a regular basis.  So tell me how having a job defines you as being a 'man'?  And yes, I'm using the word "You" loosely here.  But trust me... if this strikes a nerve, then... as they say.. if the shoe fits, Cinderella.

But I digress...

I suppose not everyone has the same criteria for what a 'man' actually is.  But then... that's not what this entry is about anyway.  No sense in focusing on the differences in my definition and anyone else's, because we're all smart enough to understand what it is I'm talking about.  Either way, today was riddled by man-child-isms from beginning to end.  I'm at my wits end dealing with this crap, for sure.

Oh, but he's not a narcissist like the other guy!  True.  Still, that doesn't mean his behavior is respectful, compassionate, or even loving.  One doesn't have to be a monster to do harm to another, and failing to hear, understand and avoid certain disrespectful and hurtful behaviors doesn't cost a dime nor burn a single calorie.  It's not rocket science.

At the end of the day it comes down to a few simple truths, ones that you can either look at, acknowledge and sleep easy, or ones that you may have known weren't kind or respectful or caring but didn't care that they were, opting for the easiest thing that takes little to no effort.  Guess which T chose?  So now it really is the end of the day, and I'm sitting here in the dark writing a blog entry and wondering why the hell he just simply wanted to go take a nap while I sat here in tears.  Oh, he offered a split second platitude, but it had nothing behind it whatsoever.  What he really wanted was to just go chill, lay down, play on Facebook, and nap.

Whatever.

So where does that leave me?  Isn't this the usual question after all the bullshit?  Well, where it leaves me is feeling more and more like it's once again time to take my life back, to actually LIVE despite what some dude wants.  I don't need permission to go about the business of my life.

More later.....

The Frightening Truth: Pathological Narcissists Groom Victims Like Child...

How the Narcissist Uses The Silent Treatment to CONTROL YOU

SIGNS THAT HE'S A NARCISSIST!