A Whirlwind of Bullshit

Juvenile Ruby-Throated Hummingbird Scratching an itch, Summer 2018

Long lags between blog entries, and most of you know that normally means a flare up.  Living with SLE and Sjogren's is just what it is, and there's really no reason to fight against something that does have the ultimate control.  The only REAL control is how we react to the symptoms and resulting halts to those parts of life we relish.  So why is it that being sick brings back the worst of memories, worse than being sick itself, but of one making me feel like shit for being sick in the first place.  All words and silences leading to "I don't love you when you're sick, and your illness impedes on my happy time."  In what universe is this even normal?

In the universe of the chronically self-centered NOT being the center of the universe isn't tolerated one bit, and how DARE anyone be sick, unhappy, sad, depressed, worried or anxious in their presence.  Like self-declared royalty, malignant narcissists banish and punish those from their lives at a whim for the one, horrid crime of.... simply being human.  Yes, how DARE we be human!  Thing is, long-term abuses such as this have long-lasting effects, and ones that don't go away.  Can the effects be minimized?  Somewhat, yes.  But they will never be gone, and there is no actual "Cure" for PTSD.  Oh wait.  Did I just say PTSD? Yep, and it's the experts who explain it best.  Either way, wether we accept that our reactions to things are based on those traumatic experiences it doesn't change the fact that it's, well fact.  "Face it kiddo... that guy did a real number on you."

The results: feeling bad, guilty, less-than, ashamed, small and diminished, like a piece of shit... because I'm sick.  The is just a fact.  One not-so-simply-explained fact that I will have to live with the rest of my life, because I made a grave mistake of not seeing the warning signs early enough to stop myself from walking right into the flames.  The scars, though on the inside, are permanent now, and the guilt, shame and the rest are always there, forcing me to press on no matter how sick I am or why, pushing myself to the point where I nearly end up in the hospital.  Even though I recognize what's happening, I still can't seem to stop it.

If you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist... GET OUT NOW!  If you've been in one and are now out but experiencing trauma from the experience... get help now!

I'm out.  Still sick but recovering.

Be well, everyone....