If not reciprocity, then what... adventure? Part 1

So where will I take this next adventure and when?  I can hold my own for a bit, I'm sure.  Hell, I've done it this long, why not a while longer?  My adventurous side is banging on the walls, wanting out to play anyway.

I feel a little tired after spilling my guts on Where Fireflies Dream, so I'm left a little thin on my visit here.  Yet, I still feel something tugging inside to be set free, just the same.  What the hell is it, I wonder?

Maybe I should watch a movie and forget my own thoughts for awhile, last night's fiasco included.  I would have rather called someone and talked last night, rather than surfed the web on my phone in the dark... but who?  Oh well.

I need to go outside for a few, put this dying laptop on a charger and let go for a little while.

Where the hell is my phone?

Midnight, Music, Musings Part 2

Part 1 is on my Where Fireflies Dreams blog, in case you're wondering...

12:13am. Not sleeping. Headphones on. Music playing.  Restless.  Not quite sure what I will say from one minute to the next, to tell you the truth.  Welcoming the wonder in my life and watch what happens. 

I'm no longer putting the boundaries around anything anymore. The rules don't apply anymore. The rules suck and only benefit some while harming others.

I am reconnecting with those things that lift me, that fill me, sustain me. I feel what it is I need in my life.  Why wouldn't I want to allow that in and be carried away with something so powerful?

I can totally get into this journey.  It will be baby steps..but they're still steps. And I will take them one by one until I'm running....

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Restoration. Home. Life. Spirit.

So here I am.  Getting ready to do a little research on the choices for the restoration on the master bath in the new house.  Most has been chosen, but the shower tile, floor tile, tile above the vanity... 2/3 of the walls... working on that, though they're mostly chosen.. is next.  Paint, what little will be in there has been chosen.  Vanity, chosen (with marble top).  Fixtures, chosen.  It's been fun, and I'm ready for it all to be completed and ready for us to move in.  There's still the sunroom to be finished, the deck to be cleaned and re-stained, all the indoor doorknobs replaced with antique bronze, and possibly french doors replacing the entryway doors leading to the living room.  But I think we're just about there once the master bath is done and the master bedroom and hallway wood flooring put in (out with the carpeting in that area!).

A bit on the tired side today.  We've scoured a lot of stores and resources online looking for the right color tile and shape, etc. for the bathroom... and well, I'm ready for a little down-time for my brain. lol  But.. just a little more and I'll be done.  Just a little more.

Oh... and we walked into Lowe's the other day and right into the best deal ever!  They had a few outdoor grills on clearance and we bought one of the last 3!  Regular price was a little over $560.00 (can't remember the exact amount) and we paid $164.00 !!!  Helluva deal!! ;D

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The hum of that engine, or the sound of the whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

House closing done... so now what?

It's a good thing, this move.  Out of the city, into a better neighborhood with less traffic, noise, BS.  And one's expectations must be realistic, so I'm told.  No neighborhood is perfect.  All over the world people have to deal with neighbors, wandering pets and/or barking dogs, etc., etc.  But this is going to be SOOOOO much more peaceful.

But what about my LIFE?  How exactly do I bring more peace into my LIFE as a whole?

I can figure this out, but I'm far to isolated here in this part of Alabama.  And I thought I was isolated in Mobile!  This is a whole new level of isolation.  I'm in another world here.

There is something missing here.  I can't put my finger on it exactly.  But something.   If I weren't so tired today I would write more about it.  Or maybe I've just not sorted it all out in my mind just yet.  I don't know, really.  I can't talk to my BF.  After her stroke in 2013 she can't handle any heavy talk at all, and her conversations must be kept very short and simple.  I'm left blogging this information and, frankly, that's just not enough.  Most likely because I don't really get to the point when it comes to the really sticky stuff.

I should.  But I don't.  At least not yet.  And I've come SO close to doing that a few times.  I can be such a coward with talking about the important stuff here these days.  Used to be that I would just let it all out, let it sit a bit... then, after a while just delete it if it were too personal.

I've no idea what I'm talking about right now...

It's not something you feel. It's something you DO.

Love.

I listen to the stories of others and feel their confusion.  Their pain.  Their bewilderment.  The despair threaded through the last decaying blooms of hope.  And I recognize so much of what they're going through.  I'm powerless to help, but I can listen, and I can tell them what I learned.

When it happens to someone close, a family member, someone going through health issues, it's 100 times more heartbreaking.  And my fierce protectiveness rises up and I feel like a protective warrior willing to take the pain, the wounds, every emotional hit and bleed until I'm spent.  But it never really happens like that, does it?  Dammit.  But I would.  Oh, but I would.

I see the signs and recognize the hateful phrases and hurtful behaviors in her.  I'm glad he's tough, and I'm glad to see his self-esteem isn't trashed like mine was, and still is in many ways.  I raised my sons to be strong inside, yet gentle and kind, respectful.  I suppose those are the ones who end up getting the worst of it sometimes.

I don't get in the middle of their marriage and never will.  It's not my place.  I don't treat her badly, because that's wrong.  But if she abuses him further.. I won't remain quiet for much longer.  I keep my peace for his sake.  High blood pressure and an ulcer at such a young age is telling, and the erratic, crazy behavior, the uncaring attitude she displays... isn't going to bode well for her.

I did warn him to day to protect his health and his life, because this is not the same thing as taking a bullet to save your child or loved one.  You simply don't risk a heart attack or stroke or bleeding ulcer (or worse if it doesn't heal!) by staying with someone who isn't on board with your getting healthy!

He said she gets angry if his stomach is painful and he chooses not to go out do something she wants to do.  She gets angry because he has to eat a low-sodium diet and doesn't eat pizza or something else that will harm his health.  When he does things to take care of his health, when he chooses to eat right, not eat or drink things that will harm his health... she gets angry and tells him.. "It's always about you!"  I mean, what the actual hell??!!

And... she's taken to yelling at him for, of all things, paying his child support!

One of his friends works on a pipeline and is possibly being promoted soon.  If that happens, he will be putting a crew together, and he stated my son would be perfect for his crew.  This would mean traveling for work for my son.

I hope my son gets this job.

Well, tomorrow is it...

The house closing is tomorrow and...I'm super excited to be moving out of the city.  It's busy here, and I guess I've grown far to used to the serenity of the neighborhood I lived in while in Mobile, AL. I miss that neighborhood so much, having lived there about 10 years.  Hopefully this little private drive will be just as peaceful.  No through traffic, one way in/out... and not that many houses.  And, the house sits on a bluff.  No, I'm not bluffing.

In the summertime it's covered in kudzu... something that I believe is taking over the south (lol), and in the Winter... it withers and opens up the view even more.  Basically, the landscaped backyard comes to a halt at one point, and needless to say.. it's not a place you want to wander out drunk, especially in the dark! lol  I wouldn't advise wandering out there in the dark sober either. haha  That's one SERIOUS drop, folks! ;p

The deck will be refinished over the next few weeks, as the paint and a few other things get done.  But I honestly can't wait to get hold of that sunroom!!!!  That will be a topic for another day.

This is one of the back corners of the 'back yard' as far as one can take a photo without falling off into that abyss. lol (again, just a photo from the listing). going to be my oasis, my place where all the decompression happens.

And I love the way the deck wraps around the sunroom so that there's a little deck on one side, and a larger deck on the other side (showing in the photo to the left.

I'm loving this already. :)

Last but not least... the bedroom set for the master bedroom was ordered this past weekend. :D  Headboard/footboard, dresser w/mirror, 2 nightstands, and 2 lamps you see in the photo.  Already have the contractor trying to match the paint on the walls in the photo, and I've been looking for the 'natural' look curtains....  yeah, I'm somewhat trying to recreate this room.  Almost.  Almost. :)

And my bedroom set, also pretty but in dark wood.. will go in one of the other two bedrooms. Most likely the one that will be my workspace/office/art/photography room.  We have to have places for family to sleep when they come to visit, so now we will have beds in all 3 rooms.  Yay!

What's not showing here is the view from the breakfast nook (from the back of the house), and the master bedroom.. also at the back of the house.  Unbeatable.  As they say... location, location, location!  There were other houses.. often placed in crowded neighborhoods or on barren, stripped lots.  Oh they were GORGEOUS inside with new everything, etc...  but when you walk outside... barren suburbia.

My thinking on things like this is simple---there are things you can change, and things you can't change.  You can make your house look like a palace, but if you build it in the middle of a landfill... it doesn't much matter if it's a palace.

No matter what house was seen, walked through, oooohed and awed at... it always came back to this one house.  It was difficult to forget the view, the privacy, the way the front yard was outlined in trees all the way to the driveway so that it is literally secluded.

Well, it's difficult to put into words, and most houses aren't at their best in the Winter with all the trees stripped of leaves, the shrubs appearing like nothing more but twigs and woody bones, the grass a pallid yellow.  I guess you just have to see its potential through something other than just your eyes.  And of course, photos from another season certainly helps. ;)

Such erratic behavior!!!

Nothing to worry about.  Just uncomfortable.  VERY uncomfortable.  And I'm hoping it will be also short-lived, though I supposed there is a better way to word that given what the issue is.  The feeling of my heart speeding up out of nowhere and staying elevated.  The erratic beats and resulting anxiety, that isn't emotional but physical in nature, and it waking me up, and keeping me up at night.  The weird pressure in my throat...  all I could very well do without.  It's what's kept me absent from here for a few days (for the most part).

It's the salt, I think.  Having given it up for the most part, except for the occasional smidge added here  and there in a salad or something prior to this (except during juicing), I've maintained a low-sodium diet.  But.. I fell off the rails on that over the past couple of weeks, and REALLY derailed completely over the past week.  Yeah.  Not one of my brighter moves.

Still hurts, though.  Not bad.  Just so uncomfortable.  At least it's not lasting, these episodes.  They come and go.  Not terribly persistent, except they've been happening now for a couple of days.  I'm worn out.  Thought I was done with this brand of fatigue.  Body feels heavy, a little dizzy, arms aching... that sort of thing.  I'll get through it.

The above image was at one point today.. 137 bpm.  Ugh.   Haven't seen that in a while, and certainly not much since my ablations (for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and SVT.. for those who don't know).  And not at all in a few months.  But again, these are thankfully short-lived as far as duration.  Now if they would just stop.  That would be nice.

A cough.  A lump in the throat..that feeling like there's something stuck in your esophagus or just at the back of your throat, maybe a lump in the upper part of your chest... just a few of the fun things that go along with arrhythmia(s).  Not 'everyone' gets these, but they are super common.

The pic to the left...this was my heart, I guess, trying to get itself back into NSR.  Slowly but surely.  Down to 101 at this point.  Still looking erratic.

These episodes make me cough, too... which I don't like.  Not long coughing fits mind, you.  It's usually when my heart converts there's just enough pressure to make me cough like once.

This definitely puts a damper on things, I have to admit.

I'm using this time to drink more water and use a lot less salt and just take it easy.  Our house closing is this week and we have a bit to do in and around that--need to get a couple of estimates on getting the deck refinished, the floor of the sunroom included, most of the rooms painted, and possibly the carpet removed from the hallway and master bedroom removed and replaced with wood flooring.  Nothing wrong with the carpet, we just don't LIKE carpet.  We'll leave the other two bedrooms and the formal dining area carpeted for now.  The breakfast nook and kitchen have ceramic tile, and the living room has wood flooring so those are good.  And there are a couple of other things. Then there's the new bedroom set to be delivered in about 5 weeks.  But packing and such... oh boy.  I really need my strength to deal with that.

The pic at the left is when it came back into NSR (normal sinus rhythm), and boy was I glad.  Thing is, after these episodes... I still feel spent and achy.  Even the short bursts take so much out of me.

So anyone who prays, say a little prayer for me that this resolves soon. :)    It will.  I just want it resolved NOW... because it sucks.

Anyone reading who has an arrhythmia, or anyone who's had an ablation... please go easy on the salt if you're not already!  I'm pretty sure this is my issue.  "Could" be my MVP is getting worse, sure, but.. I think it's the salt.

It's worth it to cut back.  Salt makes things taste good, but really... not THAT good! lol

Be well everyone.  I'll post more 'interesting' things soon.... ;p

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....