I am missing something

...profound.

There is something fundamental that is lost when you try to find your life again, find yourself. In the process, once you've lost that vital spark of who you are, you lose bits and pieces of yourself trying to get it back again. I guess it comes down to weighing in on what is gained and what is lost when it boils down to putting the pieces back together again.

I've been doing that a lot lately...

A simple measurement---half full or half empty---is all most people need in order to fit into the big picture. I believe this is because they are still IN their big picture but haven't yet stepped back far enough to see it all. Some of us... have been removed from that big picture. This is when things simply don't feel right anymore and you find yourself watching bits and pieces of your life being lived... by other people.

Whodathunkit?

I've had to focus SO HARD on just surviving that there is nothing left over for actual living. I'm not complaining---just stating a fact. It is what it is. Every night I lay awake and try and think of new ways to reinsert myself back into what was once known as 'my life,' but I've not found anything that works. One of the reasons, I believe, is that I STILL have NO idea where I fit in. I have NO idea where I fit into my life, or anyone else's for that matter.

I've tried to see where I fit into my boyfriend's life (today is our 8 month anniversary)...and I just can't see anywhere where I fit. I'm on the outside looking in, even with him. It's 'my' existence and 'his' life, and the two are very VERY separate things. I look ahead into the future but don't see where those two roads converge. Not sure what that means, really.

Sometimes I wonder if all my trying to force myself to fit in somewhere is doing much more harm than good. I'm trying to relocate to be near someone, but... my life is still that complete separate thing. I will be living in a place where I REALLY don't fit in. I didn't grow up there, have no friends there, have no family there, have yet to find work there.... it's not a huge change from right here where I've been for 6.5 years.

...I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Where I currently live I watch other people 'live.' I watch life going on all around me... but I'm not a part of it, even when I try. Maybe I am a social pariah, as someone once told me. The shoe certainly fits, Cinderella!

It's not for a lack of trying. But that's okay. I've known my whole life I was born in the wrong era or something. I seriously, SERIOUSLY do NOT fit in here. People I know, what few I know, sometimes tell me about getting together with friends to do this or that, things I'm very much interested in. But I'm never invited. I'm not socially retarded, so it's not that I don't know how to behave in public. I really don't know what the deal is, but... it is what it is.

I spend a lot of time alone and have most of my life, most of it happening over the last few years. Sad part is.. not only am I getting used to it, but I'm getting to where I PREFER it now. A part of me gets lonely, wants people to talk to, confide in, share things with... but.. the part of me that just wants to be alone is gaining ground.

And no, I don't feel sorry for myself. I make observances and am often oddly amused by what I see.

Do I wish I fit in the world better? Sure! Do I wish I had friends and family I could hang out with, share life with, etc? Of course! Do I wish I had a place to call 'home' where I felt I belonged, no matter if I felt like an outcast everywhere else? Absolutely!!

But not having those things doesn't provoke self-pity. I just find it... weird.

Now 'weird' is something I DO get. So I guess I'll have to be content with that.... while the rest of the world goes on living around me......