Now what?

I know I delete a lot of entries per month, but there's a reason for that. The reason, however, isn't really important. At least... not right now. So this post may not make any sense unless you've been reading for the past year... or unless I've caught you up. If I've not caught you up, I will...

Today, like so many others, began on a fairly even note. By 'even' I mean.. I wasn't particularly down, nor was I particularly up. I often refer to this 'state' as 'flatlined.' It's the description that best fits anyway. After only 2 hours of sleep (another talk show) I wasn't at my best, but I felt pretty good overall. A short trip to Starbuck's where I know at least one person... left me laughing and feeling fairly happy. I suppose the worst of the 'downer' began after I arrived home and realized I'd been 'forgotten' (on purpose) by someone I love, someone that (while in a good mood) includes me in his family prayer sessions twice a week. I know the drill, so I know exactly that I wasn't 'forgotten' in the sense that you or I would 'forget' something or someone. I'm being 'punished,' plain and simple, and punished because of, well, nothing really. And yes, I'm being honest in that.

This sort of thing happens FAR too often, and each time I'm 'punished' in one form or fashion.. it feels like cruelty on the receiving side. And as I've always said, and you can quote me on this, "There is no such thing as accidental cruelty." I won't go into the gory details, and I know having NOT explained this behavior and why it feels like cruelty may only confuse... it's still the truth.

There is an entire novel of information that explains the above, gives the context in which it all happens in and why it affects me so deeply, but there simply isn't time or space here to go into it all. What I know is that I'm living in a city where I know no one. I'm alone here, and the nearest relative is in Phoenix, AZ. There's no real reason for me to be here.

I once thought that moving in the vicinity of where my bf of 8 mos lives (he wants me to move there), but I would be in the same boat there. When he gets mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me, see me, etc (which happens often)... I feel horribly alone. I can't even imagine how bad it would be if it happened while I lived in an area where I knew NO ONE at all. At least HERE I know people at certain businesses and feel a sense of welcome in those places. That's something at least. But living where I don't know anyone at all... well, you know what I mean I'm sure.

These days I feel like a ghost wandering around my apartment, and in life. I feel a bit invisible, to say the least.

Everything happens for a reason. I know there is a purpose in everything. I've waited my entire life to find MY purpose here... and purposes, for me anyway, come and go with the evolution of life on planet earth. Purpose in life is to learn about life as a teen. Purpose in life is to be a good mom and raise my kids. Purpose in life is to be a good dancer and dance teacher. Purpose in life is to be there to cheer mr. man on while he works steadily on building his career...while mine is put on hold. And now.... mr. man is gone (happy over that one, mind you) and my purpose is still undefined in the great scheme of things.

My 'big picture' has no title or symmetry.

The roots of my life are no longer embedded within the garden, and everything I thought I was or was meant to be has disengaged from terra firma.

I have no idea where I belong, and I'm fairly certain I've forgotten who I really am.

Now what?