The good things, the bad things... just things

I thought maybe, just maybe I would have something positive to say here today. The day was 'okay,' though not great. The anxiety is never-ending, but then... that's just a 'thing' too, isn't it? But I forced myself to go to Magnolia to do photos because it had been SO long. Frankly, it's been so long since I've been 'just me' that I'm not even sure who that person is anymore.

Yes yes.. I realize how negative this all sounds.... but here is basically the place I purge the bad, to let it flow out in a string of words, sentences, paragraphs.... sometimes ad nauseum. Be that as it may....

I'm not throwing a pity party. I don't feel 'sorry' for myself. Self-pity isn't helpful OR attractive, and I have no plans on indulging in either of those. My situation is what it is, and what I need most right now.. isn't pity... but encouragement, a little cheering on perhaps. Whatever happened to positive reinforcement, anyway?

I have plans. I have wishes. I have dreams. They all live and breathe within me in my heart of hearts. I keep these things close, hear them in my sleep and feel them stir in the quiet moments. They serve as a reminder that I'm still alive and a part of this world... not yet a ghost. So why do I feel like one? I know why... just not ready to talk about it here just yet.

I've lost so much, but those plans, those wishes, and those dreams... i'm holding onto for dear life. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can hold onto these things. But for now... I still have them.

At the moment, like so many times, there is great difficulty in speaking candidly about what's going on. At the moment, like so many times, I'm afraid to say aloud those things I think, contemplate, even know.... I'm not sure HOW to digest them in the context of my life. Yes, I realize how weird and confusing that sounds, but trust me... it's not confusing to me and makes more sense than anything else I know right now.

I am made to feel ashamed of who I am. I am made to feel unworthy on so many levels. I fight every single day to find some semblance of peace, acceptance, understanding. Yet I also feel like I'm trapped in a time in which I don't belong. Frankly, I feel like I'm from another planet most days because I simply just can't seem to fit in anywhere. And NO.. this is NOT a pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself... I simply want understanding so I can change things... if they are, in fact, able to change.

Decompression.... a soft place to fall....

I wish for both of those things. I have a desperate (yes, the 'd' word) need to take a vacation from my life, to have (just for a little while) that feeling of contentment, joy, bliss. No one can truly take a vacation from their life. I mean, not really. We can divert the mind, the body, trick ourselves into believing we are 'away from it all.' I don't have that ability, however. Not just yet anyway. But I hope to.

I want so much to just have the criticism and judgment to stop. When it comes from someone you love---it's powerful and can knock you to your knees in an instant. There has been so much lately...

I just want (need) a rest from it all. I want SO much to not have to defend myself or to be tried and convicted of being.... 'me.' GUILTY AS CHARGED!

I'm empty at the moment, so I apologize if this entry makes NO sense to you.

.....E.