I'm the girl that isn't much of a conformist. I'm the girl who dares to be my authentic self despite complaints or disapproval from others. I'm the sensitive girl, the one who may appear to cry too easily, laugh mostly inwardly, the one who is often accused of being 'clueless' because I don't get certain concepts right off.
I'm the girl who doesn't fit well into crowds, the one who isn't into looking for the next party.
I'm the girl who loves animals, feels compassion for them and knows precisely what compassion is and doesn't confuse compassion with empathy or sympathy. I'm the girl who is hands-down a first-rate animal-lover.
...I'm the girl with 6 ferrets and a basset hound---four of those animals are rescues. If you know nothing else of me, you would know how I am about my animals. If nothing else.. you would know that.
I know we've met. We've talked thousands of minutes, shared countless text messages and emails, have spent enough time in each other's worlds that there are just certain things that we, well, just... know. So how is it that you fail to know the most important things about me?
Or is it simply that you just don't accept those things about me?
I had animals long before I met you. My animals were an established and integral part of my life long before you even knew I existed in the world. The first thing anyone learns about me, including you, is that my animals are very important to me, but not more important than loved ones, human beings. Even I know where a line must be drawn. Still... I also know that most of the time a line doesn't HAVE to be drawn.
Those who truly love me would never ask me to give up the joyful things in my life, not even for them. True love... means accepting the person you proclaim to love and SHOWING it in ways that say... 'your happiness is important to me.'
You knew early on who I am, what I am, and what I'm about. It's not fair to allow love to blossom and then later try to strip things about me away as if they are unimportant. If you find one thing about me unimportant, that changes everything.
Love is to love the sum of a person, not just the parts.
No one is 100% easy to love. We love some things automatically, easily, other things we grow into. But acceptance is key to love's survival and growth. As long as there is even one thing we can't accept about another.... we cannot really love them. The good, the bad, the indifferent.. it's all part of the package.
....the sum total.
Is it love when someone says.. 'choose me or your children'?
Is it love when someone asks.. 'choose me or your pets you've had for 6-7 years'?
Is it love when it has to be one or the other?
Yes, I understand extenuating circumstances often dictate a need for such choices. If our beloved is allergic to cats and cannot or is not comfortable taking medication in order to tolerate the cats, then it stands to reason that a choice must be made. I get that. Most people get that. But this isn't the case here.
Long before I met the man of my dreams I had animals. All of my life I've wanted to be in a position where I could have them in my life. ALL of my life I have wanted this. With each failed relationship, however, I lost heavily, emotionally. With each failed relationship... I lost my animals. Each new relationship I was given yet another promise, another opportunity for these small joys. And when the relationship ended I was left to rip my heart out of my chest and find my animals new homes.
I've had animals now for nearly 7 years. It's a thankless job, an often expensive one. But the joy usually out-weighs the hardship or heartache, the inconveniences. This is who I am... the girl who adores animals.
I thought you fell in love with me, that girl, the one I am and always have been. I believed your love was unconditional.
Today... I was proven wrong. You didn't fall in love with 'me,' but an idea of an 'edited me' where many things I am are stripped away and replaced with something easier, something more like.... you. But I'm not you. I'm me.
Today... the ultimatum has made itself known. That too-loud, accusatory voice still rings in my very spirit. It doesn't resonate there but bounces around like a metal ball in a glass bowl, threatening with every word, every demand, every accusation.... to chip away and damage the person I am.
After all this time, after all these months (nearly a year) you have decided there are big things about me you aren't okay with, things you do not like, things you aren't willing to accept. If there's no acceptance, there's no love.
I felt such love today. My words conveyed it, and you noticed. But the sweet feeling didn't last and was quickly replaced by sadness, hurt, depression, then... emptiness.....
I'm still empty, except for the pain. I can make that go away, because I know how. But I can't make the implication of your words and actions go away. THAT... I have no idea how to make go away.
....and that is what I get to feel for the rest of this evening.
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