About that compass....

For life, that is....

It's come down to one simple fact: I have to move.

There's nothing here for me in Mobile. No sense in going into all the business as to why, so I won't do that. But it's a fact just the same, and my question now is----where do I go from here?

God.. I really wish I knew the answer to that question. At one point I thought I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but it seems that every time I make plans and ACT in moving in that direction... something goes wrong and doubt sets in.

My goal was to move to the area where my bf lives, but moving is expensive and I'm not working at the moment. There's also a plethora of 'conditions' that keep things unfavorable for a move at all. But even so, I was willing to do whatever it takes to make that move. However, I've also been seeing little things along the way that give me pause and great concern over making such a gigantic leap.

And I'm on my own anyway, no matter where I live or who I live near. Given that I tend to feel completely disconnected from anything and anyone. I guess that may be a bit confusing when it's put like that, but let me explain....

Parents both dead, and gone for MANY MANY years. No family ties to speak of (long story), and kids can't really help out because of their own financial situations, layoffs and such. I've not lived in one place long enough (thanks to my last relationship) to make any friends. No state or city I call home because there's been SO much moving all along the way.

No connections. No family ties. No friends. It's a strange, strange way to live.

I spent a couple of hours or so today looking for apartments for rent near where my bf lives, but I didn't really see or find anything helpful, especially since I don't live there and have no clue as to what areas to avoid, etc. And my last relationship wrecked my credit something fierce, so I'm screwed when it comes to the credit check for renting a place. The other thing is.. no job. And when I move.. I won't have a job. Most of the rental places say they require proof of income, and some even said 'substantial income.' What's odd about that is that the rent on a couple of those place that required a 'substantial income' were only $500/mo. Now some may not agree, but I think if one were to have a substantial income that they would be looking for something a little more upscale than what you'd get for $500/mo.

No matter. I don't really qualify for much of anything anyway. So what's next... a tent in the woods?

Well, I got way off - track with that huge paragraph above.

The point is this: I already have a decent apartment in a lovely historic neighborhood. I pay only $400/mo so it's a pretty good deal. I wish I had a bigger place so I wouldn't have to rent a storage unit. BUT... moving will deplete my savings. Moving doesn't guarantee that I won't be as alone as I am here.

The rent when I move will be much more. My bf and I have been having issues, so.... there is the possibility of having NO ONE where I live if things go very wrong. I wish things were different. I wish I felt that sense of 'safe and secure.' I wish I had a soft place to fall.

I'm being broken up with several times a month. I've recently learned he's told at least one of his ex gf's that I'm not 'it,' and his seal of fate on that really changed how I saw the relationship, my life within that relationship, my role in the world, etc. And I'm back to feeling like I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Or.. at least I've not found a place where I fit in. Doesn't mean I won't find or have that one day. I just don't have it right now. So be it.

What I want...

A place I can call home.
A place in the world where I feel safe and secure.
To feel loved ALL of the time, and not just part of the time.
To trust that the person in my life has my back as I have theirs.

I could go on forever with that list, but I won't. No need really. I want what most want. I want what most have.

Where is that soft place to fall when you need it the most?

Wow. I've NOT said so much here.