I get SO close to knowing what to do....

...but when I get there to that point... something happens and I'm in full-blown doubt again.

Moving isn't easy for anyone, and it's really REALLY not easy for me at all. There's been too much moving in the latter half of my life, and I'd prefer, actually I NEED stability now. I'm not 25 anymore, so the idea of 'new places and new people' doesn't do anything for me anymore. Well, unless we're talking 'vacation.' But that's another matter.

These decisions are difficult, so when I'm faced with looking at the pros and cons of it all, I sometimes find myself unable to make a firm decision. No, well, that's not entirely true, because I HAVE made the decision to move a couple of times now and have always had something happen to make me take a step back and reconsider. Today is one of those days. Well, actually tonight is one of those nights.

I have a LOT to consider before taking that huge plunge into 'somewhere else.' Where I'm considering moving isn't home, isn't a place I'm relocating for a promotion or promising job with lots of income, nor is it a move due to wanting to be closer to family or good friends. So I have to have SOMETHING to hang onto, look forward to, some reason (other than 'love') to move. Because, let's face it... the LOVE word doesn't EVER guarantee anything, does it?

So far..any direction I look to for a move ends the same. The compass points to nowhere and nothing, just places where I would be a stranger in the midst of strangers. So what's the point? Moving for a boyfriend can be a GREAT reason to move. But it seems to me that it would make more sense if things were more stable. Am I right on this one??

And there is this other little 'thing' of late---age. Not just 'age' itself, but where I am at this late date is something I have to consider when making any decision at all... not just about moving, but about everything.

I guess at almost 49 I have to have some stability in a relationship, and when the stability is unstable then I have to consider that when making choices with regards to my life and the relationship I'm in. Since I'm NOT 25yrs old and can't see having 'my whole life ahead of me,' I can't realistically entertain the idea that if this relationship doesn't work out... then there's always next time. Cripes. Next time? No way, Jose. If I haven't gotten it right by 50.. that's IT! And this is something I made my mind up about many, many years ago.

And what life I have left ahead of me, well, I want to have happiness, joy, acceptance, adventure, love, lust, passion, excitement, stability, intimacy.... etc. And not in that particular order, mind you. But still.. you get the drift I'm sure. I really don't want one trial run after the other. I want to have stability, and I want very much to have someone to share my life with. I'm too tired to go from relationship to relationship. I'm done with that sort of thing. I've 'trialed and errored' myself to death on that one.

So this is it. This relationship I see as my last. Not being bitter. Not being melancholy. Not being cynical. I'm dead serious. I love being in love as much as anyone, but the in and out of love and change and breakups and dating and... and... ugh. I'm done. If this one doesn't work out, I'm done with the dating thing. I simply don't have the energy for it anymore.

Given that this is it, that this relationship is the last one, this makes the decision of WHERE I move or IF I move even more critical. There has to be something for me wherever I go besides just the relationship. I mean, if he broke up with me or I with him.. I'd be living somewhere where I didn't have anyone. I couldn't live like that, so I would once again be looking to move.

It's a huge life decision at this point.

Huge.

I've been waiting for that 'sign' from the Universe or God... to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I know what I WANT...

And in the meantime.. that damn compass just keeps spinning....