"I understand and wish to continue"

I had a funny thought as I signed into my account and navigated to this blog.  Because I can't say I won't ever talk about 'adult' issues here, I have the settings so that folks have to click the button to confirm they understand that there could be 'adult' content, though we know it's never really 'that.'  But the phrase itself, divorced from the usual meaning, struck me as interesting and appropriate, given the reason I'm posting.  Thing is, maybe it should've been phrased as a question in stead.  "Do I understand?" and "Do I wish to continue?"  Now there's a couple of questions worth pondering.

It's been an ugly day filled with the same crap from T.  Indifference, disrespect, the unwillingness to be polite.  And me, well, I've had it up to my eyeballs with it all, to be honest, and I've reached the end of my rope with this garbage.  Eventually, even I arrive to that place where I can no longer tolerate the bullshit.

I've arrived at this place of limited tolerance for bullshit after the last relationship more than tested my tolerance to the point of breaking.  There's no way in hell I want to go back to being that person who just sits quietly in a drowning pool of anxiety and stress while someone has their way with me.  Somewhere along the line something broke, and I have very little problem now standing up for myself.  This new backbone is a long time coming.

The scenario of today's crapfest isn't important, the details really don't offer anything that makes anyone understand any more than had they not heard the story at all.  The details don't matter because this situation is ludicrous, even stupid if one were to step back and view it for what it actually is.  Asinine.  During the height of the bullshit, when the BS meter pegs maximum load, is when I stop giving a crap about any of this.  Meaning, even the relationship isn't worth the trouble when EVERYTHING has to be a problem.  At some point, something has to give, and it usually does.

These days I honestly long for a vacation, a REAL vacation, and one I can take utterly alone.  Either alone or with a friend, of which none live close by.  Still, the idea of being someplace beautiful, peaceful, a place that inspires calm and awe sounds like my most perfect heaven.  I intend to take that trip before long, God willing.

There's no sense in muddying the day further by blaring the details, much of which is likely not going to be interesting to anyone anyway (trust me), so I'm going to end this here.  Inside, deep inside I can hear the voice of who I once was before someone tried to bully me into believing I was something or someone else.  I do remember who I am inside, though the thin, fragile trust I extended to the outside world now lays several years broken.  Trusting people is nearly impossible for me now in the wake of that last relationship, the whole thing having been based on so many forms of deceit that I still, to this day, can't make sense of it.

But seriously, I have no idea of what to make of the last several years of my life nor how to deal with the aftermath.  I honestly don't understand, and I honestly have no idea if I wish to continue.

Who does?