Yes, there is this blog. Yes, sometimes I share a lot. Yes, I'm sometimes vague. And yes, I've tried and tried to be as blunt as possible here. My mistrust of most humans runs deep and likely always will. Still, I keep trying.
Everything here vacillates between abject indifference and rancid criticism (not on my side, but towards me). All I have are those precious times when I'm alone to recover and try to repair the damage so I can get up yet another day and keep going, keep trying to find happiness wherever I can find it. I long for a different life.
I've hated holidays now for about 7 years now. It didn't happen overnight, though, and as time went on and each holiday brought forth something ugly... the associations between that ugliness and the holiday became one and the same. Most of the time I fight to get past it, to heal those wounds, but I fail every time. Holiday after holiday the person I was with would take a big, fat crap on the good things.... every... single... time. I'm just done with it all at this point and would rather not acknowledge the damn holidays to begin with.
What is it about some people that they just can't leave something good, something beautiful, something joyful alone... without serious garbage being tossed into everything? Can ONE good thing just be left as that... "Good"?
It is SO hard to heal, physically, when anxiety and stress are constants, when sleep doesn't come easily and waking is greeted by knots in the stomach.
Maybe it's not so much the holidays that are the problem. Maybe it's more the situation than what surrounds it.
Today sucks. 'Nuff said.
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