So here I am with the first of a few changes. For far too long now, some 6 years or so, I've relinquished some of the bigger parts of myself, of my spirit, of who I am as a person. Bullied into thinking who I am needed changing I began an awkward and toxic journey to become what another in my life at the time thought I should be. As I stripped away the vital components of myself to please him, my purpose in life, my place in my own life became blurred and unrecognizable. Slowly those vital parts of me began to fade, and then to die. I had no idea at the time what was happening or what was done to me, but I was shown, and then I became more awake and aware than I ever have been before. It wasn't pretty, and it certainly wasn't comfortable. But it was absolutely necessary.
Not everything was salvageable. Some once-vital sparks simply winked out during that toxic relationship, and I've been mourning in the tiny shadows they left behind. But you know, shadows don't exist without light, and I've been determined to bring that light forward since that awakening some 3 or 3 1/2 years ago. Yes, that is a long time to still be dealing with such a thing, but the damage done was fairly significant.
Even as I write this every muscle in my body is beginning to ache, my arms and wrists are weak and becoming heavy. There isn't any way, certainly no easy way, to face this head-on every single day of my life, but I've no choice. I either fight until I win, or allow the rest of me to wink out completely. Where is there an actual choice in that?
I've looked close and hard at my blog entries, wondering what I can learn from what I've said. What I didn't look closely at is how fragmented I purposely made things here. What I mean by that is splitting my blogs up, breaking them apart... or rather, breaking my thoughts and experiences apart as if they weren't connected. They ARE connected, each and every one. I suppose my subconscious was trying not to bring the entire picture together. The "Why?" of that will have to be addressed eventually, and hopefully soon. Until then....
Bringing the pieces together.
It won't be easy for some of you who like to read only certain aspects of my thoughts and experiences, but if you were paying attention you'd know that I was speaking pretty much the same story across the blogs, often cross-posting. Even then I didn't realize how much I needed to put my life and thoughts back together where everything begins to make sense. But I know now.
THIS blog will be THE blog, and I will simply put a link on the others pointing right here, where I plan to put the pieces back together and speak from my heart and mind and soul... without scattering the message into oblivion where even I have trouble putting it all together where it makes sense.
So today is day one. Today I will concentrate my blogs here, fix the links in the side menu, and hopefully minimize the confusion for you, and the hassle for me at the same time. It's time.
It's just time.
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