Whew... got home after 3am and didn't sleep very well. But at least THAT part is done. Not a vascular issue, so at least we can check that one off the list. Next in line.... lymphatic system. *sigh* this one is gonna suck.
But hey... still losing weight like crazy!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Here again...the long wait
And I really hope they release me to go home tonight. Hopefully just an ultrasound and a follow up with the old PC doc. Who knows. At least I got to visit Kathy first, so that was awesome. She got a spa treatment from me, but since I had to go to the ER I couldn't read her the daily readings from the Magnificat. I will owe her one. :) I'm so glad she's coming along.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Friday night part II -- Lonely is such a familiar feeling
It's quiet in my apartment. Most of the time I don't mind, and these days I tend to believe I'm actually acquiring a taste for quiet... and isolation. This has been coming for some time, and it's not that I WANT to be this way. I don't. I just don't know how to stop feeling that way.
I've had two hospital stays since late January. My middle son and the priest from my parish were the only people who came to see me. This last time my son could only make it once, to stay one night and return to work the following day. He had to, and I didn't want him to miss work and not have his rent, etc. I was okay with that. And it was SUCH a blessing that Fr. V. came to see me. I did first confession in the hospital, received a healing anointing, and communion. So it's not like I'm saying all was awful.
But a lot of it was.
The room I was put in looked hastily put together, pretty ragged compared to the other rooms on the floor. Maybe they just didn't have enough room for everyone. But it made things so depressing, really. And I kept the tv off most of the time... slept mostly. I was very exhausted in the days following the TIA. Still, it was incredibly lonely.
Even the night I went to the hospital in the ambulance, a so-called 'friend' was there but just said to call her and let her know how things are. The ambulance headed to the ER, my friend headed home. She lives about 3 minutes from the hospital. Oh well.
It was a lonely experience, and rather scary this time. I had no idea what had happened to me, but it was the second time in my life that I ever wanted to dial 911. I couldn't walk, much less think or drive. I was scared, and that doesn't happen often to me. Not like this anyway.
It's been hard just doing ordinary daily tasks. After I got home from the hospital I had to struggle just to do what needed to be done, being careful not to fall due to the awful dizziness, so short of breath that I had to gasp for air to do the smallest thing, breaking down now and then because I felt I couldn't keep up the pace. But I pushed on... somehow.
I realize often that the ONLY reason I'm still in Mobile, AL is because of my church. I LOVE my church. My son's live far away (CA, CO.. the closest in MS) and the one closest has to work 2 jobs to just get by. But I don't want to move to MS again. I didn't like it the first time. So once again I'm wondering "where is home?"
And please spare me the "home is where you make it" stuff. I'm sorry, but people who say that have family and friends nearby who care about them, reach out to them and let them know they're loved and being thought of.
I'm worn out. So sick. So tired of not feeling good (to put it mildly). So many things out of my control. And so doggone lonely.
And yay.. now I have a horrible cold on top of everything else, and I'm unable to take anything for it due to some of the medications I'm on. :/ Too sick to go to the store for Mucinex, the only thing I CAN take.... I'm miserable. :(
This invisible girl really needs to get a life.
I've had two hospital stays since late January. My middle son and the priest from my parish were the only people who came to see me. This last time my son could only make it once, to stay one night and return to work the following day. He had to, and I didn't want him to miss work and not have his rent, etc. I was okay with that. And it was SUCH a blessing that Fr. V. came to see me. I did first confession in the hospital, received a healing anointing, and communion. So it's not like I'm saying all was awful.
But a lot of it was.
The room I was put in looked hastily put together, pretty ragged compared to the other rooms on the floor. Maybe they just didn't have enough room for everyone. But it made things so depressing, really. And I kept the tv off most of the time... slept mostly. I was very exhausted in the days following the TIA. Still, it was incredibly lonely.
Even the night I went to the hospital in the ambulance, a so-called 'friend' was there but just said to call her and let her know how things are. The ambulance headed to the ER, my friend headed home. She lives about 3 minutes from the hospital. Oh well.
It was a lonely experience, and rather scary this time. I had no idea what had happened to me, but it was the second time in my life that I ever wanted to dial 911. I couldn't walk, much less think or drive. I was scared, and that doesn't happen often to me. Not like this anyway.
It's been hard just doing ordinary daily tasks. After I got home from the hospital I had to struggle just to do what needed to be done, being careful not to fall due to the awful dizziness, so short of breath that I had to gasp for air to do the smallest thing, breaking down now and then because I felt I couldn't keep up the pace. But I pushed on... somehow.
I realize often that the ONLY reason I'm still in Mobile, AL is because of my church. I LOVE my church. My son's live far away (CA, CO.. the closest in MS) and the one closest has to work 2 jobs to just get by. But I don't want to move to MS again. I didn't like it the first time. So once again I'm wondering "where is home?"
And please spare me the "home is where you make it" stuff. I'm sorry, but people who say that have family and friends nearby who care about them, reach out to them and let them know they're loved and being thought of.
I'm worn out. So sick. So tired of not feeling good (to put it mildly). So many things out of my control. And so doggone lonely.
And yay.. now I have a horrible cold on top of everything else, and I'm unable to take anything for it due to some of the medications I'm on. :/ Too sick to go to the store for Mucinex, the only thing I CAN take.... I'm miserable. :(
This invisible girl really needs to get a life.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A Pirate Walks Into a Bar....
The title is as dumb as my life has been lately. And today sucked more than most. Well, not completely. But still...
I've spent most of my time lately doing one of 3 things:
1. Looking for work.
2. Being yelled at, lectured, hung up in and broke up with by my bf.
3. Sitting in a freezing cold apartment in total silence... Wondering where the hell my life went.
....not necessarily in that order. Mostly #2. *snort* now THAT was funny. And, I promise, not planned.
Life is scary. I'm hungry as hell. I'm freezing most of the time. Lonely beyond words.
This is ridiculous.
Where the hell is my LIFE?!
Seriously!
I've spent most of my time lately doing one of 3 things:
1. Looking for work.
2. Being yelled at, lectured, hung up in and broke up with by my bf.
3. Sitting in a freezing cold apartment in total silence... Wondering where the hell my life went.
....not necessarily in that order. Mostly #2. *snort* now THAT was funny. And, I promise, not planned.
Life is scary. I'm hungry as hell. I'm freezing most of the time. Lonely beyond words.
This is ridiculous.
Where the hell is my LIFE?!
Seriously!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I met my future last night and found it depressing PART 2
Someone graciously gave me food money, thank God, and so I headed to Sam's club last night after working at job 2. After I'd gotten a few things I headed to the register, paid, then proceeded to the exit where the 'greeter' checks the receipt against the goods in the cart. As I approached the door I noticed the woman standing there looked bone-weary-tired, and I thought.. wow.. I know how she feels. I stepped up, handed her my receipt and said, "You look like I feel." She smiled, albeit a weary smile, and said.. "I'm exhausted."
I asked her if it had been a long day for her, and she replied that it had, but that it's always a long day as she works two jobs. I told her I was doing the same and still looking for more work, then added that it seems SO much harder to work two p/t jobs than one f/t job. She nodded in agreement, then told me about her life (in few words)....
She works two jobs because she has to in order to survive. Neither job pays her a living wage (boy, do I know about that!), so she takes as many hours as they will give her.
"I don't get days off," she stated in that weary tone. "I work at one job, then I come here. Then I get up the next day and do it again." She sighed heavily, smiled and said... "I just don't ever get a day off."
I felt badly for her, and my heart sank as I realized.... she was me. I wished her well, told her that her hard work was commendable and hoped things got better for her soon. I walked out into the parking lot in the dying light of dusk and knew that I had just heard my current life story.
I had applied at Sam's but did not get an interview call. And I would try again. The tired woman at the exit stated that they pay $8/hr and that they only hire p/t employees [with the exception of management]. Already when I work job 1 and job 2 on the same day I'm away from home for sometimes 13 hours or so. All of my days off at one place are filled with work at the other. I was scheduled off for Monday and Thursday of this week at job 2 but was asked if I could or wanted to work Monday (of course I say YES!), and there was a Thursday shift available... so I took that as well.
I met my future. I saw her weary eyes and tired face and wondered where her spirit and vitality had gone. She looked defeated, even as she smiled pleasantly and wished every single customer that passed her a good night. She wished for others what she would not have for herself. Sounds familiar.
..........seriously. what else is there to say, except... "Is this all there is?"
I asked her if it had been a long day for her, and she replied that it had, but that it's always a long day as she works two jobs. I told her I was doing the same and still looking for more work, then added that it seems SO much harder to work two p/t jobs than one f/t job. She nodded in agreement, then told me about her life (in few words)....
She works two jobs because she has to in order to survive. Neither job pays her a living wage (boy, do I know about that!), so she takes as many hours as they will give her.
"I don't get days off," she stated in that weary tone. "I work at one job, then I come here. Then I get up the next day and do it again." She sighed heavily, smiled and said... "I just don't ever get a day off."
I felt badly for her, and my heart sank as I realized.... she was me. I wished her well, told her that her hard work was commendable and hoped things got better for her soon. I walked out into the parking lot in the dying light of dusk and knew that I had just heard my current life story.
I had applied at Sam's but did not get an interview call. And I would try again. The tired woman at the exit stated that they pay $8/hr and that they only hire p/t employees [with the exception of management]. Already when I work job 1 and job 2 on the same day I'm away from home for sometimes 13 hours or so. All of my days off at one place are filled with work at the other. I was scheduled off for Monday and Thursday of this week at job 2 but was asked if I could or wanted to work Monday (of course I say YES!), and there was a Thursday shift available... so I took that as well.
I met my future. I saw her weary eyes and tired face and wondered where her spirit and vitality had gone. She looked defeated, even as she smiled pleasantly and wished every single customer that passed her a good night. She wished for others what she would not have for herself. Sounds familiar.
..........seriously. what else is there to say, except... "Is this all there is?"
I met my future last night, and found it depressing PART 1
Trying to come up with f/t hours with 2 p/t jobs isn't easy at all, and many times it means you're spread thin throughout the week. We have to do what we have to do. My chosen career field isn't that easy to get into (another talk show), but my little p/t job within that field is all I have to keep my training and skills going. For now. But taking on a second job was crucial to my survival since the one job I have only gives me an average of 15 hours per week at best.
We do what we must to survive.
For the purpose of this blog I will call my 'career job' "job 1," and my 'other' p/t job "job 2.".......
I had high hopes for job 1. The staff is SUPER small, the clinic being small, though 'big corporation' owned. Still, I really believed that this would be a huge career move for me. But little did I know that the place is managed (poorly so) by someone who manages in what I call "Redneck Retail" fashion. This is NOT a retail job, btw, though there are products that are sold to clients. That being said, I will continue...
The staff at job 1 is comprised of either housewives who have husbands with incomes, or college kids who still live at home. Most are wealthy, spoiled, and completely clueless to many of the life lessons that teach us more about compassion, tolerance, selflessness, etc. Truly, the entire bunch (with the exception of one new employee) are about as "Me, me, me! It's all about me!" oriented. But the worst of it is the juvenile behavior of the adults, how they wield their power like a loaded handgun in the grasp of an angry 5 yr old.
It took me 18 months to find job 1 after my 11 year relationship ended abruptly and left me without a job, savings, car, etc. But even though it was p/t it was still in my chosen career field, and I figured I could always get a second job to supplement. The entirety of the staff, with the exception of myself, has only the one job... because they don't NEED a second job due to their living/life/home/money situations. I have only myself, so I NEED a second job to survive. It took 6 months to find that second job, but at least I found one.
Job 2 is TEMPORARY/seasonal. It pays only min wage but offers a bonus ($1/hr per every hour worked) if the empolyee sticks it out til the end when the store closes on November 1st. I will continue to look for another p/t job (or f/t) in the meantime. However, job 1 boss decided to make life very difficult on me.... because I dared to get a second job.
Trust me, I'm getting to the 'future' part.....
Boss of job 1 waited this past week to post the schedule. Boss of job 2, as per company policy, works around the employees other schedules because the job is only 2 months long and doesn't pay well. So I waited... and waited for boss of job 1 to post the schedule. On the day my boss from job 2 needed to make out the schedule for the week I called my boss of job 1 to find out what my schedule there was... and was told that she had not made the schedule yet. I left a msg, then tried to call again, only to be told she had gone home for the day. So I left another message telling her that my boss from job 2 HAD to get the schedule made and that if I didn't allow him to schedule me I would get hardly any hours at all, basically what was left over.
I went to work at job 1 the following day and left a note for job 1 boss, explaining that the schedule HAD to be made or I would have lost out. Boss of job 1 simply stated she would deal with it the following day.
I went to work the day after... and boss of job 1 still had me set at 0.0 hours. She told me that based on my availability she couldn't do anything about it. See, here's the problem I have with her excuse....
a. I am available ALL mornings til early afternoon on ALL days.
b. I was scheduled OFF TWO DAYS from job 2, and since boss of job 1 schedules me less hours per week than 2 full days, there was NO reason at all why she couldn't schedule me for those two days.
c. The corporation that owns job 1 has what is known as a 'work/life' program, where they are dedicated to scheduling employees so that their LIFE works well with their job. They believe they get happier employees that way.
d. A new employee isn't doing well and the upper staff is NOT happy with her laziness and bad work ethics. One even mentioned that she simply wasn't interested in the job at all. But boss of job 1 gives her 25+ hours, works her in the am......
Boss of job 1 simply is throwing a tantrum and wielding her power to do harm to someone because she can. She's ticked off because I dared to get another job.
But worse... boss of job 1 recently added me on FB. She never posts anything, never talks to me there, never comments on anything, and didn't even bother to say happy birthday (when she had to others). She added me to snoop, and last evening I blocked her ability to see my updates and posts. I simply DO NOT trust her in the least.
I have a bad feeling about where this is going, and I simply do not have the power to stop it. She's on a mission to wreck my life, and I know this because if it were not for my boss at job 2... my rent wouldn't be paid for October. As it is, it's barely paid.
I needed two jobs to make it. I need two jobs to pay my bills, buy food, and have gas and insurance for my car. This is not a joke. This is not 'shoe money' or partying money. This is not fun and games for me. I'm a grown up with grown up bills. No person or gov't agency pays my way. "I" pay my way.
...now about talking to my future last night..
Check out PART 2......
We do what we must to survive.
For the purpose of this blog I will call my 'career job' "job 1," and my 'other' p/t job "job 2.".......
I had high hopes for job 1. The staff is SUPER small, the clinic being small, though 'big corporation' owned. Still, I really believed that this would be a huge career move for me. But little did I know that the place is managed (poorly so) by someone who manages in what I call "Redneck Retail" fashion. This is NOT a retail job, btw, though there are products that are sold to clients. That being said, I will continue...
The staff at job 1 is comprised of either housewives who have husbands with incomes, or college kids who still live at home. Most are wealthy, spoiled, and completely clueless to many of the life lessons that teach us more about compassion, tolerance, selflessness, etc. Truly, the entire bunch (with the exception of one new employee) are about as "Me, me, me! It's all about me!" oriented. But the worst of it is the juvenile behavior of the adults, how they wield their power like a loaded handgun in the grasp of an angry 5 yr old.
It took me 18 months to find job 1 after my 11 year relationship ended abruptly and left me without a job, savings, car, etc. But even though it was p/t it was still in my chosen career field, and I figured I could always get a second job to supplement. The entirety of the staff, with the exception of myself, has only the one job... because they don't NEED a second job due to their living/life/home/money situations. I have only myself, so I NEED a second job to survive. It took 6 months to find that second job, but at least I found one.
Job 2 is TEMPORARY/seasonal. It pays only min wage but offers a bonus ($1/hr per every hour worked) if the empolyee sticks it out til the end when the store closes on November 1st. I will continue to look for another p/t job (or f/t) in the meantime. However, job 1 boss decided to make life very difficult on me.... because I dared to get a second job.
Trust me, I'm getting to the 'future' part.....
Boss of job 1 waited this past week to post the schedule. Boss of job 2, as per company policy, works around the employees other schedules because the job is only 2 months long and doesn't pay well. So I waited... and waited for boss of job 1 to post the schedule. On the day my boss from job 2 needed to make out the schedule for the week I called my boss of job 1 to find out what my schedule there was... and was told that she had not made the schedule yet. I left a msg, then tried to call again, only to be told she had gone home for the day. So I left another message telling her that my boss from job 2 HAD to get the schedule made and that if I didn't allow him to schedule me I would get hardly any hours at all, basically what was left over.
I went to work at job 1 the following day and left a note for job 1 boss, explaining that the schedule HAD to be made or I would have lost out. Boss of job 1 simply stated she would deal with it the following day.
I went to work the day after... and boss of job 1 still had me set at 0.0 hours. She told me that based on my availability she couldn't do anything about it. See, here's the problem I have with her excuse....
a. I am available ALL mornings til early afternoon on ALL days.
b. I was scheduled OFF TWO DAYS from job 2, and since boss of job 1 schedules me less hours per week than 2 full days, there was NO reason at all why she couldn't schedule me for those two days.
c. The corporation that owns job 1 has what is known as a 'work/life' program, where they are dedicated to scheduling employees so that their LIFE works well with their job. They believe they get happier employees that way.
d. A new employee isn't doing well and the upper staff is NOT happy with her laziness and bad work ethics. One even mentioned that she simply wasn't interested in the job at all. But boss of job 1 gives her 25+ hours, works her in the am......
Boss of job 1 simply is throwing a tantrum and wielding her power to do harm to someone because she can. She's ticked off because I dared to get another job.
But worse... boss of job 1 recently added me on FB. She never posts anything, never talks to me there, never comments on anything, and didn't even bother to say happy birthday (when she had to others). She added me to snoop, and last evening I blocked her ability to see my updates and posts. I simply DO NOT trust her in the least.
I have a bad feeling about where this is going, and I simply do not have the power to stop it. She's on a mission to wreck my life, and I know this because if it were not for my boss at job 2... my rent wouldn't be paid for October. As it is, it's barely paid.
I needed two jobs to make it. I need two jobs to pay my bills, buy food, and have gas and insurance for my car. This is not a joke. This is not 'shoe money' or partying money. This is not fun and games for me. I'm a grown up with grown up bills. No person or gov't agency pays my way. "I" pay my way.
...now about talking to my future last night..
Check out PART 2......
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
PLEASE stop killing my joy
You give. Then you take away. You do what appears to be something nice for me. Then you make me feel bad for what you do. You wait 'til I'm incredibly excited, only to complain about how I act when I am.
I'm a bit child-like when it comes to being happy, so when I'm truly happy and excited [under normal conditions] I get a little, well, spaztic. I get a little too silly, a little to bubbly, a little too scattered. You KNOW I'm ADHD, even as an adult this hasn't changed.
You've made me feel bad for expressing joy MY way. You've squashed SO MANY happy moments with your judgment and endless, ranting lectures that ALWAYS reduce me to tears; leaving me depressed and hollow.
Joy lives within me, despite what you like to proclaim. But the joy is often destroyed by your hateful, careless words, your criticisms and judgments, the cruel things you say and/or do. And you actually wonder why, during times that would normally induce joy, I'm.... flatlined.
Joy cannot thrive in a hostile environment any more than love can.
I'm tired of feeling nothing---because it's safer to do so.
It's exhausting watching every, single, solitary little thing I say or do or think or feel or express.
It's dehumanizing to stop, literally stop myself from being... me.
You claim to love me (at times). And I wonder..... do you really? WHAT is it about me that you love, since you want nearly 100% of me to change. WHAT is it about me that you love, when you offer little more than venomous cruelty in your words and gestures, your screaming lectures and cold, indifferent silences.
I had joy today. And you destroyed it completely and totally--along with my appetite. Why? Because I'm forgetful and forgot to send you a cell phone pic of the food I bought at the grocery store.......
Was that REALLY worth ruining my night for? Was it REALLY worth destroying my happiness today... for that?
Nevermind. I know the answer already.....
SO incredibly tired now. Drained. Empty. Hollow. Sad. Lonely.
I'm SO close to just giving up.
SO close.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm a bit child-like when it comes to being happy, so when I'm truly happy and excited [under normal conditions] I get a little, well, spaztic. I get a little too silly, a little to bubbly, a little too scattered. You KNOW I'm ADHD, even as an adult this hasn't changed.
You've made me feel bad for expressing joy MY way. You've squashed SO MANY happy moments with your judgment and endless, ranting lectures that ALWAYS reduce me to tears; leaving me depressed and hollow.
Joy lives within me, despite what you like to proclaim. But the joy is often destroyed by your hateful, careless words, your criticisms and judgments, the cruel things you say and/or do. And you actually wonder why, during times that would normally induce joy, I'm.... flatlined.
Joy cannot thrive in a hostile environment any more than love can.
I'm tired of feeling nothing---because it's safer to do so.
It's exhausting watching every, single, solitary little thing I say or do or think or feel or express.
It's dehumanizing to stop, literally stop myself from being... me.
You claim to love me (at times). And I wonder..... do you really? WHAT is it about me that you love, since you want nearly 100% of me to change. WHAT is it about me that you love, when you offer little more than venomous cruelty in your words and gestures, your screaming lectures and cold, indifferent silences.
I had joy today. And you destroyed it completely and totally--along with my appetite. Why? Because I'm forgetful and forgot to send you a cell phone pic of the food I bought at the grocery store.......
Was that REALLY worth ruining my night for? Was it REALLY worth destroying my happiness today... for that?
Nevermind. I know the answer already.....
SO incredibly tired now. Drained. Empty. Hollow. Sad. Lonely.
I'm SO close to just giving up.
SO close.
.
.
.
.
.
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