Flat-Lined.

It's not as dramatic as it appears.  I'm referring to just feeling down.  I've posted in a couple of other blogs over the past week, but I'm having trouble posting in all of them right now.  Sincerely, I want to.  I do.  But I've been very sick and it's basically kicked my butt for the most part.  Still, I have things I want to talk about, things I would like to talk WITH someone about.  It's not always that easy, though, is it?  The communication process between humans these days has become ridiculously complicated and full of boobytraps.

It's not boredom.  I'm not bored but frustrated that my physical body and my emotional body are at odds.  I'm not living life.  I'm definitely not living MY life.  Anything that resembles 'life' is filtered through T, and that's no life at all.  No one, and I mean no one who has to filter their life through someone else's won't do it for long and will eventually, out of necessity, find a way out so they can breathe again, live again.  It's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN---always.

There's not much else I can say to paint a picture that you'd understand to any real degree.  That's not saying you guys aren't intelligent but rather than I'm having a difficult time expressing myself.  It's not you, it's me! lol

I have a friend, however, that I used to speak with quite often, someone who gets me almost intuitively, and I've not spoken to him in a while.  But he's always there when I reach out.  He lives in Atlanta, so it's not like we hang out.  When I speak to him, even via email, I feel 'heard' and respected.  His responses to questions etc are spot-on and given attention as if they're important.  He says.. they are important.  It's the same when he reaches out.  We have a wonderful friendship, unique really, and he's easy to talk to.  I did have another very good friend in CA but... he's lost his way to the occupy movement and has become one of those self-loathing whites who's associated himself with B L M.  I don't speak to him anymore--he's gone quite nuts and isn't even himself anymore.  But my Atlanta friend is exactly who he was when I met him some 14 years ago.

It's wonderful having a friend like that, it really is.  And he says I'm a great friend to him... he's one o the most awesome people I know, so there's love there, always has been.  There is, however, a very real difference between having to speak on the phone or email etc., and actually being able to hug that friend and say hello, etc.  Oh well.  It is what it is.  All I know is that if not for him... the misery would be beyond tolerable.

So what does all this mean?  It means SSDD.  I wish I could say something encouraging, that I'll be right back on track again and posting about more interesting aspects of life and more.  But the truth is, I'm still sick and feeling awful.  All I can do is frequent my blogs when I can and post about what's real.

Hopefully, and with prayer and perseverance, the narrative here will change--soon.

A Little Smartassy... because I can

Ha!  Okay, so I'm just pushing myself through this day so far, doing some research as to the oddball things on my recent labs (just got the copies yesterday afternoon), and honestly just too damn tired to do anything productive.  I'm breathing!... what more do you want? ;)

It's just one of those "Screw it all!" days, the kind that makes me feel like all I really want to do is crawl back in bed and cocoon myself in my favorite blanket.  Yes, I CAN do that, but my mind wouldn't allow me to be quite that lazy.  I've not spent my life as an idle person, but when I started getting sick.. everything changed, hugely.  Now, my brain still thinks I'm energetic, but the body says.. 'Aw, HELL no you aint!"

Whatever.  I'm getting through this day best I can, and that's all I'm capable of at this very moment.  At least, for whatever reason, my arms have stopped aching.  Still very weak, hard to stand, walk, etc... but hey, I can still stand and walk, so I'm good.

One of thethings I do when I'm not feeling up to par (to put it mildly) is allow my inner 'smartass' to come out and play.  All in good fun.

And honestly, I should be adding this in my other blog "The Crap I Spew," and I mostly likely will repost in that one... because I can. lol  See?  I'm really trying very hard to step away from not feeling well, and if smartassy me can help, then by all means...!

So in all fairness, this is a coping mechanism.  The reality is that laughter DOES help, and most of us usually benefit from being a little crazy now and then.  Honestly, it doesn't matter in what form your crazy comes in, as long as it doesn't do any harm to you or anyone else.  I mean, we gotta keep it real, right?  There's crazy, and then there's "CRAZY." ;p

Another thing I like to do is post random thoughts, you know, from those 3am wake-ups that happen for no damn reason...

Random thoughts at 3am: "I wonder if I'd look good in a sombero?"

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Yeah, I'm not gonna try and explain that one.