"A Sweet, New World." I took this photo in 2018 of a juvenile Ruby-Throated hummingbird enjoying the nectar from Wendy's Wish Salvia. A portion of the proceeds of the purchase of these plants go to the Make A Wish Foundation.
The photo above is a representation of the momentum, or lack thereof, of my now extremely stagnant life. A new D850 and telephoto lens sits besides my trusty D500 in a cabinet, waiting for me to find the vibrance that once fueled my passion for photography. The memory cards have photos of this Spring and Summer, and even with a new laptop with more storage I'm unable to get up (figuratively speaking) and download them so post-processing can bring those memories to life. Life. What DOES that weird mean anyway?
The health problems continue to reveal themselves, and the specialists continue to test and provide advice, and also medication that I HATE taking. It just never seems to stop. The foundation of feeling like shit (sounds like another blog entry, doesn't it?) seems to be, as they now think, from Disautonomia. Meaning... my autonomic nervous system doesn't work quite right, which translates into an unpredictable daily routine of taking things one minute or hour at a time to assess what I can or cannot do, what has to be put off, and what must be struggled and pushed through. No respite from this means my mind and body are worn completely down. But every day I find a way to get up and do it all over again.
I feel angry and hurt. I'm angry and hurt STILL by those few people in my past that told me, point blank... "It's psychosomatic," meaning... 'It's all in your head.' Is there anything worse than being sick and having even one person, let alone more, decide they know more about my body than I do? The validation did come when I was finally able to get health insurance. Some of you know the story if you've been reading here a while, but for those who don't.... the validation is STILL coming. But the hurt and anger at having my feeling sick, KNOWING there was something very wrong, thrown in my face and diminished by those who lack even the most minute amount of humanity or compassion. It still hurts.
3 heart arrhythmias ablated a few years ago, diagnosis of SLE, SJogren's Syndrome, Autoimmune Hepatitis (NOT to be confused with the virus), Disautonomia, Pulmonary AVM.... A lifetime spent without insurance of funds to cover regular health care or seeing specialists lead me to where I am now. But the insurance is in place, and I continue to wait for this all to be under control so I can LIVE again, to FEEL ALIVE again. Still, there is that hurt, the pain I feel, the sadness as I remember the words of those who don't possess the capacity for seeing or feeling anything past 2" beyond their own skin.
One person claims to be a psychic, and while I don't doubt there are those who are gifted with a remarkable insight, this person couldn't have been more off than if she had said I'm a paper kite, and not a human. The truly sad part is... she was paid.... by my boyfriend at the time... and he bought into her crap hook, line, and sinker. Well, being a malignant narcissist meant he was overjoyed to believe HE was validated in thinking either I caused my own conditions, some of which I'd had since childhood (heart arrhythmias). I wonder how people like that even sleep at night?
I was told by a therapist that the damage done to me by my ex wouldn't simply go away. She made sure I understood it would never, ever go away, but she was also quite clear that I could learn to deal with it in a healthier way, rather than allow the memories of his cruelty to continue causing me harm.
I'm a work in progress.
Being kind to myself has to become a priority again. I end up pouring so much of myself out for other that I leave little or nothing for myself, falling into exhaustion at the end of the day, even on the days when I can barely get out of bed. And I still push myself to push ahead no matter what. I don't have regrets about that, but I do understand that something has to give, and it's either me... or that which drains me. I already know which has to give.
Men. Well, MOST men, anyway... have a bad habit of flipping the switch to autopilot and going through the motions like a zombie, checked out and unaware of the destruction around them. I've met only one man in my life who wasn't like this. Those are some pretty bad odds, if you ask me, but I understand the dark reality as it is, all of it... just as it is. MOST men are chronically checked-out. T included. T being my husband.
I've mostly experienced two extremes with men in my past relationships---checked out, or abusive. currently, T is checked out and coasting on autopilot. Yep. He's emotionally lazy AF. It's not any fun, it's not inspiring, it's not loving, and it's not kind. I was told one that there are two types of infidelity---cheating, and indifference. The latter is a lot worse than than the former, because the latter is something you just can't reach, cannot make sense of... it's cruelty you can't really address head-on or conquer.
This is going to have to be finished another time. Exhaustion is setting in, and I can barely think....
Till next time.....
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