Spooky.

Resident mockingbird checking out the carport.

Every month there is yet another appointment to see a doctor, be it specialist or primary care, it's every month, usually more than once per month, and sometimes several times a week.  It's par for the course with autoimmune issues, heart issues... and unsolved autoimmune issues.  When labs change and something new shows up that means another visit to someone.  Today I met with a new neurologist who, I must say, was a unique and attentive doctor.  Those medical professionals who listen, pay attention, who not only talks but listens... are rare.  And sometimes, the words that come out of their mouths can be only explained as... spooky.

The words came out of his mouth and left me a little shaken.  No, it wasn't a grave diagnosis but insight of some brand I didn't even know existed.  I don't for a moment believe it were mere coincidence, as I don't believe in coincidences of any kind.  Everything happens for a reason, everything has a purpose, a lesson, always something to remember for future reference.  Our experiences teach.  Simple enough.  Right?  But when my neurologist spoke today nothing at all seemed 'simple' anymore.

"It's overwhelming to be in pain, to feel weakness in the body.  When it goes on for so long it wears a person down.  At some point, if it goes on too long, people reach a breaking point, and they can break down.  Your story isn't finished yet.  Your ANA is very high, significantly high.  I'm not happy that it is high, but it is a significant finding that could point your rheumatologist in the right direction."

Why is this so 'spooky'?  Easy enough.  Though today wasn't the only day I've told T that all his indifference and disrespect has pushed me for the better part of 4 years to the point where I can't take it anymore, but his actions (and INactions) pile on the work for me.  This extra work is and has taken a huge toll on my body, because whatever is wrong is getting much worse, and I'm weaker, in more pain, and it's hard for me to get myself through the mundane tasks that must be dealt with each day.  When I pay the price for his choices, and after this long... my patience has been shattered, my tolerance and nil.  And this morning his choices chose FOR ME what I have to do tomorrow.  The extra work I have to do tomorrow to clean up the mess which was his fault today was more than I could bear this morning.

He drove me to my appointment (long story why that was today) and I was FURIOUS with him for having yet again determined what I have to do with my time.  These days he leaves so many messes for me to clean up, chores to do that he decided not to do.. for WEEKS or MONTHS... that I'm flat out overwhelmed and feeling like something is going to give, and that something... is me.  I told him this yet again today on the way to the appointment.

"I can't take this shit anymore!"

I said the words, but not for the first time.  I've actually told him.. "How the hell does a human being live like this without breaking down?"  I've said, and in no uncertain terms, that if he didn't start pulling his weight, stop acting like a child who has a mommy running along behind him with a dustpan and broom, that if he didn't stop making my life hard as HELL... my body and health were going to continue to break down.

Spooky.  On the heels of a frantic, anxious, stressed-out conversation with T over this very thing my neurologist brings up the subject as if he'd been sitting in the backseat of our car the entire way to his office.

Nothing in our conversation would suggest where I was emotionally with the stresses of my health, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and more weird symptoms than you could ever imagine... on a daily basis.  I think he's intuitive, and I think he gets what happens to a person when too much is put on them when they're not well, when their body is giving way to some unseen and unknown force that is sapping the life out of them.  I think he gets that everyone has a breaking point, which is yet another thing he mentioned when discussing how long, how many years I've had to deal with this.

Spooky.  And not coincidental.

I sat there looking at him, and I honestly didn't know what to say.  I wanted to cry.  I mean, when was the last time ANYONE understood what's going on with me?  But this doctor gets it.  And I sat there fighting the tears and not speaking.  What could I possibly say?  At that moment I couldn't speak even so.

Some days are just like this.  Today someone understood without my having to explain.

Spooky.