Struggling to keep up

That's not a new thing, now is it?  How many times have I talked about struggling to dot all the I's and cross all the T's (no pun intended)?  More than I care to admit to, that's for sure.  But my everyday life is fraught with just that, and almost all that.  This is a rut not of my own making, so methods of escape of the common variety won't work here, sadly.  But I must find one that will work.

So what exactly do I mean by "escape"?  That's not entirely easy to explain, but I will try my best.  I don't necessarily have to be somewhere else, a different location in order to escape.  In fact, that rarely ever solves any problems, you know... running away.  Been there, done that, and it didn't work.  But being able to be myself, be in my own skin as me is the only true way of 'getting out' or 'escaping' from what I'm dealing with.

I need room to breathe.

And yes, all the talking, talking, talking, wheeling and dealing, begging and pleading has made absolutely NO difference here.  Too bad banging one's head against the proverbial wall didn't burn calories.  Mostly what it does is wreck your health in other ways, sometimes more permanent ways.  But about that later.  The talking doesn't work, and it didn't work last night.  Like the 'common man' he went the rout of denial, presenting burnt offerings of overused one liner responses and trying to exit stage left.  It's what he does.  It's what most 'ordinary' men do.

Frankly, I'm tired of being the one doing all the work.  Boy, does that ever a familiar situation, and one I'd rather not have to live through again.  It's like "Here you go!  YOU get to carry the load of the relationship, do all the work, jump through hoops when Mr. Man says 'jump!,' pick up the pieces when he fucks up, put them back together while juggling everything else he's not doing.  Oh yeah.  I've been here before.

I've been pushing myself beyond what my body can handle.  For about a month now I've turned my focus away from healing in my spirit, my body, my soul... and now I focus on everything that has to be done, because I'm the only one to do it, whatever 'it' happens to be.  From the time I wake up until the time I drag myself to bed---and I mean DRAG---I'm going, going, going, going, and cleaning up after a 50+ year old man-child.  Yep.  Been there done that before too.

I'm worn to the bone in ways I cannot describe.  I work until I collapse, and I'm not exaggerating.  The man who spent WEEKS not planting our plants in the yard and garden, the man who just milled about while staring at his phone (FB) and making excuses for putting things off... spent 4 hours this morning... milling about, looking at his phone, and doing meaningless crap to avoid doing what needs to be done.  Funny thing, though... he was able to plant everything he said was taking too long and would take to long to do before.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.

Oh, and I'm sure a couple of you are wondering why I don't do that myself.  Well, I was doing it myself until the yard was taken over by yellow jackets, which are far more aggressive and numerous this time of year.  That's another talk show, but I can't deal with those things AT ALL, and T isn't at all afraid of them.

But a few weeks ago I did go out there and dig the holes for the plants, and I helped T dig out the area for the other arbor.... until I began sick.  Sun and I don't get along well, and if I get too much of it I get sick.  Even then I pushed my body beyond what it could handle.

I made a discovery in this process, however.  I love gardening.  Who knew?  I have to be picky about the time of day, but while Mr. Man says "Yard work just isn't my thing," I'm willing to pick up the pieces there too.  Basically, my entire life is spent cleaning up after him INSIDE... and doing everything OUTSIDE as well.  This battle is one my body is losing.  Not sure how to fix that one.

Sleep is seriously elusive now.  I've been prone to insomnia for the past 15 yrs or so, and now it's breaking me.  I get headaches, can't think straight, am horribly weak... and how this has affected me mentally is the worst.  I don't know how to fix this either.

Peace is the only thing that will fix any of this.

For many years I've reached for peace, sought it, waited for it, listened for it... and a couple of times I had peace in my life.. only to have someone come along and rip it out of my spirit and life.  I haven't stopped looking, searching, yearning for peace in my life.  It's critical.

In four weeks I have to have surgery.  Some things are just too personal, and some of the procedures and surgeries I've had to go through are some of those very personal things.  I may talk about it one day, but not now.  The doctors and my surgeon are hoping this will turn things around for me, for my health.  But it's going to be a bitch before it gets better, that's for sure.  What will fall to the wayside in decay when I have to go through about 6 weeks of recovery?

God, I just can't allow myself to think about that right now.

Till next time....