In quiet agreement with myself.

I know where I'm at in my life, my "relationship" (for lack of a better word or term).  At the same time the feeling of being completely lost in it all trips me up and doesn't allow for any real forward movement towards my personal goals, dreams, the things I know will bring joy to my otherwise 'blah' life.  In those moments where the inner conversation shows me, tells me, and presents the sometimes awful truth about what I really feel about my life as a whole... I struggle to, well, be okay with it all.  I'm never really okay with any of it, but I do find my way past giving up when I feel the edge of the abyss beneath my toes.  Decisions are made, and I go about the task of carrying myself throughout my day no matter what.

Tell me that doesn't suck.

I'm actually very honest with myself.  Those internal warning sirens, the bells and whistles and voice urging me to stop, to go, to maintain, to chill.... seem to be going off all at once these days, which leaves me not knowing which way is up or down.  But I know they why and wherefore of the unhappiness and stress, and even the anxiety that has become my life.  And I don't fight a single bit of it either and, instead, remain in that quiet agreement with the part of me that's completely awake and aware.

Solutions matter but aren't worth further stressing over.  If a solution to a problem is out of reach at the moment I save myself a lot of grief and stop reaching.  I'd rather save what precious energy I have for when the time comes that the solution, within my reach, reveals itself.

Whatever I do in the meantime is simply out of what's left of my own survival instinct.  I'll remain in a somewhat protective mode, self-preservation being top priority, and simply waiting for what I know will be my saving grace... whatever that happens to be.

When you're stuck in the world of a control freak you take what joy you can hold onto.. and hold on for dear life.  Every small happiness will be subject to scrutiny and criticism, and I'm pretty well used to that at the moment.  But I will defend my joy every step of the way.  I just wish having to have these battles didn't tear down my health and leave me with sad dreams and anxiety that can eclipse the best of days.

I can feel my wings and know they're there---I just can't use them.